Kinfolk and Kindred,
It has been just twenty four hours since we received word of my Aunt Bunny's crossing. I pray for Uncle Pete and my dear cousins. My heart remains heavy and sad. Almost bad...
...in my heart and one ear, I am not ready to hear and listen to my Feathered Cousins, sing their "Songs of Life". The Cardinal, Blue Jays, Red Winged Black Birds, Crow, Sea Gull and Annahinga out by the Channel. I love you all so dearly, but please, even if but for a day or two. Father Sun is high and the sky is blue with but a puffy white cloud here and there. I am not prepared nor do I want to hear the sounds of children and their coaches laughing and playing at the YMCA just a hundred yards or so to the East North East. Whistles tooting. I love these sounds, just need to make sparse right now.
I am here today because I have decided I will not cut myself off from My Path, and will continue to blog. I am aware that cutting myself from others during times of difficulty has been a life long curse. Until joining this community that is and yes, I will continue to communicate.
I really do not know how long I will mourn. No, I just really don't. On 30 April, I will visit with my therapist, Sir Dude. On 01 May 2012, I have appointment with my Dr. N., He-Who-Knows-My-Mind. Timely.
On Mom's side of the family, I have three Uncles still here on Earth Mother. Once my Uncles pass, it is we and all first cousins who become The Elders. I don't want my Uncle Roy to die! This is too much like becoming an orphan at forty-something all over again...
...I've never thought about the day I will be passed on the title of Elder by process of death. It just never dawned on me that this is Life. Well, I do I reckon I have been in practice with Relations younger than I and have been Honored by Relations with such a term, but damn, there's is no mention of this in the manual.
I have always loved my Aunt Bunny, dearly and her Crossing has left a void I feel deep in my Spirit's. We were two reunited two years ago after many years of life happening. Our gathering was as if we had just seen each other not that long ago. Her Love so awesome and free. I'll never forget that wonderful day we dined on Aunt Bunny's delicious home made Country Cooking. My good-goodness, it was really as if I was eating Mom's food. Or Aunt Billie's awesome food. My Grandpa Roy's deliciousness in a pot. The love and respect will always remain strong for Aunt Bunny and shall never falter. You see, Aunt Bunny, never lied to me and never ever did she ever extend any negativity my way. And what a superb Story Teller...
...my Aunt will be layed to rest tomorrow afternoon in Avon Park. My heart and eye's are sad that I will see her for the last time in the morrow, then, never again on this planet, our Earth Mother. God Bless!
For some reason my aunts crossing has reminded me of the times I have considered suicide over the past three or four years. Actually, this has brought forth all of the years I had considered suicide. From my youthful childhood and adolescents, to the years of anorexia and bulimia. The times of daily confusion and these years since the diagnosis of Meniere's Disease. It's symptoms and frustrations. The surgeries, the procedures, the utter pain. The very genuine frustrations of a change in life. The attacks of vertigo that have dictated my life style for such a very long time. Honestly, I am not too sure if I have not rid myself of the thoughts of my own demise. I have learned and think I'm more comfortable with leaving this up to my Great Spirit. It's just that it's clear now that I have never really rid myself of these thoughts, you see? Why lie?
It was just about four weeks ago, on 06 April, when I had the major bleed. I'll never ever forget the feelings of calm, fearlessness and an incredible ease in knowing that I was slowly bleeding out the very fluids necessary to continue to live. Knowing Great Spirit was right there with me.
No pain. No panic...
...today, I am prepared to say that the attempts of suicide as a youth were precipitated by an extreme Life Occurrence. Some sort of trauma - some sort of severe drama. I believe in my Soul, that it was God, my Great Spirit, who interceded in those events. As it is was the One, who brought me back to a state of awareness that my death is not mine to decide when it occurs, but it is my Great Spirit's decisison. Since a boy - in my heart - it was not okay for others to pass away. Only my death would be what I considered a proper death.
I read of the Worlds Genocide, past and present. I have been witness to Genocide going on right here in the United States of America. Murders and people that harm others in unmentionable ways are the only ones I believe in applying death onto...
...not the innocents. Like my little brother David. Not them who have passed before me, like my Mom and Dad, aunts, uncles and cousins. So many Elders and also too many young Kin. Over the past decade plus one year, death has surrounded me with it's gloom and sadness. So many Kinfolk and so many Kindred have passed on.
I'll share this with you now, my Relations. On Tuesday afternoon I saw the Face of Death in the woods of the preserve in my back yard. I tried not to see it and even attempted to unsay it, but my attempts at voiding what I saw were futile. This Vision has come to me throughout My Path and the Vision always comes to pass. I have never shared this "gift?" with anyone. Until today..
...Brenda, has made me promise her to inform her when this Vision comes to me again. My dearest Bride has put me in the position to say the untruth. I just can't.
Aunt Bunny, I will love you until it is I, who take the last breathe.
I've said enough.
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