Peace,
I have decided to hop on in here a spell and do just a bit of tip tapping. I have had such a strong day, the energy has rolled over into the night, and now the wee hours of our morning over here in North America. Not too long ago we gained a couple of extra hours of day light and I might suspect this has provided my step a bit of an extra pep. Nice. Peter, other than the same daily symptoms, issues, and the whatever that come with my Version 1.0, Meniere's throws at me, or whatever the damned level of pain may be, I sit here in my safe place this morning. It's 0330 and I have simply been so preoccupied with odds and ends, I have done a couple of silly tasks, like recycling, preparing items for donation and having fun preparing a new box for my eldest daughter, who lives in a land far and far away. I miss my baby. Every day of my life.
I had therapy with Sir Dude, this afternoon and consider our session a productive one. Yes, true, it was a productive face to face session, I simply suspect this one of those 'off the cuff' gatherings. Which is absolutely cleared by me, sometimes a nice no real agenda or direction session is like a water tubing down a nice cool country river. Mosey along and just have a good question and answer session. We also conducted a brief review of my medications and then it was time to scoot. We got right on in with the connection and conversations that we let go deep, deep enough time seemingly flashed before me. A 50 minute or so session felt like five minutes. Therapy, my therapist and working on the Mind and Emotional aspects of my Better Health Plan is just as urgent for me as the medication I eat daily for all and whatever it is I am dealing with today.
In my case, and I agree with this comment 100%, every aspect of my teams tie in with one and another, just like a proper run Team. A Better Ran Team? Please, understand this please, I think truly, the sight from this spot looks a bit brighter at this moment for me.
So I work it, as in I am keeping my mind busy and keeping the every energy strong, positive of realistically possible and yes, I am open to the prayers and love that has been sent my way. . And when I say or comment of strong days, these are days and times when I am able to participate in some simple Life's goings on that I used to take for granted, I mean I really took so much of my health for granted. I am here now, the Winter has become Spring, I open my heart and am open and dedicated to each, every and all allotted dates and times for every doctor appointment that I am scheduled for, and for those yet to come. I do my best to do my best to keep keeping on. Yes, Honorable One.
I learned that it is true and right to let go and let God take the wheel, but I've noticed in my shoes, I very truly have to keep a pinkie finger on it (irrational, I know). My God, takes care of me, My God, has blessed them who are my doctors, 'all' of their staff, and all associates that I may come into contact with while in any facility I am visiting for the whys and all the what ever.
I'm keeping real and it comes with a smile at this instant. Peace.
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Sunday, March 23, 2014
About Me And I, And I And I Am Who I Am
Kin Folk and Kindred,
Just a few words about me and I, and I and I am who I am.
Odd business how it is with my life's changes, it becomes a health business.
Seems to me, that what good health I ever had,
it too seemed to leave me, when my life was lived as a victim.
Then they play with me for years, then them stopped.
Then no wait! YES! I was sexually assaulted by an NCO when
I stationed with the 440th in Darmstadt. Which continued a cycle
of abuse/abuses of Male Dominance over me. Confusion. Say it!
I am afraid for the now - I am a member of our 440th Community.
I have dealt with the darkness of this incident, my fellow G.I.'s. For years.
Please, you all, don't through me out! This fool took advantage of me.
Then came Anorexia and Bulimia, for so many years, I lost
count of self branding, as if I were cattle. This was all about too so much of me.
About me and I, and I and I am who I am.
What I'm going to do and do over, is what ever to beat this -
Disease, Meniere's. Is it that I leave me in Dream World.
I can't tell. Is this really all a test? I just heard an old walkie-talkie
in my Left Deaf Ear. There's these random ass sounds that come with Meniere's.
Daily Audible Hallucinations, one person called it. Huh? Said that one time.
Shit, I've heard conversations and talks come back.
Which compounds the pains that dwell deep within my skeleton. Pain.
Which exacerbates my asthma, of which required an appointment last week.
And I am afraid that these two lungs and I may be hospital bound.
The loneliness of life. This medical and self imposed exile is hard to describe.
But I am familiar with this, I know such exile creates sadness that travels with it.
How odd a business this damned Meniere's Disease...
...damned sleep and slumber, pains between my muscles and my bones.
My and all of mine and I, say this, I'm going to work my ass off. Dizzy or not.
Honey, Odd business how it is with my life. Please let us work as one team. Please.
Please. I'm just some a simple PFC who was taken advantage of. To my Sisters there!
To All my Angels, My Arch Angels, My Saint's and My Lord Jesus, My God,
Thank You. I am Blessed and I know this. My two eye balls have seen much.
Seen.
Just a few words about me and I, and I and I am who I am.
Odd business how it is with my life's changes, it becomes a health business.
Seems to me, that what good health I ever had,
it too seemed to leave me, when my life was lived as a victim.
Then they play with me for years, then them stopped.
Then no wait! YES! I was sexually assaulted by an NCO when
I stationed with the 440th in Darmstadt. Which continued a cycle
of abuse/abuses of Male Dominance over me. Confusion. Say it!
I am afraid for the now - I am a member of our 440th Community.
I have dealt with the darkness of this incident, my fellow G.I.'s. For years.
Please, you all, don't through me out! This fool took advantage of me.
Then came Anorexia and Bulimia, for so many years, I lost
count of self branding, as if I were cattle. This was all about too so much of me.
