Kindred,
Today is the Fourth Day of April, 2013.
I sit in a place that I have learned is not too safe for me anymore. Seems to me that the more I am cut off from what is happening in my immediate area and community, the more worrisome I become. Soon, my dearest Bride and I will gather our thoughts and idea's to come up with a plan on how we are going to make our home a safer and more secure place for me when I am home alone and for when my wife, Botswana and I are here tucked away in our Lodge.
When I sit here while home alone, as I am now, the front of the Lodge is disconnected from me. Same is true about the entire West Wing, which includes our bedroom that includes two of my Safe Places, our great room, dining room, a bath and our garage. And even though just ten or so yards from the East Yard, I do not hear what is going on out there either. I know that it has rained off and on today, I smell it. The yard, gardens and car port are wet, but I did not hear a sound or one drop. The rains have come in good time. The drought continues and we have some dangerous situations going on here in Florida, with area's that are dry that were not dry before. Lakes, ponds and streams have gone dry. Blessed, Great Spirit, let it rain and let it rain some more.
On Tuesday the second I was able to break the cycle of sleep. Oh, and how appropriate is the use an exclamation right about now! That morning, I woke at 0730 and had my chin dragging on the floor and I was so ready and so-steadily-situated-to-side-step on things and area's of intense focus on matters that have been at work and in progress for months. Please, keep in mind that over the course of ten days I had slept over one hundred fifty hours, I was disgusted with myself and for what I thought were such damned important subjects just days ago. I was prepared to self sabotage all that My Team and I have done and worked on and gotten to and for fucks sake, I am serious. I was wrapped deeply in the blankets of sadness, gloom and a whole heapin' serving of self-loathing...
...seems to be that I would 'get it' by now that post Meniere's attack symptoms include that I am to be enveloped by the gloom. I'll catch on some time, some day. Some way, I say, I will. I promise this to myself and I.
Later on this past Tuesday, I was provided the opportunity to have a face to face with my right good doctor, He-Who-Touched-My-Brain. Sadly, I took that energy of self-destruction with me. I know I did because I saw my Spirit meet with Doctor's and my Doctor's Spirit's were affected by my words. That afternoon and no more than a couple of hours after doctor had his face in my face, I had reversed the direction I was headed in and steadied my Pony and got back on My Path and on course...
...I say I can do this. I can do it. Do it. Can Do! Drill Sargent! Yes, I'll Just Do It. To Deaf!
'Vonn, from over at Doc. D.'s clinic has faxed over the referral for work to be done in our bath. I am so excited that I can't deny it! I will bring along this document when I meet with My Advocate, over at Self-Reliance, Inc., next week. I'm so excited about the visit too because My Advocate has some fantastic equipment for me.
And, oh yes, all of this sure does fit in right on in there with respects to making our home a safer environment for me and a more secure home for us to dwell. I am indeed the Blessed One to have crossed paths with My Advocate and this extraordinary organization. I am.
The rains have kept our temperatures cool and comfortable in and out of doors. After several days of air condition, it is pleasant to have the breeze pass through our House of Seven Windows. Yet, even with these cooler temperature's, the sweats of Meniere's has had me with or without a shirt off and on all of the today. I sit here bare chested and am still uncomfortable. Yes, I know, it's all part of the Meniere's Experience and I probably might could have a plan in place for this and then, I would say to anyone who says that to me to please kiss my ass. Wait, that's no way to treat a Lady, but this type of verbiage is the type of shit I have to hear and listen to when ignorant Folks talk. Seems to me like there is still a whole damned many of them too. But, I share, things are getting better.
Since this Tuesday, the nausea has been on hyper-drive and has been hyper-productive. I have had gagging attacks on the extense. What, when all I am bringing out of my mouth is the saliva that seems to become over productive and literally spills from my gagging face and mouth. I mean, for shits sake, I gag and I hunch over in anticipation of vomit knowing there's nothing in my stomach. I was and am passing body liquids from my face like a fountain. No, not funny, although I did laugh at myself when I caught a peak at what I look like when I have these gagging attacks. Fack Honey's!
My right ear has been having some very difficult times hearing since this most recent Meniere's and vertigo attack and its symptom's. I swear that it seems as if my hearing has gone to a new low level of difficulty hearing. Then, there are the sounds and noises coming from both ears so very bad these two past days. My Dear Good One God, MY EARS ARE ROARING! Earlier today, shortly after rising from bed actually and around 0930, I heard what sounded like a jet plane in freeze frame over the Lodge. Hell yes, just like if a air bus was in a state of suspended animation - directly over head and not traveling anywhere. Just there. With it's engines roaring and roaring, loud and louder. No, there wasn't a damned air bus out side! By the way, I did not go out of doors to look. On this piece, I have taken it for granted that I am learning to distinguish what is this from what is and isn't that. My Deaf Left Ear is acting up and sending and receiving Top Secret Codes from the KGB, the FBI and the CIA and the Guamanian Secret Service. These Morris Codes have been non-damned-stop since last night. I went to bed to rest and sleep with the Morris Code and I woke this morning with the beepity-beep-beep-beepity-beep-beep. There seems to be an urgency coming out of Moscow. Um, no I don't have my translator on yet. Fuck!
These beeps are inhumane! The Geneva Convention would file papers against this type of torture. I know this as a fact, it is a very simple fact, this type of sound and effect has affected who I am, where I am headed now and today compared to just a very short few years ago. I know this.
To my Guest's, I wish to thank you for your visit. I am honored.
The cycle of sleep has been broken!
Love, peace and more peace, me
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