Brenda took me to Target on Sunday. I felt as if I was going on a Field Trip! The only times I get out of my lodge is for doctor appointments, so I was super excited. I am walking with the aid of a walker now when am out of doors. So in my skull, this takes the neon sign up huge wattage! Oh, palease...don't you know?
As Brenda and I were going about our shopping, we crossed the paths of a male couple...we going that way and them that...the one pushing the cart aka Le Bitch, like me...just about broke her neck trying to see what that was in my Suzy-Q curls. Wanted to holla something at her real bad like. But I kept my silence! Why? I don't know. But...
...what Miss. Thang, did was not look at me in "that" way, or as in a brotherly way, I mean my Gaydar was screaming..but if I could say to "him", as in a judgement has been rendered - case closed sort of way. He saw a 300 pound furry, curly man, pushing a cart with his walker in it...with Cyborg appliance attached to skull...nothing more - all the less. To he, at that moment, I was not even a respected one...and doesn't even know me.
For now, I keep my silence. Just don't know how much more to endure.
In passing, I acknowledged my young brother...But, he did not see me knod...he was all up in my business, passed her judgement and didn't even know me?
I stay quiet for now. I really still don't know how to handle all of these changes myself. But shit, I better start taking up for myself soon!
Really?
Walking my Path...learning my Path, one step at a time.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Just, one minute please...
Excuse me, for just one minute please...May I please say what is really on my mind? The freedom to ask the questions I keep and have kept hushed away inside...
...may I ask with-out shame or state my words free of fear of someone playing, "Here Come The Judge"...if you're about my age you'll remember the skits, although, I really did not write it for the humour. For all of me, it is as it is written, here come da judge(s). I am so truly offened and disgusted by them who are so quick to play the judge...while along keeping their truths and/or un-truths tucked neatly up their...robe of judgement.
I see you looking at me with different eye orbs. With my one-good-bad-ear, I can still hear you speaking to (not with) me or your whispers become an insult...almost as if being talked act...as I have seen folks do to children...how you still grow bitter with a request for a repeat.
Perhaps because of the loss of one senses and the decline of another, Auto-teach went into affect. I was born blessed with pretty good senses...abundant. With-out them, I would not have survived childhood.
Have noticed that I am naturally learning to read peoples lips, almost if by accident. Another sense that has been enhanced is my intuition becoming acutely sharp and adapting. Also, having this realization settle in proper that reading Body Language, for me is another form of communications...another language...
Can you really feel it?
Disrespect cuts to the white meat when one is the recipient...to the bone when it is Relations who speak with bad breath and don't have ears.
Walking the Path...walker-style, one step at a time,
Mario
...may I ask with-out shame or state my words free of fear of someone playing, "Here Come The Judge"...if you're about my age you'll remember the skits, although, I really did not write it for the humour. For all of me, it is as it is written, here come da judge(s). I am so truly offened and disgusted by them who are so quick to play the judge...while along keeping their truths and/or un-truths tucked neatly up their...robe of judgement.
I see you looking at me with different eye orbs. With my one-good-bad-ear, I can still hear you speaking to (not with) me or your whispers become an insult...almost as if being talked act...as I have seen folks do to children...how you still grow bitter with a request for a repeat.
Perhaps because of the loss of one senses and the decline of another, Auto-teach went into affect. I was born blessed with pretty good senses...abundant. With-out them, I would not have survived childhood.
Have noticed that I am naturally learning to read peoples lips, almost if by accident. Another sense that has been enhanced is my intuition becoming acutely sharp and adapting. Also, having this realization settle in proper that reading Body Language, for me is another form of communications...another language...
Can you really feel it?
Disrespect cuts to the white meat when one is the recipient...to the bone when it is Relations who speak with bad breath and don't have ears.
Walking the Path...walker-style, one step at a time,
Mario
Thursday, November 25, 2010
25 November 2010
Here in America, today is Thanksgiving Day.
I have not participated in the American celebration most of my life. It has never made sense even in childhood to celebrate the genocide of the Peoples Here Before...the Spanish, the English, the French...the white people, with white diseases, murder, white relegions, greed...white ways.
Even when, as a child there was not much to be happy for...thankful for. I was pre-occupied with survival...surviving. Although not pre-occupied today, I continue to live the life of a survivor and Warrior! I must.
Today, I Honor the gatherings of People who are of Relation. Today, I share my Thanks to God, my Great Spirit. Not a religion's God, and share my Thanksgiving's with them who are near and dear...with them afar. With them who have Crossed before me and with those I've yet to meet.
I am Thankful for my life today. Am Thankful for my wife and daughter's, my sister's and brother's, my neice's and nephew's...I am thankful for my Abuela, Tia's and Tio's, my hundreds of Cousins and am so Thankful for ALL of my Relations!
My Heart is full. I have shed my tears of sorrow for them not here and for them too far...
God Bless All Relations...God Bless America!
I have not participated in the American celebration most of my life. It has never made sense even in childhood to celebrate the genocide of the Peoples Here Before...the Spanish, the English, the French...the white people, with white diseases, murder, white relegions, greed...white ways.
Even when, as a child there was not much to be happy for...thankful for. I was pre-occupied with survival...surviving. Although not pre-occupied today, I continue to live the life of a survivor and Warrior! I must.
Today, I Honor the gatherings of People who are of Relation. Today, I share my Thanks to God, my Great Spirit. Not a religion's God, and share my Thanksgiving's with them who are near and dear...with them afar. With them who have Crossed before me and with those I've yet to meet.
I am Thankful for my life today. Am Thankful for my wife and daughter's, my sister's and brother's, my neice's and nephew's...I am thankful for my Abuela, Tia's and Tio's, my hundreds of Cousins and am so Thankful for ALL of my Relations!
My Heart is full. I have shed my tears of sorrow for them not here and for them too far...
God Bless All Relations...God Bless America!
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
No Changes, If I May, Today
If I were to be asked to edit earlier entry I would decline...
...there would be absolutely no changes. At all.
Just sayin'...tellin' truth too, en'it?
Tonight, I listen to beeps and beep-beepity-beep-beeps, in my left ear...my right is active with the Critters Of The Swamp. Loud too...I am dizzy and nauseated. Tonight I rest and in the morrow...
...I've got to keep Walking My Path.
Really. Mario
...there would be absolutely no changes. At all.