About me and I, and I and I am who I am.
What I'm going to do and do over, is what ever to beat this -
Disease, Meniere's. Is it that I leave me in Dream World.
I can't tell. Is this really all a test? I just heard an old walkie-talkie
in my Left Deaf Ear. There's these random ass sounds that come with Meniere's.
Daily Audible Hallucinations, one person called it. Huh? Said that one time.
Shit, I've heard conversations and talks come back.
Which compounds the pains that dwell deep within my skeleton. Pain.
Which exacerbates my asthma, of which required an appointment last week.
And I am afraid that these two lungs and I may be hospital bound.
The loneliness of life. This medical and self imposed exile is hard to describe.
But I am familiar with this, I know such exile creates sadness that travels with it.
How odd a business this damned Meniere's Disease...
...damned sleep and slumber, pains between my muscles and my bones.
My and all of mine and I, say this, I'm going to work my ass off. Dizzy or not.
Honey, Odd business how it is with my life. Please let us work as one team. Please.
Please. I'm just some a simple PFC who was taken advantage of. To my Sisters there!
To All my Angels, My Arch Angels, My Saint's and My Lord Jesus, My God,
Thank You. I am Blessed and I know this. My two eye balls have seen much.
Seen.
There's No Judges Here, My Meniere's
Dearest Kin Folk and Kindred Ones,
Tonight, I just want to say real quick like, that sometimes I believe it best that I not say too much anymore about my medical treatment. Whether it be even the odds and ends of today's ill state of affairs, too many folks are quick on their draw and same folks have lost about lost what the true definition of true etiquette is. Yes, friends, I say some shitty stuff from time-to-time, but that must be some damned shitty stuff for me to be going through. There are times when I speculate I might should reconsider my direction with this very simple means of communicating with others about Meniere's Disease, and decided a couple of years ago that I would open up my Path to include who I am, where I am, where I've been, seen, and I share something as helpful of I can with love. I simply wish to share what is going on with my family and friends and what this disease and pain has done to me. And them. In some 'Groups', I have read too many were uncomfortable. There seems to be a society where there is a tense contest to see who can up one on another with a quickness. Let me share this real quickly. Seen. I am not in some silly ass contest to see who has a worst case scenario illness or case of Meniere's, or any of the other invisible disease, all are welcomed to my Post's and ALL are welcomed to this silly little blog called, Meniere's Disease, Mario's Path. There's no judges here and I sure enough do not wish to be judged, or made fun of, or any of that, that happens and is real. For shits sake, really, and there's so many Folks out here who pray for their worse case scenario. I can't understand this and that's not okay in my heart and Spirits. No, not okay, because, my brothers and sisters, I have seen what that worst case scenario looks like! I know how it affects the family to the core of Kinship. Please you all, take it all the contests with you. I don't require any more negativity on or near my Path, things have seemed to calm and settle a moment over this past week of much sleep. Kind One's, I am afraid I am just about threw with combating this damned Meniere's Disease and it's symptoms and the damned pains that have come from the Meniere's and Neurology.
NOTE: People are not just up and given the diagnosis "Meniere's Disease". As uncommon as it is, there seems to be a whole bunch of folks out there kicking it up about having "Meniere's Disease". Them and their text book talk about what Meniere's Disease is, very from the text, of a text book or and hit Meniere's Disease on Google and I promise that you'll come up with a whole heaping helping of bits and pieces about this invisible, life altering disease. One such disease without a cure, and a disease, my Kin Folk, that is determined and diagnosed scientifically addressed.
I am threw with ALL of this sickness. I am finished with being sick and seemingly unheard of. My body is in a dreadful damned state of pain every day of my life. Now, more than ever, a pain that lives with me twenty four hours a day. I don't understand why it is that I AM being kept from treatments, NOW, that could help this fellow Human out immediately?! Why must I wait for such a long period of time? I am confused in some societal ways and the negative thoughts that come from these observations and perpetuation. I, my Family and dearest of friends, simply wish to get all better. Please. By the way, there's really huge parts of my mind and heart where much debating take place, considering, over and over, just what it is I will be doing over the course of the next several weeks. The calendar of appointments weeks out are approaching a necessary hold on future appointments. My Mind is just as important in my Better Health, Mind and Body, that I figure this is but the tip of the ice berg for me. Or the top of it, which ever you would like to call this period approaching, some huge medicinal changes. These that I prepare to ram me full on, joining in with all of the illnesses that accompany me.
What am I to do or say anymore my friends? There's nothing for me to do but move along and keep this journey productive and encouraging as possible for me. There will be no more negative vibrations going on in my treatments anymore. They simply, fuck the process up, and no, I just don't want to deal with much more of those in my medical treatments. We as a Team will continue to work as fast and at a full speed ahead for my Team and I. And look, for me the fighting against the sleep and slumber hasn't been worth a damn lately because the sleep continues. I sleep as a way of life right now and I even have a diagnosis for it too, it's called Hyper-Somnia.
Kindred, all of you who are wishing to connect with some one who has Meniere's Disease, I welcome you. I have loved so many of my Guests and Readers. I reckon many are a look and see, but that's cool too. I simply wish to be out here. Out here and along with other of my life's Odds and Ends. I have been working with all of my doctors and my specialist for several years. Yes, I have my own ideas of what is going on within my foggy state of being, this desire to tip tap key-by-key to keep n touch with my dear ones.
