...consequences...

The sleeping has continued and am ashamed to say I have slept well over one hundred hours since last Wednesday evening. It has been one hell of a heavy consequence. Have never had post vertigo attack symptoms go on for this long...lingering, as if enjoying the torment. It's mad, but I would much rather be in bed right now...am so tired of being tired. Exhausted still.

Today is yet another dreadful day with the bad nausea. A "9", I suspect. My talk has become affected by the fullness in my throat...as in, to sometimes stutter or am slurred. The dizziness is sick and has me by the all-of-me. I am sweating profusely, even after a cool shower minutes ago and am in an air conditioned enviroment. My body aches and is sore...

...there is a pinging going on in my left deaf ear. Consistant like this...pinnnnng... pinnnnng...pinnnnnng.....pinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng and fucking pinnnnnnnging. My right-good-bad-ear is roaring with an undescribable noise. My balance and coordination is just this side of way off, so it is necessary to walk with purpose. Presently, there's more purpose than much of anything else. I've thought.

Look. Ten minutes ago I have just had another vertigo attack. Am in it right at this moment. Want to get this out there! Oh. I have to go.

As A Consequence...

Thunder and rain surrounds my home...I can hear this gift to our Earth Mother plain and quite clear...God's Bowling. The skies are deep grey, wind is blowing good and plenty and this bathe smells so cleansing...there has been thunder to sound like tubular. Is it my ear hole? I don't know.

I swear! I hope I don't end up reading in tomorrows press that we have been breathing toxic chemicals from Japan. Damn it, it just makes sense to me...it has rained such in New York City already.

Woke up at noon today. Have been awake since. I'll see what today brings. Thus far there has been a mad carnival ride of emotions going on inside. Have shed many a good tear...

I miss my Mom, Dad and Little Big Brother David. The love remains alive long after the day of passing came and left with you all...my heart wants me to say, the sorrow also remains alive long after your passing's. Prayers are said with your names to this day. I love you all so much. Still.

Since the evening of last Wednesday the 23rd of March, I have slept right about eighty hours. Have learned with these stretches of sleep that my body closes down to some degree. I don't know this for sure. What I do know is that there are times when it is not necessary to wake for rest room or medication, or water. Huge gaps of time are sent adrift..I awoke Saturday, for a trip to the park where my wonderful daughters gathered Relations for the celebration of my Brides birthday. An excellent occasion indeed but, I am not certain if I have ever felt such a drain of energy and strength...as if I was being absorbed by some sort of funnel vacum. My Spirit's are pleased I went, my body not so much...

I am exhausted and am aware I will return to sleep in a spell. I am high nausea and quite dizzy at this moment. I am perspring...hell, I'm sweating. Have a sore throat from the nausea and feel rather hollow in my chest. My right ear is full with an orchestra of crickets. My bed calls me by my first name...

Thank you to He-From-Way-Up-North-East! From my Spirit to your's, I say thank you, for the hard work you have done for my family and I. Thank you for representing me as if I were your Uncle and not a number. Thanks please to all who came before you and to you Sir, who have been by my side for soon to be three years...in my Spirit's that's a chunk of time of life...my Path. I am humbled.

To He-Who-Lives-With-The-Choctaw, your silence is a prayer. Sir, soon I shall return yours with same.

Relations, peace and love to all! May you all be blessed with good health and happiness! Folks, I truly am exhausted and am so uncomfortable, so please, until the next time...peace.

Latest Vertigo Attack, Most Current...

On this past Wednesday at approxitmately 1900 I had what I thought was a brief minor vertigo attack. Little did I know the brief visitor scrambeled my innards good and plenty. In the past two and or so days I have slept right near forty hours...

...I had been having issues with my right ear plopping - which has been going on for some time, tremendously loud noises in my left deaf ear which reminded me of the Caution Alerts at Rail Road crossings...so freaking out loud! I continue to have bouts of total silence in my right-good-bad-ear.

