Relations,
Welcome.
Tonight, I wish to communicate with my quests from the point of view of the patient. The someone who has had to live, and is living with this bull shit Meniere's Disease. The diseases encyclopedia of symptoms, their consequences, and how it is that despite being affected and the effect's, the writer, this person known as I, who happens to be at the very end of a fragile set of nerves. Yet, it seems it is my business and with urgency to splice these loose nerves back together and keep on keeping on. Kinfolk, I just must move along. Yes, I know damned well that I have been diagnosed by a team of medical professionals, with their second and third opinion's, who are also on the "what to do now?" situation and scene I inhabit. I am also aware, having said such, that there are many who visit here to read, learn and empathize with a fellow who suffers with the same, perhaps similar symptoms as you, or a member of your family or friends. A neighbor or co-worker even. Please understand that I speak only on how Meniere's has effected and affects me.
This entire me, the all my being, and this Spirit, dwelling within is here but for a brief while. I know this by experience. The Knowing, which inhabits both my life and Dream World, makes solid the foundation on which I establish or not, the Path on which I walk and travel. I haven't snapped from the pressures of my day-to-day, I promise. I work hard on maintaining a right proper exterior, while within there are thoughts traveling faster than I can relate. I know what I mean, I hope you do too. Seen, there is soon to be an overwhelming state of depression, I am at present at a difficult state of depression. The gloom that has surrounded me, which has taken a hold of me by my neck is relentless. There are dark and troublesome pieces of memories that strike at me as in ambush. Flashbacks strike randomly and I am constantly reminded that I am an individual, a one fellow human who has had some truly ugly stuff happen to in life. From the rapes I survived as a child, the incest and sexual abuse that went on for far too many years. Look, I acknowledge and am aware many fellow humans have it worse than I. I know this. And often, I let these things trouble me so that my prayers are directed elsewhere.
Tonight is an expression of what is my whole kit and caboodle is about with this Meniere's. I am here and this is the going's of a person who is encapsulated by the illnesses and diseases that are dwelling within my body.
What I say, is what I mean. Seen. I seldom censor, edit or refrain from saying what I say. I have from the beginning of this Blog, communicated in such a way that is open, plain simple and it is my plan is to continue to do so. When I say I Love You, I mean that I Love You. When and if I pepper my language, it is because at that moment, I damned want to. I convey my messages from a place deeper than one half of my brains, the words I talk are deeper than my heart, and is an awesome energy that I often refer to as my Spirit's. What a reader reads is truth. I will not lie, nor will I play with the emotions of others, as this is one of the worse energies one might perpetuate. Kindred, there is no damned reason on Mother Earth, to play with mine, so please know I will not play with yours. There's no damned reason to.
Today is 05 July, and my Eldest returns from a place far and further away. I miss my child and I know her mom and sister can not wait to greet her at the air port. Neither can I. My tiny baby.
I have slept for an extraordinary amount of time these past three weeks and the hours I did not keep, there isn't much need in counting them anymore. Not when the Meniere's strikes and the gloom has me down hard. The best thing for me to do is release the wheel and just sleep.
The sounds in my ears have been deaf defying. I can say that because I am Single Side Deaf, and there is this new series of loud beeps come into my ear hole and life. My Good God, it sounds something like this; Beep. Tick, tick, tick, Beeeep. Beep. Tick, tick, tick, beeeeep, over and over for six hours on this Monday past. Even took a sleep for twenty minutes, and woke to same beeping and what was more a tisk, tisk, tisk, that kept right on keeping on. This is maddening and it is a way of my life to have these maddening sounds and noises every damned day of it. At this very moment, it sounds like I am listening to two different Eco systems in my ears. On the left is a pasture with crickets and cicadas blaring their fucking heads off and on the right good bad ear hole to the brains, I am listening to Tarzan's jungle. Yes, right now. Listen.
The dizziness has been intoxicating, my head in a constant state of spinning. I have had to use walls, furniture and my quad cane to navigate the lodge today, my steps and balance are forced and walked with as much purpose here. Yesterday I fell in our second bath. Head first into the wall, then falling to the floor. Yes, it hurt and I almost screamed out of fright, but kept my manhood quiet. It is one of the most horrifying things to have happen. Shit, I hate falling.
Sweat is on my head, chest, shoulder's, neck and back. The air condition is on 74 F. and I sit here tip-tapping and sweating as if I was in the screened in. No, it doesn't make sense, but what can I do but sit and sweat.
I vomited in my mouth earlier today. I've taught myself how to keep this from family, though sometimes I just can't. When this came up I thought there was going to be projectile vomit, but the vomit stopped at my mouth and I had to swallow. This fucking nausea has taken my deep throat hostage. I say deep because I feel the clump of vomit in the upper part of my chest. Not because I have a deep throat for recreation. Seen. The vomit is in the lower throat chamber.
Dreadful inner ear spasms continue, as do the facial spasms. The pain clusters strike.
Oh, My Dear Great One! I have slept so too much! Please, I pray, Great One, please awaken the Warrior within! Then we will shake my pony from its slumber and take to the trails and getting some activity into my life. Amen. Now, back to bed.
Is it any wonder? Enough said then.
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