This sleep and deep has had me by my Afro, has always been more of a Meniere's thing. It is a post attack or consequence or symptom, which ever you would like to call it, but yes, Meniere's attacks go hand and hand with me and my life.
Life.
I love to live!
Tonight, I just want to say real quick like, that sometimes I believe it best that I not say too much anymore about my medical treatment. Whether it be even the odds and ends of today's ill state of affairs, too many folks are quick on their draw and same folks have lost about lost what the true definition of true etiquette is. Yes, friends, I say some shitty stuff from time-to-time, but that must be some damned shitty stuff for me to be going through. There are times when I speculate I might should reconsider my direction with this very simple means of communicating with others about Meniere's Disease, and decided a couple of years ago that I would open up my Path to include who I am, where I am, where I've been, seen, and I share something as helpful of I can with love. I simply wish to share what is going on with my family and friends and what this disease and pain has done to me. And them. In some 'Groups', I have read too many were uncomfortable. There seems to be a society where there is a tense contest to see who can up one on another with a quickness. Let me share this real quickly. Seen. I am not in some silly ass contest to see who has a worst case scenario illness or case of Meniere's, or any of the other invisible disease, all are welcomed to my Post's and ALL are welcomed to this silly little blog called, Meniere's Disease, Mario's Path. There's no judges here and I sure enough do not wish to be judged, or made fun of, or any of that, that happens and is real. For shits sake, really, and there's so many Folks out here who pray for their worse case scenario. I can't understand this and that's not okay in my heart and Spirits. No, not okay, because, my brothers and sisters, I have seen what that worst case scenario looks like! I know how it affects the family to the core of Kinship. Please you all, take it all the contests with you. I don't require any more negativity on or near my Path, things have seemed to calm and settle a moment over this past week of much sleep. Kind One's, I am afraid I am just about threw with combating this damned Meniere's Disease and it's symptoms and the damned pains that have come from the Meniere's and Neurology.
NOTE: People are not just up and given the diagnosis "Meniere's Disease". As uncommon as it is, there seems to be a whole bunch of folks out there kicking it up about having "Meniere's Disease". Them and their text book talk about what Meniere's Disease is, very from the text, of a text book or and hit Meniere's Disease on Google and I promise that you'll come up with a whole heaping helping of bits and pieces about this invisible, life altering disease. One such disease without a cure, and a disease, my Kin Folk, that is determined and diagnosed scientifically addressed.
I am threw with ALL of this sickness. I am finished with being sick and seemingly unheard of. My body is in a dreadful damned state of pain every day of my life. Now, more than ever, a pain that lives with me twenty four hours a day. I don't understand why it is that I AM being kept from treatments, NOW, that could help this fellow Human out immediately?! Why must I wait for such a long period of time? I am confused in some societal ways and the negative thoughts that come from these observations and perpetuation. I, my Family and dearest of friends, simply wish to get all better. Please. By the way, there's really huge parts of my mind and heart where much debating take place, considering, over and over, just what it is I will be doing over the course of the next several weeks. The calendar of appointments weeks out are approaching a necessary hold on future appointments. My Mind is just as important in my Better Health, Mind and Body, that I figure this is but the tip of the ice berg for me. Or the top of it, which ever you would like to call this period approaching, some huge medicinal changes. These that I prepare to ram me full on, joining in with all of the illnesses that accompany me.
What am I to do or say anymore my friends? There's nothing for me to do but move along and keep this journey productive and encouraging as possible for me. There will be no more negative vibrations going on in my treatments anymore. They simply, fuck the process up, and no, I just don't want to deal with much more of those in my medical treatments. We as a Team will continue to work as fast and at a full speed ahead for my Team and I. And look, for me the fighting against the sleep and slumber hasn't been worth a damn lately because the sleep continues. I sleep as a way of life right now and I even have a diagnosis for it too, it's called Hyper-Somnia.
Kindred, all of you who are wishing to connect with some one who has Meniere's Disease, I welcome you. I have loved so many of my Guests and Readers. I reckon many are a look and see, but that's cool too. I simply wish to be out here. Out here and along with other of my life's Odds and Ends. I have been working with all of my doctors and my specialist for several years. Yes, I have my own ideas of what is going on within my foggy state of being, this desire to tip tap key-by-key to keep n touch with my dear ones.
This sleep and deep has had me by my Afro, has always been more of a Meniere's thing. It is a post attack or consequence or symptom, which ever you would like to call it, but yes, Meniere's attacks go hand and hand with me and my life.
Life.
I love to live!
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Super Shero's! Sam? Sam! Nick! Botswana! Let's Work It!
