Greetings,
After having scared myself three times in my safe place, I decided it best to remove myself from said place. These damned sounds and noises that come from my ears are driving me into a dive I do not know that I am prepared for at this time. I can share this with my Guests...
...that I'm not afraid to say, that I am not afraid I may be prepared to change everything.
A change up pitch for the books and I am all up on myself when it is not I who puts this body of mine through this shit. Meniere's Disease, not breathing properly sucks. I can't drive. I have not driven in a hand full of years. For shits sake, I can't ride my old pony, Botswana, sent him out to pasture...
...as I was laying next to my softly-lady-snoring Bride, Botswana, reading my book about the Jewish Holocaust and Genocide during the WWII. I lay there in my safe place, in what was supposed to be a silent room for us to sleep and rest. As I lay there reading, I was listening to what sounded like a Piper Plane approaching from afar, North of here and sounding as if it was due to pass over head, but I listened real close like and it did not pass. The damned thing would not pass from above our lodge. So I listened and I listened real hard. It was then and when I lifted my head and right hard of hearing ear from the pillow to hear what the hell was going on. Kindred, there wasn't a damned plane above me. No, not even the slightest sound coming from out of doors. No, and stop, because I have shared the phenomena before and to the best of my memory, this may be the third or fourth time a plane got stuck in animated suspension above my sanctuary. The deaf left and the implant just lay there silently, and yet it is the left deaf ear that I hear so much shit from. Tonight, as last night there has been this stupendous roaring in the crevices of what was once my vestibular and cochlea and all of that ear stuff, and all of that hearing and balance shit on the left side of my scalp and skull. Why, at this instant I am listening to a field of corn that has been infested with Crow and their calling's, my God, what a fucking sound. I bring up the instant because these sounds happen like that too. Sounds by the moment, by the instant and then, there are the sounds that move in and don't leave.
I sit here at 2347, with air condition, sweating and am uncomfortable. On many levels uncomfortable. On the physical there is this sweating processes, the nausea has made most of today on the look out because I had had a gagging attack earlier today. When I broke fast, the eating was a nauseating experience, as in with each bite, my mouth and salivation glands produced enough of my body fluids that there was enough juices to predigest each morsel.
I fell this evening. In my bath room and bashed the top of my head with the bath room door. The door won. Since then, I have had a dramatic increase of the pain and discomfort associated with my cervical spine, my neck, shoulders and scalp. All of the before mentioned symptoms had been on an increase the past seventy hours. The fall made tomorrows calls to my doctors all the more important. By the way, these damned spiders are back, yeah, I know. I'm not positive they ever left, really. Bastards.
My balance and coordination has been way off today. I was on full alert and walked with intention and with a purpose. Today, I slept sixteen hours. Yesterday, I slept fifteen hours and the day before then and the day before that, I have slept sixteen or more hours every damned day of my life and My Path for as far back as 21 March 2013. No, maybe it was right before what the White Folks like to call Thanksgiving Day, 2012...
...no, maybe it has been since the first time I was sexually abused back in 1963. Oh my God, that is so profound that it makes me sick in my stomach which compounds an already nauseated night.
Oh, Great Spirit, wait one second. I am only fifty three. Wait. I have to stop chatting about this subject for just a spell. Kindred, something was just stirred up right then. Yes.
How am I to tell He-Who-Touched-My-Brian, that there is a new painful lump growing at the site?
I don't know. I don't know. I don't damned know.
One of the newest members to my team, Dr. She-With-Many-Names, made a statement to me that was so full of understanding and empathy that her words reached and have rested in my heart. Her words bonded me immediately to her as my new Neurologist, and I knew then that an expert in her field, with such passion and compassion for her patients just had to be my doctor too. There has been issue with the pharmacy, insurance and my doctor's office that is preventing me from getting medication she has ordered. For one bitching time, I want a brand new pretty pill, AND now, the shit has to gotten all political and shit.
An Advocate and my Doctor She-With-Many-Name's, have both asked me, "How is it that other people tell me about my disease?". The very people I speak of are the people who do not know what this disease has done to me. All of these Kind Folks with so many different organizations in my life and their words and their judgements, most damned of all my family and what friends are left with their words and judgements. You see, my Kindred One's, this is the way My Path has been traveled since the Meniere's Disease changed every-fucking-thing in my life...
...when life happened in my life, when I went Gimpy and Deaf and Hard of Hearing, with a metal plate, a walker, two or three cane's and an implant too? Shit please, people's scattered like cock roaches in the garage when the light's get turned on. Oh-yeah, this is a reality in life and it affected every branch of my White, Brown, Red, and Black Ass Family Tree. Seen.
No, I have not been able to answer my dearest Dr. Wilson or My Advocate yet. I haven't found an answer or reply as of yet. I speculate I will soon.
I reckon. Ciao Bella's!
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