Just sayin'...tellin' truth too, en'it?
Tonight, I listen to beeps and beep-beepity-beep-beeps, in my left ear...my right is active with the Critters Of The Swamp. Loud too...I am dizzy and nauseated. Tonight I rest and in the morrow...
...I've got to keep Walking My Path.
Really. Mario
If I May? Today...
Visited with He Who Touched My Brain today. I acknowledged, I have felt him look into my Soul. He has been the only one permitted there in a life time....I mentioned this only because I observed him doing it today...
...the out-come of our gathering was not as nice a visit as I would've hoped for, but, what it did do was almost empowering. To have "the" validation from the tests, the conversation's, the connections, all in a matter of two hours...has changed my look on Life. It has sunk like lead weight in my Core, to know that I am not mad. That there are reasons for the things I'm experiencing...every day of my life. Like today.
What the going's on's all about is me getting on the same beat as all and who-ever is a member of my Health Care Status Team . Whether it be with my Family, my Medical Health Care , Mental Health Care, Insurance Connection Team...The One Far Away, an awesome young person who has gone the extra FEW miles with and for me, and now, my Legal Matters Team, Them Who Know The Law...we talked today. The care, love and respect provided me is beyond my words...
...I am a blessed and fortunate one to have so many people who look up to me, instead of down, as I think...blessed to have them who listen and am honored when I am heard...
There is an ugly cold and dark figure with-in me that has me wrapped up in a cold and dark place...despite of, such blessings...I ask,am i worthy?...
...it is maddening, to see and know that I was once to provide...
...and now I'm not. I am silent in shame...
...a walker I used, today.
...kept Walking My Path...
p.s. I am compelled!
...the out-come of our gathering was not as nice a visit as I would've hoped for, but, what it did do was almost empowering. To have "the" validation from the tests, the conversation's, the connections, all in a matter of two hours...has changed my look on Life. It has sunk like lead weight in my Core, to know that I am not mad. That there are reasons for the things I'm experiencing...every day of my life. Like today.
What the going's on's all about is me getting on the same beat as all and who-ever is a member of my Health Care Status Team . Whether it be with my Family, my Medical Health Care , Mental Health Care, Insurance Connection Team...The One Far Away, an awesome young person who has gone the extra FEW miles with and for me, and now, my Legal Matters Team, Them Who Know The Law...we talked today. The care, love and respect provided me is beyond my words...
...I am a blessed and fortunate one to have so many people who look up to me, instead of down, as I think...blessed to have them who listen and am honored when I am heard...
There is an ugly cold and dark figure with-in me that has me wrapped up in a cold and dark place...despite of, such blessings...I ask,am i worthy?...
...it is maddening, to see and know that I was once to provide...
...and now I'm not. I am silent in shame...
...a walker I used, today.
...kept Walking My Path...
p.s. I am compelled!
Monday, November 15, 2010
Falling Forward: Falling is no FUN Part II
This past Friday, which was the 12th day of November, I fell forward from the commode as I was raising upward, I went head first into the rest room door and kept myself from falling onto the floor by bracing myself with my head. My hands were holding my clothing and I pulled them up while leaning onto the door, as my balance was an issue. There were issues that came about/popped up on Saturday. I awoke with severe lower back pain and aches in my shoulders. I do have issues with my cervical spine and lower back, so I wonder if I just had a domino affect. Also, that afternoon I had a constant droaning sound in my right ear. I can't even think of a better word for it. Because that's the way it sounded. It sounded like this, drooooooooooooooan - droooooooooooooooan, LOUD and lasted for hours...drooooooooooaning so loud I HAD to ask my wife if she was hearing it herself. Sadly, it was from within. The droaning kept me awake well into the wee hours of Sunday morning. Had never heard or had such a sound from within my ears...hope to never ever have to listen through that again.
Yes, I took my medications as directed...
My right-good-bad-ear has had an increase in the frequency of total silence. When it happens, I sit or lay there and listen to the silence. I know my hearing has been compromised and hearing seems to be getting worse with every passing day...I am terrified that one day my hearing will simply stop. I am mortified. My right ear also continues to inflate to what feels like there's something wanting to expel from within. The voices in my ears have become extra active this past 72 hours...as are the beeeeeps and another new sound is door bells! I hear what I think is a door bell and every time I do - I go check the front door. I mean really, as if somebody has rang my door bell and awaits my arrival...these are loud and clear as day...hell, clear as the bleeding sound of my door bell!
EVERY time one of these symptoms "pop" up, the anticipation and anxiety of an impending vertigo attack goes into affect...High Alert.
...so I wait and yet, I keep moving.
Keep Walking my Path...
...I've got to...
Yes, I took my medications as directed...
My right-good-bad-ear has had an increase in the frequency of total silence. When it happens, I sit or lay there and listen to the silence. I know my hearing has been compromised and hearing seems to be getting worse with every passing day...I am terrified that one day my hearing will simply stop. I am mortified. My right ear also continues to inflate to what feels like there's something wanting to expel from within. The voices in my ears have become extra active this past 72 hours...as are the beeeeeps and another new sound is door bells! I hear what I think is a door bell and every time I do - I go check the front door. I mean really, as if somebody has rang my door bell and awaits my arrival...these are loud and clear as day...hell, clear as the bleeding sound of my door bell!
EVERY time one of these symptoms "pop" up, the anticipation and anxiety of an impending vertigo attack goes into affect...High Alert.
...so I wait and yet, I keep moving.
Keep Walking my Path...
...I've got to...
Friday, November 12, 2010
Had P.T. Today...The Gloom.
Had made contact with my Miss. P.T. She forgot to call me about changes. Today we had P.T., even though symptoms were running a bit on the high side. She came to my house to assist me with getting some damn good therapy on and we did. Bygones.
Today has been a difficult day with the sweating as-if-I've-tasked-in-the-yard bad, extreme nausea and the freaken dizziness. Non-productive nausea, there have been times when I was certain, but none, thankfully...
...today the sounds in my skull have been obnoxious...I have The Cure on the stereo with hopes of distracting the sounds from within..not working as well as I had hoped. Crickets the size of sparrows in my right-good-bad-ear and beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeps in my left Deaf ear. No Morris Code today, just really long beeeeeeeeeeeps. What am I to do? I don't know. Today, there have been tears...there were tears last night and I am certain to shed some later on. It's as if crying has become a part of my daily life style. As a daily shower is daily.