Sam. Don't be alarmed, I just wanted to stop by to say hello. Hear you say, hello dad. By the way, I miss you, you know, daughter? I love you baby, and I wish you didn't live so far away. Pooh! Chill, chill, all is fine and well here. Nikki, just eager and with great anticipation from waiting for you to receive this package from home. Gurrrl! The waiting is driving me insane for you my dear! I am so sure you will grade most gifts as super, maybe, clutter might could be but they'll make sense in the long run. You know Pooh? Like that Tampa refrigerator magnet for your refrigerator. LOL! Botswana, isn't it mad how our baby's are almost our age! This is to the so many memory's of the miles and miles you marched over the years while at that High school in South Tampa. Right. In this fifteen pound box you are going to have a blast! Oh Nikki! Just you wait and see! There are little surprises that are going to have you saying, "wow!", no doubt. There are surprises to eat! Spanish Rice! Spices from the Everglades of our Home State, Florida. Them new sweet treats like them New Butter Finger Cups! There is American Coffee and Cuban Coffee, too. There's a top secret, awesome surprise that might make you scream when you read the French printed on it, and realize it is a gift direct from England to you from your fabulous T.V. series "Dr. Who"! Can you believe this shit? Hey! Don't stress. Your Paw, is going to be okay. Nikki, do not relegate too many to the clutter pile. Please? Okay? Okay. If you look with your heart, you'll see that there are items for the wall behind where you sit at your computer. Damn it! That Pirate Magnet though! I think it is because we all believe in pirates here in town and what better way than to celebrate with magnets for the ice box! Kikki, so that you remember your Town of Tampa, Baby. Go Rays! There might even be two or three tokens from your childhood, somewhere in those fifteen pounds of treats and things that Daddy's hold on to for their Baby's. Nikki Pooh, I miss you so much! Yes! I said it too! But, oh, my dearest Honorable Daughter Number One. I don't know yet how a father expresses to his daughter what it feels like when a piece of the Daddy heart is cut and removed. When One's daughter is so far away and very far away. I keep in touch with God and The Great Spirit, and the Saints. You Women!
Hey, hey, hey, we are really doing this! A friend of mine and I are planning on having a lunch some time soon. We're pretty danged cool buds in life and on a social page. She-Who-Is-Like-We and I will soon be breaking bread. I am thinking about locale, and the budget. What an opportunity for me to be with and connect with a real Face Book friend. There are mutual friends between us and it's so crazy just how many friends there is. So yes, I know some Folks from my life who know my dear new friend. LOL! Me, oh my, oh my, oh my. I hope to meet another person with Meniere's Disease. I will meet her quite soon because I want to shoo off and away this dust,
My lodge is here in the North West corner of Hillsborugh County. Sitting on the North end of a cul-de-sac on .48 acre, with the crib occupying a chunk of it, a bit, but still have many good Mother Earth space for parks and enjoyment. Visual pleasure. If God approves such.
My bride and her stresses are to have releases that are at once cleansing and all together disengaging, enriching upon time to breathe. And recharge the positive energy within. I enjoy listening to silence with my Botswana. The music and talk of my Bird cousins are beautiful and fun to listen to as Mom raises hell with the Old man for forgetting some seed from the Bird Feed Store over at Mario and Botswana's store. I trust her and know that her hands are very capable. I have recently informed her that she is the one I want to get old with. She is my dear sweet Brenda. My gorgeous and so beautiful bride, I cried bride. Who was also the same beautiful, blue eyed blond that stole my heart from right in front of my eyes. I take the blame. I was completely helpless. I love her with my life's very passion, and have more enthusiasm knowing what true love is. Enthusiasm is to be alive. My Dear Sweet One, my sweet, sweet Girl Friend. A very true very best right good friend, I love you.
Anticipation to live. An enthusiasm to excel. Seen.
Hey, hey, hey, we are really doing this! A friend of mine and I are planning on having a lunch some time soon. We're pretty danged cool buds in life and on a social page. She-Who-Is-Like-We and I will soon be breaking bread. I am thinking about locale, and the budget. What an opportunity for me to be with and connect with a real Face Book friend. There are mutual friends between us and it's so crazy just how many friends there is. So yes, I know some Folks from my life who know my dear new friend. LOL! Me, oh my, oh my, oh my. I hope to meet another person with Meniere's Disease. I will meet her quite soon because I want to shoo off and away this dust,
My lodge is here in the North West corner of Hillsborugh County. Sitting on the North end of a cul-de-sac on .48 acre, with the crib occupying a chunk of it, a bit, but still have many good Mother Earth space for parks and enjoyment. Visual pleasure. If God approves such.
My bride and her stresses are to have releases that are at once cleansing and all together disengaging, enriching upon time to breathe. And recharge the positive energy within. I enjoy listening to silence with my Botswana. The music and talk of my Bird cousins are beautiful and fun to listen to as Mom raises hell with the Old man for forgetting some seed from the Bird Feed Store over at Mario and Botswana's store. I trust her and know that her hands are very capable. I have recently informed her that she is the one I want to get old with. She is my dear sweet Brenda. My gorgeous and so beautiful bride, I cried bride. Who was also the same beautiful, blue eyed blond that stole my heart from right in front of my eyes. I take the blame. I was completely helpless. I love her with my life's very passion, and have more enthusiasm knowing what true love is. Enthusiasm is to be alive. My Dear Sweet One, my sweet, sweet Girl Friend. A very true very best right good friend, I love you.
Anticipation to live. An enthusiasm to excel. Seen.
No, I'm Not The Guinea Pig
Hello,
I've been thinking lately that post procedures, after surgery, and such, I could really wish and hope for a nice trip out of here, my medical exile. Out of town to feel, breath and sense the energy of others in other community's, villages or a town. I just really require a medically necessary holidays for this patient. Somewhere - West, anywhere, North East, while remaining here in my South Eastern some place please. Any place other than these offices, clinic's, and hospitals I visit on a fairly busy basis, if it is not one establishment, another after another. There have times when I have had to schedule three appointments in on week. Back-to-Back-to-Back, and that is grueling Sisters. Yes, I am a frequent flyer patient on our awesome special Buses and Vans for disabled Folks, and due to my health reasons and issues, I have been afforded the opportunity to take the Small Blue Buses here in town, and this mode of transportation is an awesome mode of transport.
