Relations,
Let me share where I am with Meniere's Disease this morning, please. I don't feel as frantic as I did yesterday, though I do get this way whenever the fog settles in and into every crevice of both brains. Sometimes I get so wound up I do not know what to do with myself or my environment. I question myself on every matter in my life and am unsure whether this is a result of the Meniere's Disease, these pains that I consider Meniere's related, it is the neurological pains created due to multiple surgery's. Could it be these pains are from my cervical spine that reaches down into my neck, then down and around my shoulders and arms, sometimes to my wrists. I also contemplate, could all of this pain be the neurological pains that are due to skeletal issues. At this instant, my lower back pain is very low, so I do disregard my thoracic and lower lumbar spine.
There is a good case of nausea going on this morning with what feels like a cap mid way through my throat. I have taken all of my morning medicine and have had a small break fast with my sweet bride before she headed off to work. There are some times when my babe will take whatever hours she can as often as she can, as long as they do not conflict with my physical care. I accept that if it were not for me being sick, my dear would put in even more hours. Bless her heart, I feel and see the stress in my beautiful blue eyes. Even though we have found alternative ways to bridge the cap between us and our financial matters, we are still dealing with the concept of what we are doing with our lives at this time. Both she and I have worked since we were children, our parents did the same and our own children learned early in life to gain employment while young. As far as I am concerned, I still feel ashamed and am embarrassed that I am unable to contribute more to my family, our home, and our financial status. For that matter when we both held down our power jobs, there was no stress, or the only stress I may remember is that I hadn't saved enough to put a beautiful piece of Mother Earth, on mountain side aside for Botswana and I, and our future generations. So close we were, so very close, and then I become disabled with Meniere's Disease and Asthma, Neurological issues after issue and I witnessed my body began to close in on me and now, my body form is no longer the one I used to know, nor capable of putting out the work force I had just a short few years ago when I was a Manager with Starbucks Coffee Company and I so very much loved what it was I was employed to do for my company and most importantly of all, was the hard work we put into ensuring legendary service and product for our Legendary Customers. I was so close, so close I could smell the beans roasting in Seattle.
Then, everything changed.
Today, I carry this dizziness that feels as if it is resting in the forehead of my skull as it is very located right here in the front of my skull. I realize now that I could have in fact benefited from BOTOX injections in this area when I had procedure on 20 Feb. 2014. What can I do? I will do the best I can and push ahead while waiting for first of all our first procedure at Moffitt Cancer Center and then, the next BOTOX procedure come May with Dr. She-With-Many-Names. It is a scatter brained fog, an intoxicating brain fog, that has me feeling like a nut. I am stuttering my words and sometimes forgetting what it was I was doing two hours ago. My vision is malfunctioning and even with glasses on I strain to read and have noticed that I squint my left eye orb almost closed. But, do not know why and this just happens to be the eye that does not cry like my other eye. I am aware it is best that I slow the processes of my life down a degree or few as I am placing my wagon before the mules.
I know, I know it is best I remain as safe and as very aware of my boundaries and environment for my own sake and safety. My balance and equilibrium as well, off center, and really, having said that I knew when I woke earlier this morning, that today is a day to be walked with purpose and intention. I really don't want to fall or risk falling. I am home alone and I am a bit scared. For two consecutive nights I have double bashed my head on the rest room door that is in our large bed room. Night before was one incident of a dribble against the door. Last night was a dribble twice of my head bouncing against this wooden door and my thick skull.
My heart feels aflutter this morning. If someone were to ask me right at this moment, what procedures are you having come 17 April or earlier, I could not answer. I know that I will be put to rest and then a doctor will begin to do whatever he must do. I've met him, so I know I can say he. Again, I trust a doctor with my life. Again, my doctors are my leaders, they lead and I follow. By the way, I will get the name of this first procedure to be conducted at Moffitt. For you and I.
I believe I can run, I believe I can touch the Sun. I want to run like Mr. Gump, and run. And run.
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