Yes, today, I have taken all medications as directed. To include ibuprofin to assist with the neurontin, for my nerve pain. Well, hell, isn't this a crock of dung, something has just come to my reasoning and that is, nerves from all over my body & mind are off balance, en'it? Lord.
There is something I need to get out off my chest real quick like...on this Tuesday past, I had prepared myself for punishment. It has been such a long time coming! No, I did not go through with my punishment. I wanted to.
I can tell you all now, I do my best to always do my best! With everything that life offers me, I have always given my 100%! For my bride, my daughters, siblings, neighbors...My Coffee House Company.
I feel as if somewhere, somehow I have failed. This failure dwells deep within my center and it has been with me most of my damned life. From the abused child and adolsecent, the damaged, anorexic and confused young man and now, this maddening meniere's in my mid-life.
Today, the gloom surrounds my neck like a cold silk scarf...
Today, even though, I will fight on...
...to Walk my Path.
Today has been a difficult day with the sweating as-if-I've-tasked-in-the-yard bad, extreme nausea and the freaken dizziness. Non-productive nausea, there have been times when I was certain, but none, thankfully...
...today the sounds in my skull have been obnoxious...I have The Cure on the stereo with hopes of distracting the sounds from within..not working as well as I had hoped. Crickets the size of sparrows in my right-good-bad-ear and beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeps in my left Deaf ear. No Morris Code today, just really long beeeeeeeeeeeps. What am I to do? I don't know. Today, there have been tears...there were tears last night and I am certain to shed some later on. It's as if crying has become a part of my daily life style. As a daily shower is daily.
Yes, today, I have taken all medications as directed. To include ibuprofin to assist with the neurontin, for my nerve pain. Well, hell, isn't this a crock of dung, something has just come to my reasoning and that is, nerves from all over my body & mind are off balance, en'it? Lord.
There is something I need to get out off my chest real quick like...on this Tuesday past, I had prepared myself for punishment. It has been such a long time coming! No, I did not go through with my punishment. I wanted to.
I can tell you all now, I do my best to always do my best! With everything that life offers me, I have always given my 100%! For my bride, my daughters, siblings, neighbors...My Coffee House Company.
I feel as if somewhere, somehow I have failed. This failure dwells deep within my center and it has been with me most of my damned life. From the abused child and adolsecent, the damaged, anorexic and confused young man and now, this maddening meniere's in my mid-life.
Today, the gloom surrounds my neck like a cold silk scarf...
Today, even though, I will fight on...
...to Walk my Path.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
A No Call - No Show
My Miss. P.T., is a No Call - No Show today.
Back-to-Back days with missed appointments...disappointments.
WTF?
Umm, really?
Is it my breath? No, it's because I'm a mixed blood, en'it?
My Dear Lord, Bless me with strength to know the difference. Please.
Walking my Path...on my knees...
Back-to-Back days with missed appointments...disappointments.
WTF?
Umm, really?
Is it my breath? No, it's because I'm a mixed blood, en'it?
My Dear Lord, Bless me with strength to know the difference. Please.
Walking my Path...on my knees...
The Unfortunate Business Of The Home Bound, Part III
Straight off, let me offer my apologies to Relations for speaking in general ways...seems to me I would've known better after all of these years. Sometimes, these wonderful passions that dwell within...
Really, I did not mean to "hate" on anyone or anybody. I am blessed to be surrounded by so many Relations who love me genuinely and unconditionally. You see, folks, I know and understand very well, we all have job's to work, things to do, appointments to make, and live's to live.
What I did share will remain unedited. Hell, I meant what I said. It's because I do know and damn well understand.
Seems to me that maybe sometimes folks say things or make promises off the cuff. I know very well, "we" have have had these kind words and gestures extended at some time, point or another. It's just that I believe in the words folks speak. Um, I remember the words people speak...their promises.
One's words and a hand shake still mean something to me. Hell, I still conduct some business on a hand shake. It's just the way I live now days.
To best sum this up, I say this, I have learned to know that if I give my word to someone, Relation or stranger, I mean it and one could rightly know damn well I will keep it. If I decide to sign a contract with my hand shake - I'll do so, and keep it...
...I have also learned NOT to tell someone who is mourning, ill, or home bound, this, "If you ever need anything", "If I might be able to assist", or "Hey, just call, I'm here any time you need me!". Please.
For me it's personal.
I have sweated most of today, have shed tears, am nauseated +8, am dizzier than usual, slept for 2.5 hours earlier today because of it, and there is a siren from a Canadian ambulance roaring in my right ear. My Deaf Left ear is Deaf Silent at this moment.
My Sweet Lord, Thank You.
Walking my Path, one step at a time...
Really, I did not mean to "hate" on anyone or anybody. I am blessed to be surrounded by so many Relations who love me genuinely and unconditionally. You see, folks, I know and understand very well, we all have job's to work, things to do, appointments to make, and live's to live.
What I did share will remain unedited. Hell, I meant what I said. It's because I do know and damn well understand.
Seems to me that maybe sometimes folks say things or make promises off the cuff. I know very well, "we" have have had these kind words and gestures extended at some time, point or another. It's just that I believe in the words folks speak. Um, I remember the words people speak...their promises.
One's words and a hand shake still mean something to me. Hell, I still conduct some business on a hand shake. It's just the way I live now days.
To best sum this up, I say this, I have learned to know that if I give my word to someone, Relation or stranger, I mean it and one could rightly know damn well I will keep it. If I decide to sign a contract with my hand shake - I'll do so, and keep it...
...I have also learned NOT to tell someone who is mourning, ill, or home bound, this, "If you ever need anything", "If I might be able to assist", or "Hey, just call, I'm here any time you need me!". Please.
For me it's personal.
I have sweated most of today, have shed tears, am nauseated +8, am dizzier than usual, slept for 2.5 hours earlier today because of it, and there is a siren from a Canadian ambulance roaring in my right ear. My Deaf Left ear is Deaf Silent at this moment.
My Sweet Lord, Thank You.
Walking my Path, one step at a time...
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
The Unfortunate Business Of The Home Bound, Part II
Tonight, my mind, body and spirit's remind me of why it is I go see my therapist, Sir Dude, every week...