In my heart it seems as such so much has changed. Yet really, not so much has changed from my life at all. Then flip-it to the B-Side, and there isn't shit changed! Huh? Yes, I'll always have Meniere's Disease and the brief case full symptoms and shit that belongs to Meniere's. I'll forever carry this pail over flowing with a liters illnesses, diseases, and the what-not. So yes, it is time I take a closer look and will be taking more care of myself, where is it that we are going as a team and then follow each and every doctor as the doctor leads me. Sadly, there will always be the odd folk in the medical health care business playing their games and I have not too long ago have learned and decided to over look these folks and their poor attitudes. There attitudes are not mine and I am not going to let them be one's who play with my emotions, as this shit just happens to have happened on too many multi levels of my life. I mean wait, I have been sick so long that my mind is getting sick and tired of being sick and in pain. What the hell?
I am one who has always fought and fought freaking hard to keep from becoming a statistic on any body's Top Ten. No. Yes. I mean to say that I am not comfortable wearing these shoes and don't know if I'll ever be able to be okay like this. Live like this. Be like that? Am I here already?
Come on, Ma'am, I see myself in the mirror and I see the change in my physical appearance. How I have changed in features over this past five or six years, I take a step back to see my droopy left eye, this one that went gimp when I did back after the period of many necessary cuts and snips. This is the one left eye that goes gimpy closed from time to time, my skeleton knows and understands what had happened, and I understand this, but you see, I have one doctor in this hand who says this is this, and then on the very other hand I have one other doctor who says that it is that, from the other clinic. So, I try my damned best to keep calm and move along. My Doctors are my Leader's, they lead and I follow. I do feel I am all shook up, hell yeah, I am. I am a grown ass fellow, and feel like a child being led by the hand to go see doctor! Oh! I'm such a fine and sweet, grand boy! Oh sure, all of this is based on a true story, you know? So I say, well you then my friends, and members of my Better Health Team, say a little prayer for me.
My Friends, all of this preparation's, talk and plans have all made me provide too much space in here to ruminate on the potential that I am being prepared for some sort of laboratory examination. As if I am permitting and letting us play guinea pig on me is an honor, but Lord Please, let some body hear my words when I speak and share about me shaking while entering deep stages of sleep. As in, for the preparation for sleep and then I have the twitches that bring me back from wherever I went to while in the beginning stages of meditations. Sometimes twitched in such an utter surprise that it is startling to me. Yeah, another something and another oddity that can scare the paleness from this mixed blood's skin and face. BOOM! Instant pale! Similar, yes to the instant Meniere's attack! Out of No Where!
I have to go lay down. Yes, I'll fight sleep, just sweating like badly out of the clear. Same ole shit.
I've been thinking lately that post procedures, after surgery, and such, I could really wish and hope for a nice trip out of here, my medical exile. Out of town to feel, breath and sense the energy of others in other community's, villages or a town. I just really require a medically necessary holidays for this patient. Somewhere - West, anywhere, North East, while remaining here in my South Eastern some place please. Any place other than these offices, clinic's, and hospitals I visit on a fairly busy basis, if it is not one establishment, another after another. There have times when I have had to schedule three appointments in on week. Back-to-Back-to-Back, and that is grueling Sisters. Yes, I am a frequent flyer patient on our awesome special Buses and Vans for disabled Folks, and due to my health reasons and issues, I have been afforded the opportunity to take the Small Blue Buses here in town, and this mode of transportation is an awesome mode of transport.
In my heart it seems as such so much has changed. Yet really, not so much has changed from my life at all. Then flip-it to the B-Side, and there isn't shit changed! Huh? Yes, I'll always have Meniere's Disease and the brief case full symptoms and shit that belongs to Meniere's. I'll forever carry this pail over flowing with a liters illnesses, diseases, and the what-not. So yes, it is time I take a closer look and will be taking more care of myself, where is it that we are going as a team and then follow each and every doctor as the doctor leads me. Sadly, there will always be the odd folk in the medical health care business playing their games and I have not too long ago have learned and decided to over look these folks and their poor attitudes. There attitudes are not mine and I am not going to let them be one's who play with my emotions, as this shit just happens to have happened on too many multi levels of my life. I mean wait, I have been sick so long that my mind is getting sick and tired of being sick and in pain. What the hell?
I am one who has always fought and fought freaking hard to keep from becoming a statistic on any body's Top Ten. No. Yes. I mean to say that I am not comfortable wearing these shoes and don't know if I'll ever be able to be okay like this. Live like this. Be like that? Am I here already?
Come on, Ma'am, I see myself in the mirror and I see the change in my physical appearance. How I have changed in features over this past five or six years, I take a step back to see my droopy left eye, this one that went gimp when I did back after the period of many necessary cuts and snips. This is the one left eye that goes gimpy closed from time to time, my skeleton knows and understands what had happened, and I understand this, but you see, I have one doctor in this hand who says this is this, and then on the very other hand I have one other doctor who says that it is that, from the other clinic. So, I try my damned best to keep calm and move along. My Doctors are my Leader's, they lead and I follow. I do feel I am all shook up, hell yeah, I am. I am a grown ass fellow, and feel like a child being led by the hand to go see doctor! Oh! I'm such a fine and sweet, grand boy! Oh sure, all of this is based on a true story, you know? So I say, well you then my friends, and members of my Better Health Team, say a little prayer for me.