Earlier, my morning and afternoon had been fair with nausea and dizziness, and was up to my usual day-to-day routine. For that matter, I had been atop a very strong and beautiful pony for what seemed to be days.

Then Wednesday evening, while resting on my sofa with my bride, out of the blue clear sky, I was in the attack. With no tell-tale signs! Other than the same stuff I always live with. When attacked I was with extreme high nausea, sweating like a pony, dizzy beyond discription and the noises in my both ears that made me fell nearer to insane.

I really must keep this a post breif as I am sweating and am feeling quite awkward with my key board. Am sleepy and wish to return to bed.

There is an urgeny in my wanting to return to Dream World. I am exhausted and my body from the knuckles of my toes, to the base of my skull are in a state of discomfort...ache, sore, in pain...in Dream World I am permitted a get away for a spell.

...I'm tired.

I am once again enveloped by this disease meniere's and it's abundant absurdty. I have amazed myself that I really have indeed kept just this side of sanity.

Enough said, let me permit my pony rest as I shall myself along side of this Path of mine. This Red Road, my Life.

My i-pod and One Ear Hole...Random Thoughts

Hello and greetings Kindred. Just a brief note on the going's on around here lately. Clarify a thought or two and keep the going's on, going on.

Please do note, all boundaries established and words pertaining to boundaries provided in earlier posts remain the same. Sorry, these remain steadfast.

Had a meet and greet with Brother Sir Dude, my therapist, this morning. I expected less of today's gathering when I walked in and left with so much more than I could have hoped for. Almost as if there was a tune up of the inner engine...went in not feeling so nice about self, before I knew it, it was time to scoot. Lord, know's I know, time fly's when one's alive. I suspect Sir Dude appreciates my expanding the boundaries on this present Path of mine. There's also no doubt Sir, has an excellent idea of the sort of fellow I am. He know's more about me than I do for Pete's sake. With the passing of time, have learned to respect, trust and love the patient - therapist relationship that has been established. I appreciate his teachings and shared same as I left his office shortly after noon. Today, much was covered, a huge shit load really and I am okay with this, my Relations. Really thankful too...

...so yes way, I am. Will live this life with thanks, in grace and not forget to love. Others, as well as myself...

...I think I thought, I forgot what love was.

Last Wednesday, was able to visit with He-Who-Touched-My-Brain. Had excellent exchange and was of course able to get one of his fantastic doctor/dude hugs. Always a heart felt, Relation's way to hug. Free medicine I tell you! Due to the plopping in my right ear getting worse rather than better, Doctor decided to try another type-o-pill. I agreed. Knowing it still too early to base opinions, I'll wait another couple or few days. Okay, no I won't wait then...the plopping continues. As recently as an hour ago...

...today is Tuesday, the 22nd of March. Earlier this afternoon, I had another situation when and where I lost total hearing in my right ear. Was laying in bed when it happened and just waited for it to come back to me...when it did, I slept for a while. I beleive this was the longest gap of time with the silence. My crystal ball tells me a total loss of hearing would break me. No, I don't want to deal with this or that. Not right now anyway...the nausea is moderatly high as is the dizziness. Have a constant piiiiiinnnnnnnnnnging going on in my Left-Deaf-Ear and at this moment a roaring, as in at the bottom of a large water fall roaring, is living in my Right-Good-Bad-Ear. The Funky Worm, has returned to the left side of my head...the space between my flesh and skull. So damn weird to feel what truly feels like Earth Worm sized worms wiggling about! Honey please, this shit's simply not cool. I believe it to be healing nerves and such, but I do not know. Will have to leave that up to He-Who-Touched-My-Brain. It's just not normal or right, true? Please...

Have you ever had a spasm on your face?

My BAHA, Bone Anchored Hearing Aid, needs another repair. Hope to get it to Dr. B.'s, sometime this week. Her plan is to send it off for repair...which render's me SSD, Single Sided Deaf for as long as the repair may take. I hope not too long. Have grown attached to my BAHA and this is not the first time me and my BAHA have been seperated. I've placed a faux diamond chip on the outside of one of the processor sheilds. So cool! Offers a little bling to the three ear thing. Yes, I do consider it so and surgicaly correct to state I have same, thus it is so, I have three ears...betcha I have three ears to bathe. Alright then...