...today has not been the same because of todays absence. I have cried a percentage of it away and at about five o-clock this afternoon, I had no choice but to lay down. I suspect, I may have pushed the envelope a bit with the task of touching and cleaning each compact disc in the house. I have had enjoyable times thus far and am truly enjoying the mini memory trips, but is necessary to take several/too many time out's, as I become sweaty, dizzy and nauseated with-in minutes of tasking. Even so, I began work on this task on Monday, have put a tiny dent into what just not long ago, would have taken me an afternoon to complete. It was as if I was overwhelmed with a sudden exhaustion...so I closed my eye orb's a spell.
Making/attending these appointments are important to me, and for me. I take pride in not being late and I do my damnedest to make sure I make every damned appointment on the calender...excuses are difficult for me to speak aloud, so, I put myself in the position to not have to make them. I usually have back up's for the back up's...I struck out.
Not being able to jump in the car to conduct my personal business sucks! I mean, this hurts the ego and is down right embarrassing! I don't give a cat's piss what anybody might say, it SUCKS to beg. I am not eligible for transportation aid yet. So I listen to all the preachers, them-with-two-faces, and I love the "just call" line to deaf.
This has nothing to do with He-Who-Takes-Me, or my In-Law's, or my Little Sister's, She-Who-Is-Married-To-Him and Her-Heart-Is-In-The-Mountains, who have provided me with some splendid tuck-n-rolls, some wonderful coffee stops and excellent converstion...
...this pertains to others who have offered to assist with transport. I won't say I am not angry. It would be such a lie. Hell, I'm angry foremost with my self. I do reckon though, I am more disappointed ,and feel obligated to listen and to see the perpituation of "That's What Friends Are For". Child please, leave it be that one of them should call me in the morrow with fake ass inspirational messages.
On another medical note, my right-good-bad-ear has had moments of total silence today. The sounds are alive with-in the skull tonight though. The dizziness seems to be getting worse, so I'll say good night.
Pushing the envelope...walking my path
...today has not been the same because of todays absence. I have cried a percentage of it away and at about five o-clock this afternoon, I had no choice but to lay down. I suspect, I may have pushed the envelope a bit with the task of touching and cleaning each compact disc in the house. I have had enjoyable times thus far and am truly enjoying the mini memory trips, but is necessary to take several/too many time out's, as I become sweaty, dizzy and nauseated with-in minutes of tasking. Even so, I began work on this task on Monday, have put a tiny dent into what just not long ago, would have taken me an afternoon to complete. It was as if I was overwhelmed with a sudden exhaustion...so I closed my eye orb's a spell.
Making/attending these appointments are important to me, and for me. I take pride in not being late and I do my damnedest to make sure I make every damned appointment on the calender...excuses are difficult for me to speak aloud, so, I put myself in the position to not have to make them. I usually have back up's for the back up's...I struck out.
Not being able to jump in the car to conduct my personal business sucks! I mean, this hurts the ego and is down right embarrassing! I don't give a cat's piss what anybody might say, it SUCKS to beg. I am not eligible for transportation aid yet. So I listen to all the preachers, them-with-two-faces, and I love the "just call" line to deaf.
This has nothing to do with He-Who-Takes-Me, or my In-Law's, or my Little Sister's, She-Who-Is-Married-To-Him and Her-Heart-Is-In-The-Mountains, who have provided me with some splendid tuck-n-rolls, some wonderful coffee stops and excellent converstion...
...this pertains to others who have offered to assist with transport. I won't say I am not angry. It would be such a lie. Hell, I'm angry foremost with my self. I do reckon though, I am more disappointed ,and feel obligated to listen and to see the perpituation of "That's What Friends Are For". Child please, leave it be that one of them should call me in the morrow with fake ass inspirational messages.
On another medical note, my right-good-bad-ear has had moments of total silence today. The sounds are alive with-in the skull tonight though. The dizziness seems to be getting worse, so I'll say good night.
Pushing the envelope...walking my path
The Unfortunate Business Of The Home Bound
At one hour prior to my appointment with my therapist, Sir Dude, I am informed by He-Who-Has-Taken-Me-Many-Times, that he had totally forgotten about the talk we had two days ago. He informs me the children are sick and that his wife took the car...
...WELL! HELL FIRE!
This is where I am two hours post conversation...yes, I cried. Not to him, but after we got off the damn telephone. Yes,I cursed aloud for a minute or two, alright, maybe three! Damnit! Then called Sir Dude...called my dear Brenda too.
Have decided that although, I may have had much disappointment and an interruption in my strict, self-imposed rule: #2. "Must be always punctual and maintain perfect attendance"...He-Who-Has-Taken-Me-Many-Times, first off is Kinfolk and is the father of two extraordinary younger Kinfolk of mine, who I love with all my heart and Spirit's and sadly are in fact really ill. My Little Bud's!! He-Who-Has-Taken-Me-Many-Times, has taken me to so very many appointments...he runs on JPT, you see, so I do stress alot about the punctuality piece, but He get's me there. Now, as far as He-Who-Has-Taken-Me-Many-Times, forgetting our talk and confirmation about today, um, well, he is kinfolk.
My therapyst, Sir Dude, returned my call and we had connection via telephone...an excellent connection. Touched base on where I am today, where have I been since last week, went over home work assignments, and he shared words of wisdom. I am thankful to have someone like Sir Dude on my Team...so very thankful.
...am also thankful for He-Who-Has-Taken-Me-Many-Times, for he has in fact taken me many-many times. I am blessed for this...him being the Pa of them two Lil' kinfolk is bonus.
Bygones.
I have no choice but to chalk this one up as, The Unfortunate Business Of The Home Bound...
...Walking my Path.
p.s. I have 7,777 self imposed rules.
...WELL! HELL FIRE!
This is where I am two hours post conversation...yes, I cried. Not to him, but after we got off the damn telephone. Yes,I cursed aloud for a minute or two, alright, maybe three! Damnit! Then called Sir Dude...called my dear Brenda too.