My Friends, all of this preparation's, talk and plans have all made me provide too much space in here to ruminate on the potential that I am being prepared for some sort of laboratory examination. As if I am permitting and letting us play guinea pig on me is an honor, but Lord Please, let some body hear my words when I speak and share about me shaking while entering deep stages of sleep. As in, for the preparation for sleep and then I have the twitches that bring me back from wherever I went to while in the beginning stages of meditations. Sometimes twitched in such an utter surprise that it is startling to me. Yeah, another something and another oddity that can scare the paleness from this mixed blood's skin and face. BOOM! Instant pale! Similar, yes to the instant Meniere's attack! Out of No Where!
I have to go lay down. Yes, I'll fight sleep, just sweating like badly out of the clear. Same ole shit.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
A Yearning To Connect, Meniere's Disease And Pain
Hello, and Greetings To All,
I have finally gotten to the point where I feel a yearning to reconnect with my Kindred Ones and Kin Folk here. It isn't that I have not wanted to send out a communique, it's that I have slept for roughly sixty hours in the past four and a half days. A possible record for me but I did not keep any minute detail of these past four days or so. I know very well I was able to have a visit with my daughter, a very dear friend and her son stopped by the lodge for a visit. I'm afraid there was a connection missed on that one, as Mama Dee never did have that talk with me, sure this is a topic of interest and is something that will be high importance on my follow up list.
There comes a point when and where I simply must get myself up from where I am in my skull. You know, the stuff, my innards, and all of the matter that is my brain. Sometimes there is so too much of a self critical that self critique. My God, I have been like this all of my life and even still have not figured out a way to bust threw these damned solid walls that separate me from my 'out there in life'. I know damned well that this is not the end of my life, and for this I am most thankful. the same thankfulness that I have in the very core of me that await this extraordinary surgical procedure at Moffitt come a quick five weeks or so. I am preparing self in mind and body and am very well aware of the legendary care I receive at Moffitt Cancer Center. I spoke with a young lady today, she was "She Who Speaks With Spring In Her Voice", and she is the person who is preparing my 'to-do-list' for the night prior to surgery. My labs will be done this weekend and the X-Rays sometime this week.
It is a jolly good damned thing that I have therapy next week. I can feel a pulling around within my skull, like a tug-of-war going on between both halves and chambers are going at it. These PAIN are getting to the point of often times complete unbearable mind bending pain. There is not a description I could borrow to these tear wrenching unnecessary pain! I have not enjoyed the spin-the-bottle with me as the bottle and which ever doctor I land on, passes me on to yet another doctor. I am in PAIN! I take the three medicines required, one for pain and two for anti muscle spasms. I am not in the position to cry too much more because I can surely see myself dieing from lack of breath. As if suffocating on my own breath, it is not life altering enough as it is, and shit, what horror to know what this feels like. So, damn it, I want the surgery to get here. Yes, please, just somebody help me with these pains stemming from neurological injury, or the neurological pains from my neck, cervical spine, my shoulders, sockets too, and my back all the way down to the lower back. I need help real soon. That or I think I'll end up in hospital for something else, and I am not inclined to share any of that at this time. For shits sake, I'm beat and I am exhausted.
The crossing of Meniere's Disease symptoms have made for a very difficult four point however many days I have slept/lived! The nausea has been so powerful that I have had active vomit with high nausea. I am sweating in a naturally cool house and have the sensations of having been stomped from skull to my toe knuckles. My entire pain suffers me, my dearest Kindred, all I am to do is keep living. I have a life to live and oh boy, there are such awesome things happening on this Family's parts and pieces. I am feeling and seeing change, the beginnings of forgiveness, love, natural reunions, and more love from so many I consider dearest of friends.
The dizziness as always, plays a roll in my day to day. I have not fallen in over a week but there have been much head bashing and wall walking as my balance is off today. Over the past few days, the natural compass was spinning like some silly late night T.V. show. No, the nausea does not occur because of dizziness or switched around it's the same sensations. Same Old Shit.
My Left Deaf Ear has been listening to a steady lower toned beep that is steady and repetitive - though slowly, which is sometimes more miserable than a quicker paced beeping. The calls of submarines navigating about in the vast oceans of my skull is intermittent with the beeps and those damned sonar ping's. I listen to the voices in the next room though no one's home but me, this type of Meniere's rubbish as gotten so bad that I am beginning to fear the night. And I love the night. My Right Good-Bad-Ear is listening to a constant tip-tapping of a type writer - a well experienced typist too. I share with you know my friends, that there are many times that I wish for quiet. Just some quiet please. My right ear has had some massive plops and pops over the past several weeks. Sometimes plopping so loud that it still scares the poop out of me. I mean, it is literally like a loud clap of the hand, and yes it startles, often times gives me a jolt.
I am through. I've said enough and I must get up for a few steps. I wish all peace and love.