**NOTE: A NOTE TO OTHER'S WHO HAVE A BAHA OR ARE SSD, SINGLE SIDED DEAF.**

If I could reach just a few of us who wear a BAHA, we're 70,000 strong, I would share that I have taught myself to enjoy both ear buds from my i-pod! Over the course of the past two or so years, I continued to enjoy my pod - never gave up. Being SSD provides but one ear to listen with, thus one ear bud is used, so I place one bud in my Right-Good-Bad-Ear-Hole and the other behind my ear pointed toward my inner ear - rather like wearing a pencil behind one's ear! Holy Mole it WORKS!!! I have challenged kinfolk with two ears to try it. So cool...

The nose bleeds continue. Two in the past week. Think I'll dust off the ole nettie pot for a spell. This is my curse...my man-period. Hush...hell, as long as this been going on, seems to me as if there would be a name or diagnosis for this by now.

It is time I get back to Crazy Horse, Sitting Bull, and Red Cloud.

Tomorrow I begin Yoga.

Walking my Path is filled with the notes of music...it helps the medicine go down. One beat at a time, keeping the going's on, going on. One day, one step at a time.

Something's Bright Ahead...A Reality Check

While sitting in "my" chair at Sir Dude's office and while in the midst of communications and exchanges, a few things went clunk-clunk in my mind, center and Spirit's...much more than an "aha" moment for sure.

The catastrophic events across Earth Mother, in Japan, in China and Northern Africa, has reminded me of something that has stirred up a bit of the want to kick ass with the pushing of the proverbial envelope. My prayers and good energies are sent in all directions of the globe...

...the images burnt into my Mind's Eye, shook the very fondation on which I base my Life's Path...the decisions made or not made, the Directions I would travel to get to this point...

Oh God, please read these words...

How can I be so sad, blue and depressed to the point of medication and therapy? When entire city's are not there anymore...be self-loathing, while thousands and thousands have died or have lost kinfolk, home and way of life.

Why must I cry these tears? With self-doubt? To despair from deafness in one ear and loss of hearing in the other, loss of balance, and change of life is justified. Yes. True and it is true. But...

...I hear something whisper in my left ear that this "Years Long Winter", is breaking up...soon it will pass and leave me in a better place. The Self-Pity will be pushed from my mind and pushed harder than the envelope...

The Pity Party is over! Please, My Good God, read these words.

Pray more for others and less for self.

Proclaiming 2011/2012, my "Farewell Tour", from musical events, based on the knowledge my hearing seems to only worsen as time comes and goes. So as much as we might afford or even freebies, I hope to enjoy as many musical events as possible over the next year and one half. The "Farewell Tour", was received very well by my therapist...almost a standing ovation.

Proclaiming 2011/2012, healthier times for me. The Meniere's Disease is as it shall be. There ain't shit I can do about the vertigo attacks and the freaking symptoms that come along post-attack. The symptoms I contend with daily will do as they will. So I will ensure that when I have a Strong Pony under butt, I will ride the Strong Pony to Deaf! Due to the sugar scare while in hospital and the immediate controlled intake of all foods and drink I have lost many pounds. The sugar level is controlled. My body wants me to do more! I want to exercise more! I want to have better strength all around for when I do venture out of doors. Wherever it may be.

Sir Dude, is all about the yoga. Think I'll have a look and see.

There is an unfortunate certainty that I have made many mistakes along this Path over the past few years. Maybe it was I who chased them away, my Relations, not the Winds of Fall...maybe it was I who put up walls and barriers. Looking only with-in, in my sad and lonely world. For me, created and perpetuated the self-pity that grew into a heavy load...not only for I, but on All of my Relations.

I am aware today is today. This is where I am today. I am alive. I am married to my best friend. I have two beautiful daughter's. And yes, I am a mixed breed. I am thankful for today...for where I am at this very moment.

