Hello, and Greetings To All,
I have finally gotten to the point where I feel a yearning to reconnect with my Kindred Ones and Kin Folk here. It isn't that I have not wanted to send out a communique, it's that I have slept for roughly sixty hours in the past four and a half days. A possible record for me but I did not keep any minute detail of these past four days or so. I know very well I was able to have a visit with my daughter, a very dear friend and her son stopped by the lodge for a visit. I'm afraid there was a connection missed on that one, as Mama Dee never did have that talk with me, sure this is a topic of interest and is something that will be high importance on my follow up list.
There comes a point when and where I simply must get myself up from where I am in my skull. You know, the stuff, my innards, and all of the matter that is my brain. Sometimes there is so too much of a self critical that self critique. My God, I have been like this all of my life and even still have not figured out a way to bust threw these damned solid walls that separate me from my 'out there in life'. I know damned well that this is not the end of my life, and for this I am most thankful. the same thankfulness that I have in the very core of me that await this extraordinary surgical procedure at Moffitt come a quick five weeks or so. I am preparing self in mind and body and am very well aware of the legendary care I receive at Moffitt Cancer Center. I spoke with a young lady today, she was "She Who Speaks With Spring In Her Voice", and she is the person who is preparing my 'to-do-list' for the night prior to surgery. My labs will be done this weekend and the X-Rays sometime this week.
It is a jolly good damned thing that I have therapy next week. I can feel a pulling around within my skull, like a tug-of-war going on between both halves and chambers are going at it. These PAIN are getting to the point of often times complete unbearable mind bending pain. There is not a description I could borrow to these tear wrenching unnecessary pain! I have not enjoyed the spin-the-bottle with me as the bottle and which ever doctor I land on, passes me on to yet another doctor. I am in PAIN! I take the three medicines required, one for pain and two for anti muscle spasms. I am not in the position to cry too much more because I can surely see myself dieing from lack of breath. As if suffocating on my own breath, it is not life altering enough as it is, and shit, what horror to know what this feels like. So, damn it, I want the surgery to get here. Yes, please, just somebody help me with these pains stemming from neurological injury, or the neurological pains from my neck, cervical spine, my shoulders, sockets too, and my back all the way down to the lower back. I need help real soon. That or I think I'll end up in hospital for something else, and I am not inclined to share any of that at this time. For shits sake, I'm beat and I am exhausted.
The crossing of Meniere's Disease symptoms have made for a very difficult four point however many days I have slept/lived! The nausea has been so powerful that I have had active vomit with high nausea. I am sweating in a naturally cool house and have the sensations of having been stomped from skull to my toe knuckles. My entire pain suffers me, my dearest Kindred, all I am to do is keep living. I have a life to live and oh boy, there are such awesome things happening on this Family's parts and pieces. I am feeling and seeing change, the beginnings of forgiveness, love, natural reunions, and more love from so many I consider dearest of friends.
The dizziness as always, plays a roll in my day to day. I have not fallen in over a week but there have been much head bashing and wall walking as my balance is off today. Over the past few days, the natural compass was spinning like some silly late night T.V. show. No, the nausea does not occur because of dizziness or switched around it's the same sensations. Same Old Shit.
My Left Deaf Ear has been listening to a steady lower toned beep that is steady and repetitive - though slowly, which is sometimes more miserable than a quicker paced beeping. The calls of submarines navigating about in the vast oceans of my skull is intermittent with the beeps and those damned sonar ping's. I listen to the voices in the next room though no one's home but me, this type of Meniere's rubbish as gotten so bad that I am beginning to fear the night. And I love the night. My Right Good-Bad-Ear is listening to a constant tip-tapping of a type writer - a well experienced typist too. I share with you know my friends, that there are many times that I wish for quiet. Just some quiet please. My right ear has had some massive plops and pops over the past several weeks. Sometimes plopping so loud that it still scares the poop out of me. I mean, it is literally like a loud clap of the hand, and yes it startles, often times gives me a jolt.
I am through. I've said enough and I must get up for a few steps. I wish all peace and love.
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