Happy New Year!

A heart-felt wish to one and all for a healthy, safe and Happy New Year!!

A New Year with strength of being and peace-in-heart...

...one with much love, for one and all Relations.

peace,
Mario

If I Could, I would Still Scream, Let Me Bleed!

My Relations and Fellow Survivors, I wish to convey the conversation has taken place. Prior to hospitalization and prior to Christmas, as I was asked by my Stewie.

The talk has been made.

This is not a treaty! There is no treaty!

This is a stern and steadfast boundary that has been established to take care of me and the One's inside. Forever...

...there will be NO MORE of those converstions! There will be NO MORE attempts to manipulate, perpetuate, or perpetrate sexual advances! NO MORE talks of his sexual desires! NOT ANOTHER WORD of ANYTHING related to SEX!

Forever Never again!

He has been made aware that even one word of this forbidding speech is Forever Forbidden from mein ear...if this should ever be betrayed, my Voice will carry the Words of many years and will fall like rain onto them near and afar...

...I will not be betrayed again. If I knew this task would have been so easy to communicate - the talk would have taken place long ago. Now I know.

This has been a piece of luggage for way too long...also, the dark cloud that loomed over-head for such a very long time is being evaporated as I share every word and promise.

I promise to keep my word. I expect the same of him.

Walking my Path with much less luggage...

My Primary , The Laboratory and My Sister

Visited with the primary care physician today. Arrived at a wee bit past 10:00, my appointment being 10:30.

It was necessary I visit the laboratory for blood works once I met with She-Who-Is-My-Medicine-Woman. This is where I was very politely treated as a laboratory experiment. I was pricked, picked at, slapped and probed for so long, all I could do was sit there and endure...one solitary tear slipped down from my right eye and was asked by He-The-Marine, if I was okay...

...I was not in a good place, so, no, I was not okay nor in a happy place. The place I have been in, has made me numb to very much...the multipule stabs and steel versus flesh wounds were but an inconvenience. I think I was disappointed from the lack of phsyical pain, actually.

The health of my lungs remain compromised and breathing remains a task. I have been placed on new "anti" medication, this being an anti-biotic. Also, will be eating pearls for the cough and will continue with breathing treatments and other such medications prescribed for respiratory issues.

By the time all tests were done and converstions were had, it was this side of 1300. I don't give a truck full, that's bad timimg - damn near poor timing from any patient point of view. I suspect.

My sister Maria, who just a few days ago said we would spend the day together, could not have expected those words to become so true. Bless her heart...thanks for hangin' in there ole girl, thanks for playing taxi and thanks for the company. Sure came in handy today.

The meniere's has acted a fool today with the continuation of swamp like ambiance and the beep-beep-beeping of a satalite crossing over-head...sometimes sounds too much like Morris Code. My balance and coordination was way off, which requires an added purpose to each step.

The learning curve for me and life is off the chain...

For All Relations, I wish you a very happy and healthy New Year. I look ahead and forward to the New Year. My Path beckons me to continue walking with chin up...I am compelled. Life...

Falling In Hospital

Falling in hospital was no less terrifying than falling...

...on the parking lot at my Coffee House...

...or pool side out back - when I fought gravity to keep from falling into the pool...

...no less terrifying than when I have fallen in various places in my home...

...like falling forward into my Bath Room sink. Or falling forward from the commode.

No matter when or how or why, the everytime I fell or have fallen, it has been utterly terrifying.

The huge negative in hospital is to become a statistic and gain yet another label, "Fall Risk". With "Fall Risk" rules and don'ts and do's and a Bright Yellow Fall Risk sticker on my hospital bracelet...and two yellow "Fall Risk" magnets on my door and hospital issued yellow socks...

What a spectacle. Just going to get chilled water - went to make a left turn and I felt as if an imaginary rug was swiftly yanked from under foot...all happened with a blink of an eye. Like, I get knocked down again and I get up again.

And again...

...my Path..

Meniere's and Respiratory Distress + Emotional Melt Down = Life?

Season's Greeting's to all...

One week ago today, the 20th of December 2010, my bride took me to the emergency department at our local hospital. It was during this visit I was informed that I had pneumonia and was admitted as an in-patient straight away. Please know and trust that with the exception of the horrors of not being able to breath some symptoms ran parallel with meniere's.