Where I'll be tomorrow is up to The Great Spirit. Think I'll take a stroll down this, My Path...have a go at it!

There is something bright at the end of the tunnel and no it's not the light of a train! It's the Light of Hope. I can smell it...

Pray, Prayer, Prayer's...

I pray and send out prayer's to the millions of people affected and effected by the Japanese earth quake and the subsequent tsunami. I had never seen anything like this until it happened. I cried until there was no more to cry...my eye's went dry and felt so. The visions are embedded deep in my memory. Pieces of glass in my eye orb would have been better than what I was watching on the television...so much destruction, so many lost and too many dead. The devastation. I prayed then as I pray now. God Please! Hear my brothers and sisters from the land far away. Please God.


A note on the disease Meniere's. Since last Wednesday evening, the 9th day of March 2011, I have slept for a good chunk of life. To the best of my knowledge and experiance I did not have a vertigo attack on that day...


...it was on that afternoon my bride, my sister, Face-From-North-Carolina and her wife of many years went to see Tanya Tucker in concert at The Strawberry Festival. The entire process of walking about was laborious, stressful and made me feel as if I was intoxicated in a physical way - not intoxicated by the drink type of way. Too many missteps, too many obstacles, too many folks bumping into me and or I into them. Was always on guard! I was so afraid of falling. Did more sitting than walking...it was a bleeding show just watching the folks go by. So many happy people!

Oh yes, almost forgot to mention Tanya Tucker's concert! She was just so damn fantastic! The first time I saw Ms. Tucker was in 1972/1973. Dad and Mom had taken us over to George Jones and Tammy Wynette's house for shows on occasion and it just so happened that on this one particular visit, Miss. Tucker was one of the entertainers there that day. Since then, even though she does'nt know this, we have been the dearest of friends. Such a grand show it was last Wednesday. Another memorey...

Am thinking seriously about naming this year and 2012, My Farewell Tour, to concerts and musical events. Even but a few nine rows from stage I had difficulty hearing alot of what was being sung as Ms. Tucker sang. I was wearing my BAHA, Bone Anchored Hearing Aid, which offered me nothing more than having an appliance of some sort sticking from my skull, thus, deaf on the left and my right ear was not worth a damn...I would have to cup my right ear to get a satisfactory sound. I love music...with what is happening I think maybe soon I do say farewell to concerts, orchestra, shows and the what-not's that require the hearing piece to be in place. Maybe soon. Shit!

Back on the Meniere's piece, my right good-bad-ear continues to plop. I mean, like we had an operation that was to have taken care of this and yet this goes on. There is also a medication I take for this. This my right-good-bad-ear also continues to have moments of total silence. For me there is a real life fear factor with this process. I love to listen to music. I love the voices of my wife and children...the voices of all my Relations. Far or near. Them here or those who have gone before me...your voices will always have a home in my brains ear hole. Always.

...at this moment, I am high nausea and speaking of nausea, have had productive nausea over past five days. There have been a few times when I have actually thrown-up in my mouth. Yes gross, but vomit happens.

...dizziness is a seven and as I type these words I have incentive to go take my medication...as it is so. I say at this moment, as if there are moments when there is no dizziness or nausea or sounds in my ears. These symptoms simply move along as they wish. There is no CONTROL of these symptoms - only compromise. They control my life and I. Much more often than not, sleeping win's. It's just that simple...

...sleeping keeps me safe. (Have slept roughly seventy hours since Wednesday evening) It keeps me safe from the dizziness and other sypmtoms. Unless there are break through symptoms. Sleep keeps the noises and voices away. Even though, I have been stirred from sleep by a noise or voice that was from within...not on the outside of my skull. Lately sounds in my ears have been the long and constant beeeeeep from the emergency alert system on T.V. to the foot tall crickets at play outside my bedroom window...

