Time after time, I've tried to say to myself that I don't love him anymore or try to believe that perhaps I never did love him. Was it a make believe world I lived in? Was it all just a wish? No, you see Sir, I remember what if felt like to be held in your large and strong arms. Them that made me feel so small, safe and loved. Made me for once in my life feel the protection that I never had...
...time after time again, I lie to myself because I do still love him. I have always loved you.
Sir, I know you knew I was broken. I knew you what I was doing. And so did you. I also knew your words far out weighed what it was we were living or not living. Loving and not loving...
...like you with she...
...and I with her, and you, and him too.
I got to be a part of a grand romance that is still forbidden. So outrageous was my life, only a few of us knew. But no one said a word. Almost every person that knew me at the time knew I was broken. Once again I say, I know and always knew you did. So you filled my mind and heart with promise after promise.
Grand story's.
There have been times I go back to a place in my mind or heart that I've been to before. Then when the thought escapes me, it's just like losing you all over again. You know what your voice does to me, that's why I avoid the telephone, Sir.
Time after time, I have told myself that these thoughts and memories will pass and go away. I know they never will - only when I die will these ever go away.
My life is lived differently today. My Bride and I and our children. Our 3-2-1 Lodge next to the preserve. I love her with all my heart, mind, body and Spirit's. She has been "The Rock" of my life and I'm not ashamed to say so. She knows in her heart of hearts that my love and life belongs to her and forever more. As it always has been. I too know in mine that I made the correct decision when I walked away. I am a happy Man today. A happy and loved husband married to a beautiful woman and a very proud Dad. My life is based on truth's and trust now. That and love for my family. I am a fortunate one to be able to speak the truths of that life once upon a time.
So, no Sir, I do not want to look in your eyes again. As I don't want you looking into mine.
I don't want to hear your voice on the telephone...
...this is why I won't ever go back. Or let you back in. I am no longer on a fence and I know where I am in life. My Path leads me to a world of love, peace and understanding. My Path runs along side of the Red Road. There are no more betrayal. No more lies.
Time after time I still miss you Sir, and time after time I will love you and remember good times. It's much of other things I break and throw away...
...like your hello. I don't want to go back to a place I've already been.
p.s.
I will carry the hurt committed against my Bride until my last breath. There will be no more betrayal's.
I am still working on the time after time piece.
This is all I've got to say.
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