While in hospital, I was provided with a new diagnonis, that of a Suger Diabetic. This is the disease I observed destroy my dear Mom and the one eating away at my bride...it seems cruel in my mind and Spirit's, that I too should be blessed with same - same. Shit! Such a bleeding additional diagnosis! I mean, I think I would have perfered to have had my 'nad's removed than have this piece of dung diagnosis placed on my Medical Records. Shit!

In the morrow, my primary doctor and I will formulate an attack and a plan of action to assist me with this transistion. I am not at all happy about this...perhaps I read the writing on the wall long ago...perhaps my intution whispered this many seasons ago, but I be damned if I ever thought this day would come.

My breathing remains laboured. I follow directions and take these medications as directed...yet, my chest feels hollow and am unable to inhale a great big breath which is so frustrating because all I want to do is breathe...

Meniere's has been a very disgusting and unpleasent passenger the past week. I took a fall while in hospital. My dear nurses swarmed me within moments. What dear nurses I was Blessed with. I was not at all damaged or hurt, although, all that was damaged was/is my pride as a man...a survivor...the warrior?

The sub-lingual anti-this-or-that created such pain in my neck and rendered my neck stiff...as in having to move the whole upper body to turn to the left or right. Also, subjected me to the continuation of unrinary control issues. I swear to my beaten and battered heart that my Mental Health Care team must make proper adjustments. Oh, My Dear Lord, I know I must. Please!

I am feeling surrounded by gloom, doom, and death...Monday of last week got me to the door-way of death. I know this. I was there. Since then, I have had bad dreams and nightmares, panic attacks and bout's with the emotional melt downs. When all I can do to help is cry...it's Liquid Sunshine, remember?

Please, please, please, understand, I must not give in to this bleak and self-punishing thought process...I've got to keep pushing and Walking My Path, with my chin dragging on my Turkish tiled home...tears and crying take my breath away...Oh, what, oh what, is really going on down this Path of mine...

New Medication, Part II and Therapy

Did in fact meet with my therapist Sir Dude, this morning...an incredible gathering and visit. Sir Dude, was prepared and engaged interesting conversation. I was a mess, but, was able to vent and really have a good talk. His face to my face and eye to eye, was able to explain how it is in fact a part of my therapy, to speak of, discuss and talk of the sexual abuse being perpitrated against me in this most rescent past. It is in fact of my patient history, en'it? I believe he agreed. Today's visit...Sir Dude, Grade A and I, Grade D. Um, shit, I've got to get ahold of myself! The bloody crying and raising of voices. Oh, and, I feel as if I let my Sir Dude, a part of my Mental Health Care Team down today...

Met with Dr. Psych, in the early afternoon. Dr. Psych's staff was able to coordinate this face to face today...we agreed yesterday that it was to my best interest to have a "face to face" and not a Via Tele. Doc. took me off Pill-with-Sick-Side-Effects and has taken me on a different route with another type and form of a not-a-pill. Yes, it is an antipsychotic drug and I began the process tonight. Dr. Psych and I had a bit longer than usual talk. I can not say I left there feeling better today, yet am able to say, when I left, my shoes fit me quite differently...which, on my Path, is a good thing. Dr. Psych, A and I a C-. Yes, I feel as if I have let this team mate down too. I put myself in the position to tell the truth about the strong desire to hurt and punish my self.

It's just been one of those days...

Today, I was put in the position where I was unable to rest and sleep off these post vertigo attack symptoms...I am completly exhausted, I ache and am sore, dizzy, nauseated and am about to go to sleep and dream land. I prepare for rest...and very much look forward to it.

On a curious note, I have not visited the rest room today. So I have no report on that subject. Maybe tomorrow?

...one step at a time...I walk the Path...

Meniere's Disease, Symptoms of...Being An Anomaly

This plate over flowing with perpetual shit before me has brought me to my knees...I simply do not know how much more I can endure. It's come this far - it's gone to far.