Have decided that although, I may have had much disappointment and an interruption in my strict, self-imposed rule: #2. "Must be always punctual and maintain perfect attendance"...He-Who-Has-Taken-Me-Many-Times, first off is Kinfolk and is the father of two extraordinary younger Kinfolk of mine, who I love with all my heart and Spirit's and sadly are in fact really ill. My Little Bud's!! He-Who-Has-Taken-Me-Many-Times, has taken me to so very many appointments...he runs on JPT, you see, so I do stress alot about the punctuality piece, but He get's me there. Now, as far as He-Who-Has-Taken-Me-Many-Times, forgetting our talk and confirmation about today, um, well, he is kinfolk.
My therapyst, Sir Dude, returned my call and we had connection via telephone...an excellent connection. Touched base on where I am today, where have I been since last week, went over home work assignments, and he shared words of wisdom. I am thankful to have someone like Sir Dude on my Team...so very thankful.
...am also thankful for He-Who-Has-Taken-Me-Many-Times, for he has in fact taken me many-many times. I am blessed for this...him being the Pa of them two Lil' kinfolk is bonus.
Bygones.
I have no choice but to chalk this one up as, The Unfortunate Business Of The Home Bound...
...Walking my Path.
p.s. I have 7,777 self imposed rules.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
...crying...
I have not been awake one hour and one half this beautiful clear skyed morn and the crying has already started...this has not stopped for the past one hour. Or since my Bride pulled off to work, really. I love her so very much. She's working so hard to take care of me and my goofy half deaf ass! What am I to do to help her! These bills don't stop coming or our responsibilty does not become any less because someone takes ill...
...so, I sit here sobbing silently so as not to upset our hounds. My left eye orb still doesn't work properly, with relation to tears, it's 25% to my right eye's 100%. Sometimes, this affects my crying, but on a morning like this one, not so much. It's the eye orb that knows it cries. Just more slowly than the other. A consequence of a sugery a bit over one year ago. My lazy left eye...
...I am afraid and scared and horrified of losing any more of my world as I've known it. So much so, I pray to God to help me get my me back. So much has already been lost due to this meniere's disease and the all that is meniere's. It very truly hurts a man's heart and Spirit's when one has lost his meanful and gainful wages of employment due to illness. I think a chunk of the pride piece gets lost too. Even though, I've tried hard not to look at it like that. Being a prideful thing. I can't help it, I suppose.
Savings are tapped into...Bonds are sold...Shares of stock are sold. So much has been sacrificed time and time again, for an illness I would really rather not have.
I am a man who can not run. Or walk without aid...I am a man who can not drive a car or ride a bike/trike. I am a man who wants what every man wants for his wife and family. I am this man being the shell of the man he once was. I'm too young for this.
There's something not right with this picture.
This morning, I am up and awake. My Miss. P.T., will be here any moment. It is time to go to my closet and pick out a nice looking face.
Maybe today, I crawl on my Path...
...so, I sit here sobbing silently so as not to upset our hounds. My left eye orb still doesn't work properly, with relation to tears, it's 25% to my right eye's 100%. Sometimes, this affects my crying, but on a morning like this one, not so much. It's the eye orb that knows it cries. Just more slowly than the other. A consequence of a sugery a bit over one year ago. My lazy left eye...
...I am afraid and scared and horrified of losing any more of my world as I've known it. So much so, I pray to God to help me get my me back. So much has already been lost due to this meniere's disease and the all that is meniere's. It very truly hurts a man's heart and Spirit's when one has lost his meanful and gainful wages of employment due to illness. I think a chunk of the pride piece gets lost too. Even though, I've tried hard not to look at it like that. Being a prideful thing. I can't help it, I suppose.
Savings are tapped into...Bonds are sold...Shares of stock are sold. So much has been sacrificed time and time again, for an illness I would really rather not have.
I am a man who can not run. Or walk without aid...I am a man who can not drive a car or ride a bike/trike. I am a man who wants what every man wants for his wife and family. I am this man being the shell of the man he once was. I'm too young for this.
There's something not right with this picture.
This morning, I am up and awake. My Miss. P.T., will be here any moment. It is time to go to my closet and pick out a nice looking face.
Maybe today, I crawl on my Path...
Monday, November 8, 2010
Walking My Path
I am have difficulty with sharing what I'm about to share tonight. I am embarrassed by somrthing that sounds so absurd and irksome all in one same breath. At this moment, it doesn't matter who uttered these words. It's the where-what-the-with-all, and how this was expressed. Via telephone. No shit. I will digest them and wrap my head with them, then I'll speak with her...
It has been reported to me today that being Deaf and Hard of Hearing can no longer be an excuse...I was told earlier today, me being deaf and hard of hearing is no longer an excuse...
...being deaf and hard of hearing is no longer an excuse.
?
Yes, I've shed some tears today...on more than one occasion. Not a one from these words though. There's this gut feeling pushing me towards a little follow up. As in asking from which way was the wind blowing when these words were expressed. Perhaps a bad day at work? Or maybe some of this or some of that? I don't know. This is something that will lay still in my Spirit's...for a minute or a few.
The sounds coming from my right ear are high loud and have been a cruel form of torture for alot of the day. The sounds of a huge waterfall has been pouring in my ear hole! My left deaf ear has been picking up Morris Code or some Top Secret communique from Cairo, for what seems like hours since it started. I am dizzy, sweating and nauseated as I type tonight. The pattern of much sleep continues...yet, it is my hope to continue staying awake more with each passing day. With-in the next few minutes, I will be back to sleep. For good rest. I will have P.T. in the morning.
My nesting is wanting to return...I have started with going through my compact disc collection to clean them, place them in order of genre, and then chronological order. I reckon there will be more than a few that I'll be able to sell or trade. More like sell, I hope. That's Financial Matters and we have not even gone there yet. Oh, Lord.
In all that is now and present, I do my best to make an ugly and unpleasent situation (meniere's disease & related) as positive as possible. Not only for me, but for those who cross my Path. Them who are a part of my team. I continue to push the evelope good and plenty hard...this Path, takes nothing less from me...or I of myself.
...to have to hear those words, "being Deaf and Hard of Hearing is no longer an excuse"...
...reminds me that Walking My Path with my chin up is paramount... similar to Walking In Beauty...which is where I ultimately want to be.
For the present, I'll live life one day at a time. One breath, one step and one sentence at a time.
Walking My Path
It has been reported to me today that being Deaf and Hard of Hearing can no longer be an excuse...I was told earlier today, me being deaf and hard of hearing is no longer an excuse...
...being deaf and hard of hearing is no longer an excuse.
?