...have had quests not here speak to me here. I can hear them. Am starting to believe these are voices from the other side and it is my purpose to steer them in the correct direction. Perhaps. Sir Dude, say's audible hallucinations...He-Who-Touched-My-Brain calls this an anomaly...I say I can hear dead people and a spectrum of sounds and noises from both ears. I suspect why the anomaly.

Today is the 14th day of March 2011. My Life's Path has been an untraveled one for four and a half days. I hope and pray that soon I'll have the ability and strength to walk for long walks as I once did. I miss walking and I truly miss running. I have to believe prayer's are answered...I have to believe that the harder I push the envelope, the more productive I will be.

For all my Relations. I pray.

I pray and sometimes sing my prayers...as I walk my Path...

Issues, Honey

Figures that with my 99th publication there would be issues...

...this is number 100.

Last night and this morning my blog would not publish. So I'll work around the technical issues.

Green? Green then...

peace,
Mario

Had A Fast Zebra...A Good Pony

For three incredible days I was able to ride a good and strong pony. Was also upon the back of a fast zebra...a lesson from old friend. Them couple/few days I felt so stong and alert. It felt good in my Spirit's...my Inner-One.

This was Friday, Saturday and Sunday, the 4 thru 6 March 2011. On that Friday, I pushed the enveolpe by doing errands with my Bride after she got home from work. She picked me up from home and we were off to the market and the store called T.J. It was so nice to get out a while. Have noticed I have become less self-aware when it comes to the implant and processor sticking out the side of my skull. If folks are that curious, so be it. That, my brothers and sisters is a big thing for me. (So please, celebrate with me.) Used to bug the shit out of me. At both locations I did perspire a great deal but, I kept calm and followed Mama...it felt so grand to see folks out and about, folks with smiles and good energy...eye candy at the super market, it's where shopping is a pleasure for me, Honey...no shit.

On the Saturday, we traveled up to Mount Dora for a fantastic Powwow. A splendid gathering indeed! Stayed for a few hours. Mingled with folks from various Nations....visited with folks from Way Out West, them who have crossed Path's with me before Saturday. Rather like several mini-reunions at a huge peaceful gathering...very similar to a Family Reunion, just on a differint level. Was able to meet and speak with Mr. Bill Miller, a 3 time Grammy winner and well known through-out our Earth Mother as one of the best Native American flutist. We listened to his performance which truly was breathe taking. We watched Fancy Dancer's from the East, North, West and South. Cherokee represented!! As far away as Central America. We walked a spell, sat a spell, chatted a spell, shopped a spell...my Spirit's were in fact under the influence by the Spell's with-in our gathering...the scent's of white sage...bison burgers, BBQ, kettel corn, the smoke and scents of the fire burning in the center of the sacred circle...Nag Champa, the smell of many leathers and furs...the scent's of the people gathered there Saturday. An AWESOME blend of no incense ever lite by my hands. Thank You Great Spirit, for showing the way and for breathing your words through the breath of my Sister from Brooksville. I am Blessed. Don't suspect I'll lose memory of this for a very long time. There is no doubt of my having lost a pound or two while at powwow. I sweated there for more than most of our time visiting...as Sun set, the temperatures dropped plenty. Watching Mr. Miller playing guitar, flute and vocals across from a large camp fire was transporting. No. Don't think I'll forget that day or evening.

Sunday, was confined to house and really had to push to participate in a family Re-Do of our garage. For the most part I sat and observed, "supervised" as my youngest declares. And yes, I sat my large frame down and picked through boxes of years of family memories. Toys, photographs, the girls school related stuff's from when they were younger...seems like it was only yester-year. We found a couple of time capsules which were enjoyable and maybe bitter sweet too. And have prepared an area for me to look through and figure thumbs up or thumbs down on the remainder of odds-n-ends...simple tasks and can do as I am able while sitting. Nice. No, really. Tasks that keep my hands busy, keep mind busy too.