There are no doubts and way too many clues that lead me to know and believe strongly I had a vertigo attack on the yesterday, sometime rightly after 15:00...the duration of the vertigo lasted approximately 15 minutes. This occurred while sitting and reading. The dizziness post attack was sickening and created nausea so powerful my throat is extemely sore today. Which compounds an already painful and affected throat. The swelling in my right ear and sounds of locomotives in my back yard...I sweated so bad, there were drops of perspiration dripping from the curls on the back of my head. On the verge of fainting, it was necessary I lay down a few minutes to capture the me that was on the verge of madness. Eventually, I had to go bed...my body and innards sore and pained...to sleep.

I awoke late this afternoon and expect I shall be back to bed within the hour or two. For a return to Dream World...feel safer in Dream World. Even though this is where I'm at my most vulnerable, which is due to the Deafness and being Hard of Hearing, I am a sitting/laying duck. Alas, I believe, I would rather be asleep than awake...left to deal with meniere's symptoms and the madness from whence it came.

Prior to going any further, it is a right and proper thing to share this: I have had numerous side effects from the uber drug/antipsychotic that will remain unnamed. Dr. Psych, discontinued it this afternoon. I assure you, if other folks requiring this medication have same side effects as I, there are or will be issues.

The side effects I have experianced and am experiancing are a shrinking and painful throat that even when drinking water has pain, the dizziness from this medication compounded with the dizziness from meniere's is dreadful and confusing. THE VOICES and HOWLING OF WOLF continues. I have continued to have bouts with crying - I mean bad sobbing and uncontroled crying, crying. Today I passed a green movement - which in my mind sends red flags popping up everywhere and no, no spinich or greens or three pounds of salad. JUST out-of-the-blue, I pass green dung. This is simply wrong.

I visit Sir Dude in the morning and shall have a visit with Dr. Psych, in the afternoon...

My Crystal Ball says that sometime soon, I don't know when, but soon, I will be placed in hospital. Or maybe a place hospital like. I don't know. I am just saying...

Yeah, just saying...

If I Could, I Would! I Would Scream Let Me Bleed!

If I could, I would turn back the hands of time and this time scream aloud the names of those who sexually abused me, raped and tortured the me that was an innocent. I would not shut up or shut in.

If I could, I would scream aloud the name of he who is attempting to molest the grown me!! He, who has exposed himself and masterbated to climax in my company...he who has grabed ahold of his clothed erect penis "to show me his arousal", with my family other room or my back yard away.

If I may, I share this because my therapist, Sir Dude, informs me as last visit that what I/him/we are going through with the Meniere's Disease, the therapies, the medications atop medications on top of medications...the crying, the desire to bleed and cut and cut to bleed ENOUGH...or the yearning to burn my flesh has nothing to do with "the" sexual abuse.

Well, and please understand I use every fiber of my body to refrain from the use of profane language, BUT!!

If I could, I would scream and cry at him, my Sir Dude, that he is MIGHTY incorrect! Just mighty wrong...yes, this may not have anything to do with the sexual abuse I suffered as a wee child, adolescent or young adult...and NO, this REALLY DOES NOT have anything to do with MENIERE'S DISEASE! BUT, Sir Dude, there sure is a whole truck load of HOT COW DUNG, that it is not needed while I am at war with this meniere's disease and its manifestations of illness', depressions, falls, infections, injections, medications, surgery's and maddness...associated with disease meniere's. True...true.

But, if I could, I would tell you Sir, YES! There is an awful lot about what's going on between my ears that does come from sexual abuse. YES! YES! YES, SIR! I am a 51 year old adult, husband and father, who is being ABUSED AND SEXUALLY PERPITRATED AGAINST BY ANOTHER MAN! A person of/with authority...a man with cunnuing and a manipulating nature. A supposed trusted one...one who has made attempts in the past and now most recently, more frequently in word and indeed actions. NO, SIR DUDE, there was NO SEX as in actual contsensual sexual activity...there was no contact.

BUT! THESE ARE/WAS/WERE ACTS AND INCIDENTS OF SEXUAL ABUSE!

So, yes, Sir Dude, some of this Mental Health Care, business that you, Dr. Psych, and I, are dealing with, does in fact, happen to include the issues and consequences of being one who has been Sexually Abused...as that wee little boy, as that handsome young teen, as a young adult trying to figure "am I Gay or am I straight"...And NOW! AS IN THE NOW! PRESENTLY as a middle aged fellow suffering with the Meniere's Disease we speak of.