Yes, I've shed some tears today...on more than one occasion. Not a one from these words though. There's this gut feeling pushing me towards a little follow up. As in asking from which way was the wind blowing when these words were expressed. Perhaps a bad day at work? Or maybe some of this or some of that? I don't know. This is something that will lay still in my Spirit's...for a minute or a few.
The sounds coming from my right ear are high loud and have been a cruel form of torture for alot of the day. The sounds of a huge waterfall has been pouring in my ear hole! My left deaf ear has been picking up Morris Code or some Top Secret communique from Cairo, for what seems like hours since it started. I am dizzy, sweating and nauseated as I type tonight. The pattern of much sleep continues...yet, it is my hope to continue staying awake more with each passing day. With-in the next few minutes, I will be back to sleep. For good rest. I will have P.T. in the morning.
My nesting is wanting to return...I have started with going through my compact disc collection to clean them, place them in order of genre, and then chronological order. I reckon there will be more than a few that I'll be able to sell or trade. More like sell, I hope. That's Financial Matters and we have not even gone there yet. Oh, Lord.
In all that is now and present, I do my best to make an ugly and unpleasent situation (meniere's disease & related) as positive as possible. Not only for me, but for those who cross my Path. Them who are a part of my team. I continue to push the evelope good and plenty hard...this Path, takes nothing less from me...or I of myself.
...to have to hear those words, "being Deaf and Hard of Hearing is no longer an excuse"...
...reminds me that Walking My Path with my chin up is paramount... similar to Walking In Beauty...which is where I ultimately want to be.
For the present, I'll live life one day at a time. One breath, one step and one sentence at a time.
Walking My Path
Saturday, November 6, 2010
A Rain Forest
Turn back the clock night! 07 Nov.,2010. Turn back the clock night!
For us here in Central Florida and the Gulf Coast, it's 54 degrees outside and fifty anything degrees F., outside this time of year is ridiculous. No really, just utterly ridiculous! Although, I have always enjoyed the cool of Fall or the cold of Winter...I am a Child of the Fall, see, so I suppose it makes plenty sense...but, folks here are pulling out the parkas, hoodies, leather, fur and chimney's burning logs? Right...folks spark an early Christmas shopping rush at Beall's.
I continue to cry daily, sometimes several times a day. There have been times of an out pouring of uncontrolable weeping, sobs, and on occasion sounds, that come from with-in my Spirit's...that sound Wolf like...as from the gut and the throat. Most of my crying is very private...it is private.
At this moment a Rain Forest surrounds the folds of my brain...the sounds of crickets, frogs, and the night bird...it is so loud and clear tonight, I can differentiate their songs and sounds and am able to pick up gator in my back yard...LOUD, LOUD!
...hold it please, while on the topic of the folds of my brain, I am uncertain as to whether I have mentioned that my Doctor-With-All-The-Tools, is the only person to touch my brain. Ever. My Dear Good Doctor, touched my brain to make way for a snip-snip. In a Spiritual way I am connected to Doc. In an extraordinary way, he let my brain come into contact with the very air we were breathing...he touched my brain! I don't know too many folk who have had their brain touched by somebody...I don't know any body now that I think about it.
In my right ear there is an increase in the puffing affect as if my right ear is puffing full...these are bothersome and remind me time and again about my last surgery. I also go into instant stand by with concern of vertigo attacks. I have had what sounds like an old Air Raid siren in my right ear on and off for two days. There also continues to be momentary total loss of hearing...and yes. it has been reported. Really?! Momentary total loss of my damn hearing!!
At this moment my nausea level is a -6 and my dizzines level a 6. Other than very sharp stabbing pains on the left side of my skull, every once in a while, I have no pain.
I have been compelled to sleep more the past three days. Sort of like shutting things down or off for a spell. They're not planned. Sleep time and Dream World come when time comes. Many times, I reckon, my body over-rides and just closes shop.
Am wanting to nest again!!
Walking The Path...
...Mario
For us here in Central Florida and the Gulf Coast, it's 54 degrees outside and fifty anything degrees F., outside this time of year is ridiculous. No really, just utterly ridiculous! Although, I have always enjoyed the cool of Fall or the cold of Winter...I am a Child of the Fall, see, so I suppose it makes plenty sense...but, folks here are pulling out the parkas, hoodies, leather, fur and chimney's burning logs? Right...folks spark an early Christmas shopping rush at Beall's.
I continue to cry daily, sometimes several times a day. There have been times of an out pouring of uncontrolable weeping, sobs, and on occasion sounds, that come from with-in my Spirit's...that sound Wolf like...as from the gut and the throat. Most of my crying is very private...it is private.
At this moment a Rain Forest surrounds the folds of my brain...the sounds of crickets, frogs, and the night bird...it is so loud and clear tonight, I can differentiate their songs and sounds and am able to pick up gator in my back yard...LOUD, LOUD!
...hold it please, while on the topic of the folds of my brain, I am uncertain as to whether I have mentioned that my Doctor-With-All-The-Tools, is the only person to touch my brain. Ever. My Dear Good Doctor, touched my brain to make way for a snip-snip. In a Spiritual way I am connected to Doc. In an extraordinary way, he let my brain come into contact with the very air we were breathing...he touched my brain! I don't know too many folk who have had their brain touched by somebody...I don't know any body now that I think about it.
In my right ear there is an increase in the puffing affect as if my right ear is puffing full...these are bothersome and remind me time and again about my last surgery. I also go into instant stand by with concern of vertigo attacks. I have had what sounds like an old Air Raid siren in my right ear on and off for two days. There also continues to be momentary total loss of hearing...and yes. it has been reported. Really?! Momentary total loss of my damn hearing!!
At this moment my nausea level is a -6 and my dizzines level a 6. Other than very sharp stabbing pains on the left side of my skull, every once in a while, I have no pain.
I have been compelled to sleep more the past three days. Sort of like shutting things down or off for a spell. They're not planned. Sleep time and Dream World come when time comes. Many times, I reckon, my body over-rides and just closes shop.
Am wanting to nest again!!
Walking The Path...
...Mario
Thursday, November 4, 2010
...grace...
The Pony I ride today is brown with patches of white, one patch that looks like a thunder bolt on his left haunch/rear end, up high near his tail...he is strong and is holding me well. I want to take him on a run and go fast.