On Sunday evening while listening, and absorbing what one was sharing with me on a Spiritual and Mystic level, I felt myself become overwhelmed with extreme nausea, perspiration and dizziness. At the time I thought there were visions and messages. Never did share what it was with the caller and had not suspected an attack until today...feeling quite certain this was some sort of abnormal vertigo attack that evening. All I could do was stay on the phone, not talk much, look up at the ceiling...listening and going through these mad changes. Which went on about 30 minutes then I was off to bed as soon as I knew it just had to be. Have been asleep for the most part since then. Today being Tuesday, 8 March 2011.

Today the sounds have been shitty and loud. The nausea at this moment is high and the dizziness assists the nausea and perspiration. Have taken my p.m. pills/medications. My right ear continues to plop and my left ear is with discomfort.

Now, off to rejoin Crazy Horse, Sitting Bull and Red Cloud...then off to Dream World.

Father, Bless me with a strong tomorrow, please. Step by step, envelope by envelope...I so love it when I have a Good Pony under my bottom and love it like crazy when I have a Fast Zebra!!

Then Wednesday Came...

The weather is so pleasent all the windows and doors are open...just a few puffy white clouds and blue clear sky. It's 74 degrees in the house. Cool.

Saying good-bye has never been a plus thing for me. I'm the sad and blue sort who crys at funerals, does'nt matter who's in the casket...I cry at T.V. commercials, T.V. shows - I would swear that "Build A New House", is made just to make folks boo-hoo, I do. The type who cries at certain songs, especially those damned country songs I love so damn much! I cry at the reuion of military folks and their Relations...I cry when Taps is played and with our National Anthem. I cry at good-byes. It's the truth...have always cried at good-byes...

I have cried today. I have laughed today. I have lived a life today.

Should Great Spirit, call my name, then let me go. Today would be a wonderful day to die...as it has been a brilliant day to be alive.

My Deaf left ear aches today and I am listening to trucks roaring by. As if on a highway...18 wheelers doing the too fast too furious in my Deaf left ear hole! My right-good-bad-ear plops...have noticed this affects my balance good and shitty like sometimes. I have not yet slept today. Have been staying as busy as possible to keep from letting the exhaustion catch up to me.

Have nausea bad and have had vomit twice. The dizziness at this moment seems easy...as if tipsy. Not drunk, just tipsy dizzy. Episodes of dizziness are way too common in my day-to-day...I medicate when it gets really bad. Sometimes, I try to man-it-up.

Oh yes! The sensation of having a large worm between my skull and the flesh on the left side of my skull is back and squirming aplenty. The "Door Bell" is back too. Pain.

Have completed the book "The Day The World Ended At Little Big Horn, a lakota history, written by Mr. Joseph M. Marshall III. In one word, this book was brilliant! I was able to learn more and very truly enjoyed the read. I am now reading "The Killing Of Crazy Horse". This one thus far has been pretty damned good reading.

My heart hurts for this good-bye, but good-bye it is.

In the mean time, I'll walk this way on this Path of mine.

Tuesday Morning

Plenty of rain and grey skies out...looks same-same out of doors as I feel under my dome. The house telephone was down for a while even.

Had to meet Dr. Psyche via telephone due to transport issues...not the first time for either, but all in all, my nerves were calmed to hear his voice. Something was different about our talk today though. Not sure what it was. Yet. I'll process the talk and self-analyze...have little doubt I won't figure it out sooner than later.

There is a new obnoxious noise to share from this meniere's disease...at this moment and for the past hour and one half, I have heard what sounds like one dozen rubbish trucks in reverse. As in making that beep-beep-beeping sound to warn others of danger when backing up. These are so freaking loud! It is much more than distracting - so distracting, distracting is far from what I really want to say...I just can't find the word. I can't rest. I can't concentrate, can't read...

...I am nauseated at a 9 - I want to throw up, dizziness is an eight and am sweating bad. Am exhausted. The plopping in my right ear continues as does coordination and balance issues. Think it best I go lay down a spell...even if it is to listen to these rubbish trucks at work between my ears.

If there were ear plugs to use from the inside out. I would approve of it's use...that is, of course, should such be approved by my insurance company.

I mean, really?

WTF is one to do?