I have survived Sexual Abuse throughout my days here on Earth Mother. My plan is to continue fighting the war against meniere's and I will steadfastly continue to fight the issues and consequences of being a SURVIVOR of Sexual Abuse...

...and now, since I can, I will once again say, I walk my Path with peace and an earnest desire to live...and walk this Path, one step, one breath, one tear at a time.

p.s. Just don't ask me. I just won't tell. Yes, I know. I just won't.

Somethings I know...

I may be sad and depressed. That's late news, I'm already knowing this and am working on it with gusto! Somethings I know, are I don't need to be ridiculed or mocked with YOUR ignorance's or opioion's based on YOUR non-qualified approach to dealing with these issues.

I may be sick and I may be ill, and yes, I am having to deal with some really ridiculous and life altering shit, what with the disease meniere's, with the dizziness, puking, vertigo attacks, sweating, pill-after-pill-after-pill, the foiken falls...I can't drive, can't ride a trike, can't go out-side UNSUPERVISED, can't go in the pool UNSPERVISED!! But, somethings I know are...

...I'm not stupied. Niether is He-Who-Touched-My-Brain and his staff, Sir Dude, my therapist, Dr. Psych aka He-Who's-Learning-My Mind and his staff and neither is She-Who-Is-My-Doctor and her staff.

What YOU need to do, is familiarize YOURSELF with what it is that is going on in my mind, body and Spirit's. YOU need to read up on what it is my MIND, BODY, and SPIRIT's are REALLY going through before YOU pass YOUR ill informed attitudes and proclaim YOUR ignorances as a reality...

YOUR ignorance may be YOUR bliss, but let me deal with this disease and these disorders with MY family and MY well trained and caring professionals who DO what it is THEY must DO to make ME better. My skull and everything it contains are well taken care of.

Some things I know...

...and NO, I WILL NEVER GIVE UP!! I may be going through some rather ugly SHIT right now, but PLEASE, work with ME - not against ME. These are MY hope and dreams.

Something I do know, is that I walk with my face forward...walking in Grace and holding tightly to every prayer and hope I have...One step at a time, I walk my Path.

Crying and Knowing...it's getting kind of hectic...

To put things into total perspective, I am a breathe away...

I have begun my new anti-medication tonight. Time will tell.

What took place here in my safe place tonight, places me in a position to push myself that much more...

...I will not be told by anyone ONE/PERSON to give up and accept that I am handicapped and will not add up to anything. That I must accept I will not get better...that I will NEVER be able to return to work. That no matter how much I hope, wish or pray - I will NEVER be able to do what I must do as fuctional man and citizen in/of my community.

I've NEVER FUCKEN quit!!! Not since childhood!!! I mean really!!! I have fought this stupied ass disease for three years and have not given up hope!! I am a survivor!! I am a Warrior!! I push forward and push forward everyday!! That's what keeps me going!!! My HOPE, my FAITH, my PRAYERS, are what keep me GOING!!! My BELIEF in my GREAT SPIRIT!!! I can not give up!!...to become a statistic, a number, another SS #!! I can not entertain the concept of my being a goverment kid/man...as if I were to be relegated to a reservastion for people with these types of handicap. Get my little pay and get my little medications and live a little life...

Plase, JUST DON"T PUT me with the other mutes, gimps, deaf, dumb, blind folks that YOU SAY I AM!!!. Please, just don't!!!

Wishing I could run on My Path!!!
Mario

p.s. It is hectic and crucial. I am not knowing right now where to take the next step! I'll begin by taking the next one...

New Medication!

Visited with Dr. Psych, aka, He Who's Learning My Mind, this afternoon.

My Crystal Ball was correct about the change in medications. One anti-pill was removed and another added. Although, this new tab does take us to a different approach in the direction of improving mind and body. Another "level", as my Dr. Psych, informs. This is it. There wasn't any talks or compromise...even comes with a whole new bunch of side affects. Excuse, should I come across way too excited about this, while I continue to deal and wrap my skull about the concept. Pardon me please for the giddiness, I am dizzy and am off balance. I want to vomit...oh, and please excuse me for omitting names of medications...just want to keep it like this...

...for now.

For now, I've said all I want to say...Walking My Path...one step at a time. One moment at a time.