The rains and cool weather are approaching us from up North of here. Not so cool at this moment, but there is plenty wet from the rains - sometimes torrential down pours. I am thankful and Mother Earth here on the preserve is pleased, as the grass and pine tree...all of our plant life have suffered from a rather long dry spell. I am so very thankful. Yes, I am a tree hugger. Am a member of PETA maybe twelve or so years too.
The noises in my head are very loud tonight...Vietnam War era helecopters circle about within my right-good-bad-ear...the steady whooomp-whooomp-whooomp-whooomp. Yes, I know there's a third "o". I added it because this is what I am hearing - "right" now at 1148 pm Thursday evening. I am dizzy +7 and nausea +5. Earlier today, I heard a voice from behind me. Please, I am home alone. I had to brush it off, let me brush it off.
I had to take a mid-day nap earlier this afternoon. I had cried myself into an exhausted state of being. Slept for close to four hours...a sleep so deep, I had to fight to awake. I wonder if this was remnets of last week's attack. I don't know. Have cried off and on this afternoon and tonight while Brenda has been home. Some of these tears were shed out of fear and saddness as I had been informed someone of Relation had a stroke and it was required he go to hospital. Prayer requests were sent out. He is someone my family and I have just been reunited with along with my dear Aunt and cousins back in July. Honestly, I was so afraid for Uncle and all of his family. We just reunited back in July! My Mom's Clan. I love them so very dearly...and by the way, Uncle coming back strong!
Today was a grey and rainy day all day...a fitting day for a good cry or few, no matter what the issue. Grey days remind me of the coffee houses I worked with...cried about all those folks who crossed my path...it still hurts my spirit to know that my coffee company had to release me. Still have not been able to wrap this around my head. And to release me while out on a disabilty leave due to a disease I did not invite into my life cuts deeply...
...my apron and ball cap sit in the same spots I placed them the day I came home from work after I had a fall. They remind me of the joy I used to have in my center doing what I did. I have always enjoyed being a part of the energies and enviroment we would create at the stores. One thing I will say with open honest heart, I worked for this company for many a year. Had some terrific times and met so many wonderful people - doing what I do best - share my passion with so many like-minded and kindred.
I walk this Path, with passion for life and peace. I pray for world peace and pray for them hungry and without shelter. I pray for my own forgiveness. I pray and weep for what my eye orb's see and what I hear in my one ear hole. I walk this path in search of humble grace with every step I take...and then it is, I should share the gifts of visions and understandings.
The sights, thoughts, sounds and dreams are all different now. Oh God, Yes, I still have passion in my center...it's just that's not me in the mirror! Oh my Dear Great Spirit!!
Walking the Path, giving my pony a rest...
love, peace and grace,
Mario
The rains and cool weather are approaching us from up North of here. Not so cool at this moment, but there is plenty wet from the rains - sometimes torrential down pours. I am thankful and Mother Earth here on the preserve is pleased, as the grass and pine tree...all of our plant life have suffered from a rather long dry spell. I am so very thankful. Yes, I am a tree hugger. Am a member of PETA maybe twelve or so years too.
The noises in my head are very loud tonight...Vietnam War era helecopters circle about within my right-good-bad-ear...the steady whooomp-whooomp-whooomp-whooomp. Yes, I know there's a third "o". I added it because this is what I am hearing - "right" now at 1148 pm Thursday evening. I am dizzy +7 and nausea +5. Earlier today, I heard a voice from behind me. Please, I am home alone. I had to brush it off, let me brush it off.
I had to take a mid-day nap earlier this afternoon. I had cried myself into an exhausted state of being. Slept for close to four hours...a sleep so deep, I had to fight to awake. I wonder if this was remnets of last week's attack. I don't know. Have cried off and on this afternoon and tonight while Brenda has been home. Some of these tears were shed out of fear and saddness as I had been informed someone of Relation had a stroke and it was required he go to hospital. Prayer requests were sent out. He is someone my family and I have just been reunited with along with my dear Aunt and cousins back in July. Honestly, I was so afraid for Uncle and all of his family. We just reunited back in July! My Mom's Clan. I love them so very dearly...and by the way, Uncle coming back strong!
Today was a grey and rainy day all day...a fitting day for a good cry or few, no matter what the issue. Grey days remind me of the coffee houses I worked with...cried about all those folks who crossed my path...it still hurts my spirit to know that my coffee company had to release me. Still have not been able to wrap this around my head. And to release me while out on a disabilty leave due to a disease I did not invite into my life cuts deeply...
...my apron and ball cap sit in the same spots I placed them the day I came home from work after I had a fall. They remind me of the joy I used to have in my center doing what I did. I have always enjoyed being a part of the energies and enviroment we would create at the stores. One thing I will say with open honest heart, I worked for this company for many a year. Had some terrific times and met so many wonderful people - doing what I do best - share my passion with so many like-minded and kindred.
I walk this Path, with passion for life and peace. I pray for world peace and pray for them hungry and without shelter. I pray for my own forgiveness. I pray and weep for what my eye orb's see and what I hear in my one ear hole. I walk this path in search of humble grace with every step I take...and then it is, I should share the gifts of visions and understandings.
The sights, thoughts, sounds and dreams are all different now. Oh God, Yes, I still have passion in my center...it's just that's not me in the mirror! Oh my Dear Great Spirit!!
Walking the Path, giving my pony a rest...
love, peace and grace,
Mario
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Folks, I read a dictionary...+ a note to Santa
As of early this afternoon, I am now able to say that for the first time in my life, I have read a dictionary. From the letter A,a, through the letter Z.z. Read every word, every definition and proper pronunciation.
Thus, the title of this entry. Folks, I read a dictionary. Oh yes, I did. It was "The New International Webster's Standard Dictionary," and it was a true reading experience. I found incorrect spellings. Incomplete definitions, words within definitions that the "dictionary" did not have definitions for. I found a racially twisted definition and definitions that were more like justifications or printing vague definitions.
This experience was and is a truly different reading material for me. I did enjoy it and I even highlighted special words or definitions, and yes, the errors too. I had to. So, it's like this: I did say I enjoyed it, but I am irritated as all get out with the way my customer satisfaction is concerned.
I purchased this book to read and learn. I did...but I did not, en'it?