I have finally gotten to the point where I feel a yearning to reconnect with my Kindred Ones and Kin Folk here. It isn't that I have not wanted to send out a communique, it's that I have slept for roughly sixty hours in the past four and a half days. A possible record for me but I did not keep any minute detail of these past four days or so. I know very well I was able to have a visit with my daughter, a very dear friend and her son stopped by the lodge for a visit. I'm afraid there was a connection missed on that one, as Mama Dee never did have that talk with me, sure this is a topic of interest and is something that will be high importance on my follow up list.
There comes a point when and where I simply must get myself up from where I am in my skull. You know, the stuff, my innards, and all of the matter that is my brain. Sometimes there is so too much of a self critical that self critique. My God, I have been like this all of my life and even still have not figured out a way to bust threw these damned solid walls that separate me from my 'out there in life'. I know damned well that this is not the end of my life, and for this I am most thankful. the same thankfulness that I have in the very core of me that await this extraordinary surgical procedure at Moffitt come a quick five weeks or so. I am preparing self in mind and body and am very well aware of the legendary care I receive at Moffitt Cancer Center. I spoke with a young lady today, she was "She Who Speaks With Spring In Her Voice", and she is the person who is preparing my 'to-do-list' for the night prior to surgery. My labs will be done this weekend and the X-Rays sometime this week.
It is a jolly good damned thing that I have therapy next week. I can feel a pulling around within my skull, like a tug-of-war going on between both halves and chambers are going at it. These PAIN are getting to the point of often times complete unbearable mind bending pain. There is not a description I could borrow to these tear wrenching unnecessary pain! I have not enjoyed the spin-the-bottle with me as the bottle and which ever doctor I land on, passes me on to yet another doctor. I am in PAIN! I take the three medicines required, one for pain and two for anti muscle spasms. I am not in the position to cry too much more because I can surely see myself dieing from lack of breath. As if suffocating on my own breath, it is not life altering enough as it is, and shit, what horror to know what this feels like. So, damn it, I want the surgery to get here. Yes, please, just somebody help me with these pains stemming from neurological injury, or the neurological pains from my neck, cervical spine, my shoulders, sockets too, and my back all the way down to the lower back. I need help real soon. That or I think I'll end up in hospital for something else, and I am not inclined to share any of that at this time. For shits sake, I'm beat and I am exhausted.
The crossing of Meniere's Disease symptoms have made for a very difficult four point however many days I have slept/lived! The nausea has been so powerful that I have had active vomit with high nausea. I am sweating in a naturally cool house and have the sensations of having been stomped from skull to my toe knuckles. My entire pain suffers me, my dearest Kindred, all I am to do is keep living. I have a life to live and oh boy, there are such awesome things happening on this Family's parts and pieces. I am feeling and seeing change, the beginnings of forgiveness, love, natural reunions, and more love from so many I consider dearest of friends.
The dizziness as always, plays a roll in my day to day. I have not fallen in over a week but there have been much head bashing and wall walking as my balance is off today. Over the past few days, the natural compass was spinning like some silly late night T.V. show. No, the nausea does not occur because of dizziness or switched around it's the same sensations. Same Old Shit.
My Left Deaf Ear has been listening to a steady lower toned beep that is steady and repetitive - though slowly, which is sometimes more miserable than a quicker paced beeping. The calls of submarines navigating about in the vast oceans of my skull is intermittent with the beeps and those damned sonar ping's. I listen to the voices in the next room though no one's home but me, this type of Meniere's rubbish as gotten so bad that I am beginning to fear the night. And I love the night. My Right Good-Bad-Ear is listening to a constant tip-tapping of a type writer - a well experienced typist too. I share with you know my friends, that there are many times that I wish for quiet. Just some quiet please. My right ear has had some massive plops and pops over the past several weeks. Sometimes plopping so loud that it still scares the poop out of me. I mean, it is literally like a loud clap of the hand, and yes it startles, often times gives me a jolt.