My Special Place

Had a strong and good talk with Sir Dude, my therapist, this afternoon.
Really did seem as if it had been a couple/three weeks since I say him last. It had been one week, but damned sure felt like too long a stretch.

Tomorrow afternoon I have the fortunate opportunity to gather with He Who's Learning My Mind. His wonderful staff were so caring and accommodating, getting me in on such quick notice. I am so thankful and saying I am eager is an understatement...

I will get to the morrow, then. For now I am in a special place. My safe place...where I've gone to regroup after a day of too many tears and have cried to too many folks. Although in many ways - a place where I feel as if something was really accomplished today. It is true, Sir Dude and I went at it heavy for a spell! This afternoon, Therapist A- and I, a C. I arrived to my appointment tardy. Then, there were so much communicated in such a span of what felt like moments, that it was like the ping pong balls in the Lotto...jumping and popping about. One emotion to another, thought and words exchanged with the charge of these emotions of Spirits, dwelling within my core. Realized during session how much I miss running and my walk abouts...I think this is the ache and weight I feel in the center of my chest. Have wondered respiratory or illness? Stress? Sadness? I don't know. Thus, the C.

Yes, satisfactory, but am not happy with satisfactory. It's like being average. The average Zebra is sooner or later going to get his average running ass bit by a Lion in chase...might not get killed and eaten by the Lion, but I do have pieces and bits of my ass biten off every once and again.

Oh Great Spirit! I walk this Path looking forward...to my special place.

If I Could Just Get A Grip

Each time I rose from bed this morning I have shed tears...once at 07:20 when my dearest bride left for work and then at 09:58...it's been nearly an hour since and I sense more are around the bend.

I too should be driving to work in this cold and ice...headed to my Coffee House for warmth, comfort and a right good days pay. "Take care of each other while we take care of our customers", was one of my favorite expressions to share with my young "co-workers".

Folks, tend to talk too much when the time is at the worst. As in these difficult times I live. Them who make names and treat me less of a man because my emotions are exposed, make matters worse. Am I weak? Am I too vulnerable? Damn, I've tried. But, I'm just not that strong. Damn my mind. Damn these ears of mine...

This entire process named meniere's works very much more than the physical aspects of a persons life...it digs in deep and engages me still into wishing this was all a dream. Just a dream...seems like it's still a dream sometimes...a bad and sad never-ending dream.

If I could just get a grip...

If I could just get a grip, I would ask the folks who are amused by this illness to please leave me alone. Ask or TELL them enough with the jokes and laughter and name calling. What is going on inward my skull is a reality. This is not a folken joke.

I am on the verge of vomitting and have nothing in my stomach. I am dizzy and the sweat around my neck is not imaginary. I want to go back to sleep but I await an appointment with Sir Dude...we need to talk.

Some folks never learn.

I hear dead people...Voices and Such

Is what I probably should've titled my last communique...them, the voices here with me who have crossed before me...who speak to me in both my deaf and right-good-bad-ear. And now, today, the howling of wolves and coyetes...they've moved in and now hear,(as I meant to spell it) to listen to all the day...the 7th day of December 2010. I have listened to them closely and am saddened by their crys. So I have cryed with them. As I listen to them who speak to me - I shall listen to the sounds of my kindred four-legged cousins...

...my kindred sound harmed, are betrayed and beaten, while trying to change and adjust to a whole new world of change...folks, are not getting it. I just suspect such...

...Lord, knows how my Spirits, mind, heart and the all of my being is beaten and wearing. Warring. It's more than a feeling that folks are truly not getting the maddness brewing between mine ears.

Nausea is sky high this afternoon. The dizzy spell has it's grips about my size 8 skull. At the moment I perspire in cool surroundings. Wait. It's actually quite cold considering I'm a Florida boy...and I sit here perspiring and crying in cool room. Is it for my kindred or is it for me and my voices. I think I know...

The desire to brand increases...I want to smell the familiar scent of my flesh burning and listen to the pops of my skin as the brand is pressed atop the last brand. The Sign of The Fish...don't ask. Please, just don't ask me what it was...

There's so much aflutter...so I'm listening to my Stevie Nicks, singing to me and trying her best at enchanting my Spirits...aflutter? Yes.

Lord, knows...

p.s. For the first time, yesterday I was called a Mute. No. I don't know yet.