...Now I want more...maybe if I'm a good boy Santa will bring me one for Christmas. Oh, Santa! If you see this blog/note, I have been a good boy! No, REALLY! And all I want is a dictionary I can read, enjoy and learn from. Please, Santa, not one of those that weigh so dang much I might could pull a muscle in my back...you know which ones I'm talking about Santa! I miss you very much! I will see you real soon!
Walking the Path...
...it's only me, Mario
Thus, the title of this entry. Folks, I read a dictionary. Oh yes, I did. It was "The New International Webster's Standard Dictionary," and it was a true reading experience. I found incorrect spellings. Incomplete definitions, words within definitions that the "dictionary" did not have definitions for. I found a racially twisted definition and definitions that were more like justifications or printing vague definitions.
This experience was and is a truly different reading material for me. I did enjoy it and I even highlighted special words or definitions, and yes, the errors too. I had to. So, it's like this: I did say I enjoyed it, but I am irritated as all get out with the way my customer satisfaction is concerned.
I purchased this book to read and learn. I did...but I did not, en'it?
...Now I want more...maybe if I'm a good boy Santa will bring me one for Christmas. Oh, Santa! If you see this blog/note, I have been a good boy! No, REALLY! And all I want is a dictionary I can read, enjoy and learn from. Please, Santa, not one of those that weigh so dang much I might could pull a muscle in my back...you know which ones I'm talking about Santa! I miss you very much! I will see you real soon!
Walking the Path...
...it's only me, Mario
Thoughts of this morning...
...I think it's me...
Had a visit with my Mr. Psych this morn, which is a visit that's usually way too brief, but I suspect Doc took an extra few for me today. I am thankful. In my core there was a need for this that I was clueless about...until I left and have had a while to digest our exchange...our talk.
We went over all that Sir Dude and I spoke of yesterday...almost an hour of FYI all crammed up into twenty or so minutes! Usually it's like that too! But today, time seemed to ease up on me for a spell...so much said, so many emotions, so much heard, so much stirred...so much talk.
The past two mornings have been very productive...much has been accomplished. I would like to believe, but damn, too much talk!
While at Dr. Psych's office, I felt as if there was some form of vacuum attached to the underside of my chair draining and pulling my energies down and away. I left there feeling subdued and spent and actually in a different place (inside) than when we arrived for my visit. Oh yes, we had a productive talk.
There's this piece or part of me that believes I dropped the ball again. Today. Did I take my all to the plate. Oh God, I want to believe I do and that I did this morning! Me and my talk...
...it's me...
Had a visit with my Mr. Psych this morn, which is a visit that's usually way too brief, but I suspect Doc took an extra few for me today. I am thankful. In my core there was a need for this that I was clueless about...until I left and have had a while to digest our exchange...our talk.
We went over all that Sir Dude and I spoke of yesterday...almost an hour of FYI all crammed up into twenty or so minutes! Usually it's like that too! But today, time seemed to ease up on me for a spell...so much said, so many emotions, so much heard, so much stirred...so much talk.
The past two mornings have been very productive...much has been accomplished. I would like to believe, but damn, too much talk!
While at Dr. Psych's office, I felt as if there was some form of vacuum attached to the underside of my chair draining and pulling my energies down and away. I left there feeling subdued and spent and actually in a different place (inside) than when we arrived for my visit. Oh yes, we had a productive talk.
There's this piece or part of me that believes I dropped the ball again. Today. Did I take my all to the plate. Oh God, I want to believe I do and that I did this morning! Me and my talk...
...it's me...
Monday, November 1, 2010
...thoughts on the morning...
This morning was a well-paced therapeutic journey, with my morning starting early and prepared for Miss. P.T...we did push the physical me, which provoked symptoms of dizziness, nausea and perspiration, as if I had just completed a quick jog to the corner to catch the ice cream man and back - which is a sad situation en'it? I can't run. Once I caught my breath and balance, I felt good and positive energies...to work and push muscles that have grown too placid...to feel my muscles. What? But now, I contemplate, did I really push the envelope? Was there more I could have done...why didn't we take a walk about? Why didn't I assert myself and ask why not? We'll walk about next session. This I am certain of.
Sir Dude, my Mental Health Care Team Member, was able to see me with a right away approach and we had a good session. There was something, though, that kept it from being an excellent visit and session. I feel I missed out or something slipped in my skull that did not get worked on...or at times was not there in mind, spirit, and body...my energies scattered. I feel as if I have left my Sir Dude thinking (and I thinking) that I could have done more to push and work it. The heavy sense of disappointment is beating a drum in my heart...sending me a message, and I'm positive this will be translated soon. This was my bad. Not Sir Dude's. I know he came ready and prepared. Even got me in session a bit early and we had a very good exchange. There was something I did not take to the plate and I'll figure this shit out.
Alright then, Sir Dude assigned homework, and I will look up and read daily Native American prayers, my prayers, and pray to remember there are millions of folks out there dying every day from their diseases...all over our Earth Mother, everyday! I will pray to remember to be thankful for where I am on this trail...I will pray, too, for my relations to have patience with me, and pray that I too will learn to have more patience with I and I. Oh, Lord.
Dr. Psych and I will meet in the morrow at eleven.
I thank them both...my Mental Health Care Team mates...and me, Mario
Sir Dude, my Mental Health Care Team Member, was able to see me with a right away approach and we had a good session. There was something, though, that kept it from being an excellent visit and session. I feel I missed out or something slipped in my skull that did not get worked on...or at times was not there in mind, spirit, and body...my energies scattered. I feel as if I have left my Sir Dude thinking (and I thinking) that I could have done more to push and work it. The heavy sense of disappointment is beating a drum in my heart...sending me a message, and I'm positive this will be translated soon. This was my bad. Not Sir Dude's. I know he came ready and prepared. Even got me in session a bit early and we had a very good exchange. There was something I did not take to the plate and I'll figure this shit out.
Alright then, Sir Dude assigned homework, and I will look up and read daily Native American prayers, my prayers, and pray to remember there are millions of folks out there dying every day from their diseases...all over our Earth Mother, everyday! I will pray to remember to be thankful for where I am on this trail...I will pray, too, for my relations to have patience with me, and pray that I too will learn to have more patience with I and I. Oh, Lord.
Dr. Psych and I will meet in the morrow at eleven.
I thank them both...my Mental Health Care Team mates...and me, Mario
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