One week + one day post surgery and I sit here tipitty-tapping in pain and an overwhelming guttural discomfort. This has been compounded by my still wearing the orb and cap upon the left side my head and covering my Left Deaf Ear.This is an excellent durable cup that has Velcro attachments - to cover and then wrap-a-hold of my skull. I have worn this form of wound coverage and management for these eight days with commitment, as in around the clock coverage of wound, commitment. Beneath this cap, the actual site of surgery remains to be covered by this odd sort of fleshy-plastic-rubber orb - which has had It's fit and form shape shifted over the past eight days.
I maintain a constant state of discomfort, and I suspect this healing cap has created a place where my skull has the warmth and damp condition to create it's own biology. My skull remains swollen and maintains a puffy formation under the baseball cup atop my head. An utterly foul and offensive stench has manifested at site of surgery. I am embarrassed by the wear and tear of this wound care cap. The "whole" picture" is not too damned pretty because I have not been able to was my hair, I am still bleeding, a dark rich red blood, I am able to listen to a squishing sound under my skin and the levels of pain range from a medium high pain at a seven to a medium state of pain, at a five, "while under the influence of the "Dilaudid"...
...speaking of this pain relief medication. For the past four or five nights I have had visual and audiological hallucinations. I mean like bad ones. Seeing shadows and I now know what a white shadow looks like. I have had Folks up and whisper in my left "deaf" ear. Have heard conversations and voices that sound so damned familiar, yet am unable to recognize who these Folks are or what the hell they are saying. My dear Bride reminds me, "it's only the medicine". Yes, dahlin', I know, and this is much easier for you to say Sweetie Pie, you're not the one doing like Smoky, on the movie "Friday". Running, scratching and wiggling down the street freaking out. No, I am not running down the street freaking out either, but I am the one freaking out with-in the walls of my Safe Place. With-in the safety of my skin I freak out.
I have slowly been weening myself of this medication. My Bride goes bitter by this, but I am compelled to take care of myself on a level that does not include seeing white shadows. Certainly, these hallucinations and voices were dealt with on a professional level last year. Thus, the self-conclusion, "Medicinally Induced Psychosis". The criteria is what I have shared.
There's a "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde", affect here. Yes, I still catch an occasional visitor to my sanctuary - but this craziness and change to my day-to-day state of mind these past few days, are most definitely affected and caused by the Dilaudid...
...yes, I may have indeed let self be in pain unnecessarily by weening the medicine, but I must do what I must for my health and sanity.
NOTE: Let it be I remind myself to advise He-Who-Touched-My-Brain in the morrow. I have a scheduled gathering at 1400. My dearest Bride will be accompanying me to clinic.
This is all I have to say for now.
No comments:
Post a Comment