Meniere's Disease, Symptoms of...The Sounds Part IV

I state, The Sounds Part IV, as the title because I did not want to say or type something to do about hearing voices straight away. I have become hesitant in even speaking or to talk about a symptom that grows more and more difficult for me to deal with. I am hearing voices more often...the verbiage is becoming clearer...um, BUT!, I am alone when listening to these voices. Yes, si, ya!! I've been told that "some" patients with meniere's experiance this symptom post sugeries,procedures,injections, etc. This is no damn comfort for me right now damnit.

I suspect there might have been a mention early on in my blogging about hearing voices. It's not something I want to howl about on a mega-horn or send out notices like, "ALERT: I Am Hearing Voices!"!! But I know this is not right and not cool in the slightest bit. Yes, this is something I will be getting with my Mental Health Care Team, about first thing Monday. I am scheduled to visit with Sir Dude, and with that there is no doubt a call or calls will be made to the one who referred me to Sir Dude.

As I began to prepare for a shower in the West side of our lodge earlier, I clear as the night was dark, heard voices in my bed room. I was totally alone, clear minded - free of stimulants of any form...AND had another utter words into my very being...

...there's not much more to say about that. It happened earlier this evening, it has occured in the past on numerous occasions, and I expect future plans have been prepared unbeknownst to me.

So, this is getting hectic.

Back-back in the day I was associated with an organization out of Chicago, that was called V.O.I.C.E.S., Victims Of Incest Can Emerge Survivors...wow, that was like back in the late 1980's. Reckon I have been on this path a bit longer than I've given myself credit for. But, then, that sounds like...


As a quick side note...Brenda and I, had not been awake forty-five minutes this morning when I had my frist cry...yes, I cried over a cup of Cafe con Leche, Brenda's great Cuban Coffee with Hot Milk, en la casa style. All through the day, I consider maybe one half dozen episodes of crying... I've never kept track, never thought to. So I don't know.


Purchased tennis balls for Da Walker yesterday! Neon day-glow white, pink and yellow. Yes Ma'am, yes, these are like...

...now, That right there is a dude walk and rolling his Path...one step one damn voice at a time!

Crying in my Coffee

The loneliness of someone who is accustomed to Center Stage creates a void, heart ache and a loss that is difficult to express when it is lost. Like when the lights are turned off...and the volume of life's sound track is very truly and permanently turned down...sometimes to total silence.

I miss my Coffee Company. I miss my coffee...I miss my "co-workers"...I sit hear now crying over a cup of damned coffee...Oh, how I miss Center Stage!

For me this was the only life I'd known for years...my passion, my being the Center Stage, "OUR" Team being Center Stage, my joy was to work with this fabulous company...with these fantastic folks. I loved what I was doing in life and our customers, our "co-worker's", and our upper management sure had wonderful times along with our teams Oh, good-goodness, our customers enjoyed the atmosphere created for them by a group of folks that really cared about each other...some to become friends for life. Some to fall in love with each other...our Employee number was important to many of us because, for those who had been around a spell, we were able to determine how long one had been with OUR company. OUR customers let us know their approval for what we did for them...we made them one cup of coffee at a time...one customer at a time. Oh, My Dear God, knows the mourning continues. I still have not been able to wrap the concept of being released from my company via three way converstion. I cried like a slobbering idiot on that day for sure...I mean really? Release a person on a mdeical leave?

It's odd how I think back now, to the years building up to the diagnosis of meniere's disease...the tell-tale signs and symptoms of illness...the surgeries, the hospitalizations, pushing and pushing the enevelope to such a point that I was carried out of my store on an ambulance stretcher one afternnon. Because I did NOT know when to stop PUSHING!

Operations, surgeries, medications and went back to work. To soon! I'm told...Surgeries, operations, meds, meds, I went back to work - have a fall, come back to soon! Go back to excile!

November makes one year I lost balance and hearing on left side. The hearing in my right-good-bad-ear, continues to decrease. I have no balance system on my left, so my right attempts to compensate and often times over-compensates...of which, cause confusion, loss of coordination and balance, slips and falls. I walk with the aid of a walker. A two wheeled walker. I want to get some far out tennis balls for the legs in the back of walker. The front has wheels. It's a cool tool. It's an ugly sight, but a super tool.

There can be no blame for any of this. I keep telling myself. There's no blame mon! But I have this problem that it's my fucken disease and I made descions in this life's worth of blame, so it is I to blame. I say, was I listening? What did I miss?

Today was a frustrating day for me. Was unable to sleep off some of this vertigo attack most recent...drama, tears, frustration and more tears. Too much stress from outside that created issues inside. For roughly three hours of today I was engaged with high stressful topics. I tried to rest - I treid to disengage...then early this evening when I went to retire I began to have dreadful stomach issue and thus, resulted in exreme liquid BM. While nauseated...with-gag's, sweating, dizzy and crying. Sobbing. My babes across the lodge...so I cried alone. And cleaned my mess...

Got to go. My body, mind and spirit's request my return to slumber. Sleep it off - sleep it off!! My All Of Me, is exhausted...from the soles of my feet to the tips of my fingers, I ache. Sleep it off!

I may be in excile, I may be Home Bound, and I must be a hideous picture to look at...but dahlin's, I figure I'll be pushing the evelope named My Health, mighty good and proper.

Walkin' My Path, walker style...rollin' along.

And now for something completely different.....Good Night.

...crying...

Something I remember bringing up while with Sir Dude, was that my mind and body remembered how to cry silently...so that when crying happens while laying next to my bride, I will not awaken her from slumber...

I learned very early in life to silently cry...Liquid Sunshine by the cup full honeys, but, not a sound, nor an utter from the pain. There were too many times when things took for the worse if I sobbed or cryed aloud...so it came naturally.

Here I am in 2010 and my mind and body reminds me that I can silently cry...my eyes are puffy from crying today.

Think it best I get to my room and safe place. As there is too much ugly for me to stay awake any longer...

...sleeping along my Path...

The Sounds of a Ships Horn

Yesterday, I was able to spend time with Sir Dude...able to speak of somethings - unable to speak of other things. Feel as if my grade would be a C- for me. I have had a sense of incompletion of task and time...think we too much talked about medications...the anti-that and this anti-this truly troubles me. In my Crystal Ball, I see new meds with new directions and new side affects headed this way. Damnit. Medications are playing a role as important as the in-take of food and water in my day-to-day...too many medications, for one young as I. Just too many.

I/we did not talk enough of the problematic crying...

...or talk of the problemtic thoughts that accompany such bout's with crying. It's dark inside of a clear, blue, Fall sunny Florida day.

I was able to speak with Him From Far Away, yesterday. Had good talk and was pleased to have such a talk. Him From Far Away, has been by me through out the greater part of this disease meniere's. He has heard me through the all of this that has been. Processes scare me...Him From Far Away, is a branch of my Better Health Team. He has been with me through many a process...without his guidance, my family and I were doomed. He is a Good Spirited one...kindred. Yes. I am thankful for his knowledge and skills.

Sometime in the afternoon yesterday, I don't remember the time, I began to hear the sounds of a ship's horn out side my bedroom window. Them, one hears on giant cruise ships. These lasted for just about two hours and sounded something like this...HHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNKKKKKKKK!!!!! HHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNKKKK!! Over and over and over again. This cruise ship was parked in my back yard, you see, and blared the HHHHHHHHOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNKKKKKKKKKK!!! HHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNKKKKKKK!! Over and fucking over. My nausea was bad and productive. The dizzieness was dreadful and I sweated non-stop for some bit more than two hours. My body felt and feels at this moment as if I was a boxer with a record of 0 and 77. My entire body is sore and is pained. I am exhausted. This really sinks in that what I had was a vertigo attack yesterday...creeped under the radar I suspect.



It is neccessay I conclude by saying this...The Sounds of a Ships Horn gets mighty old - mighty quick!

Yes, I have eatten my medications as directed.

Today, I rest along side my Path...sleeping keeps my mind from thinking.

Greetings

Greetings and peace to our Earth Mother...from one who walks the path upright. I am very new at this so pardon me for errors in procedure, incorrect spelling, poor grammer, and the use of profanity every once and again. This is very simply a test. Will be back shortly...


p.s. This is one of those self-learned things...I had found an error, thinking it would remain where it was in the order of blog. It did not. Um?