I am through. I've said enough and I must get up for a few steps. I wish all peace and love.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Brochitis And Asthma, Diagnosed Today, 13 March 2014
Relations,
I have had to introduce a new team to our all ready hectic pace with my doctors presently working with me to help me find what would be a better and healthier state of life for some one my age. I am feeling alienated from my own society, my culture, my Kin Folk, and so many others. There is something happening from within and I look forward to networking and finding classes for ASL. As far as my health, which is my number one priority in life, my three major and crucial health areas have been Meniere's, Neurological issues, neurological pain, and on and on. At Age 54. Such BS. Focus has been to focus on one at a time when it comes to the neurology, I really mean I wish for some sort of control of my neurological functions. Or as in to be functional as possible. and pain free as possible. Secondly, I am placing energy and consideration on what it could be like someday. I pray. I seek to find a or 'the' formula that will provide me the opportunity to be functional in my community and society. I am aware and know of two communities who miss my loud, sometimes angry, sometimes Joyful voice very much. I miss my Voice. Oh, please you all! I'm here, just sick and run down - beat up a bit, but I'm holding on Joey! This medical group and it's specialty's are pulmonary and sleep. We as patient/doctors have had association since 1990. Doctor and his colleges here have saved my life. I know this and I know in my Spirit's that my respiratory functions have been truly labored lately. My gut was telling me there was little time to play with so I included my good right and dear doctor. The treatment of my Asthma has always been included in my treatment plans, but I think, I had my lungs almost posted as ancillary departments of my body. Well, with that type of 'self-triage', I just about got my large frame resting up in a small ass hospital bed. No thank you please. You know? This is something by the pure force of the disease over my lungs and breathing, that I simply have no alternative but to include in treatment plan presently. Not breathing brings about dreadful particular health issues. I was welcomed back with open arms and there was a true happiness in the air, Over the years, a deep trust that was established years ago, has become family. I welcome my Pulmonary-Critical Care Doctor, Dr. Lung Love, back into my Life, My Path and My Circles. We watched one and another grow year by year, and watched as our children went through school, on to university's and now practicing whatever it is that they decided to do as a career. I love them. Well, my Right Good Doctor Lung Love, has placed me back on the inhaled steroid created and manufactured for Bronchial Asthma and a "Z" Pack. Oh, and please, do realize that I observe more chemicals added to my daily medicinal regimen. I am in the position to ingest medicine. What else can I do? I am expected to have laboratory's and Chest X-Ray's completed prior to our visit in one month time. Then, come those four Weeks, or there around and on that day I will participate in a nice damned breathing test. Marcello, I my dear nephew, please remind me to remind you to remind me to go to the labs for my Primary Internist, down in Whitesville, Florida. Please? At this moment, there's so too damned much going on - too many tests - to many procedures - too many nurses - too many needles - too many Chiefs and I am a Nation Of One. Please, My People's. I am silently screaming for emotional relief. I am as a dog on a leash - 'go here, come here, go there'. Please. I have sensed the relief within hands reach lately but, only from a distance. I will not, nor will I be satisfied until I see what are bits of lungs and mystery pieces from my innards and undercarriage.
Hot Pants ...
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
The Voices Come Back. My Ear And Facial Spasms And Pains Return
Kind One's,
I began this communique last evening and was psychically unable to complete it. It was one of those disgusting, most dreadful, nauseating places to be, when Life like that happens to us.
Yes, it just happens with me, on and on with these damned diseases and dreadful pains through-out my back and ribs and shoulders - then, out of no where I was vomiting harshly. Violently and with projection! I don't remember what happened, not the time or what it was that brought on such a sudden, surprising, state attack of being when engulfed by some sort of strange spinning sensation! A tornado. I was a fucking 'Human Top', and I am still dealing with post attack symptoms of whatever sort of attack that took place here and I am pleased to report I have been able to beat the sleep today, I am committed to taking my medicine on time and have taken my medicines as ordered. So yes, I am a bit put off by this sudden, disgusting drama, perpetrated by a damned disease I still don't know shit about! For now, I'll say it is all a mystery. It could have been a Meniere's attack, I don't know, one of those sneak attacks, like an Air Strike, to invade, then move along. Yes, my guests, there is that damned disease called Meniere's again. The same Meniere's that has me by the throat and bits of my undercarriage. It knows that I live here, so it lives here with me, my wife and our hounds. I know this, it's just that this is a disease that has created so many issues of health and odd side affects. Then there are those that stir my emotional state of mind, my emotional mood. There are symptoms and scenario's of what is happening in my life and health now. My health, that are an absolute of every day in my Life. Illnesses and being sick of illnesses are beginning to sink in hard and heavy.
Problems with my cervical spine and several Neurological issues are being addressed with a procedure at Moffitt Cancer Center. There is the very one, the true, Thoracic 1, and my lower lumbar spine are definite issues that will also be dealt with by procedure and surgery as too, but I can't see or be expected to be thrown threw hoops or surgical marathons. My professor and doctors have begun by starting from the top of my frame, to the very lower parts and innards of my back.
Oh yeah, this very back that has been there for me and has carried me through many fantastic years of good living and such great working opportunities with my occupations. Those sweet fun times of playing sports when I was not too much younger. Living the life.! I enjoyed the soft ball field, baseball games, flag foot ball and other fun things to do before Meniere's threw my life through changes I would have never imagines. For shits sake. I see it now, I believe there's a direct message from the Great One. Oh, how I say Thank You, My Good Great God, Thank You!
All of what is going on Neurologically, has been on a per step basis, plus Botox procedure every three months. My Professor, She-With-Many-Names, has led the way with several different options and continues to work with me on finding the just right one thing. I feel her enthusiasm.. Her passion with every breath she takes. Going on with her job, me, and going on to report, as far what she has seen and worked on, this case has been classified as "one of the worst cases she has seen", while speaking with a visiting physician, who was there to observe the procedure of BOTOX Injections. A fine good fellow physician, who is introducing the procedure at his practice. Bless my professionals, my doctors and surgeons, my professor and nurses. They are all Teachers teaching teacher's. This is a blessing to me. I believe so.
Note: From this point on, is from last night. 10 March 2014.
Relations,
Hello. I have just had to retreat from a full frontal attack on of all nights!? Focus, Sir. I've had some days over the past week that presented new and grueling challenges. One being this present five day run with a case of liquid bowel movements. Yes Ma'am, just the way it sounds. A foul case of liquid bowel movements. So I drink coconut water. Drinking plenty water and pineapple juice, cranberry juice and plenty of filtered water chilled from the ice box to cleanse my toxic and bitter system being attacked by something. I am ignorant of what a doctor would say, but I knew I was dealing with what sounded and felt like a stomach virus or minor infection/bug of a sort. There's so many sick folks out there America. And I happen to frequent these establishments that would have peoples with germs and what not. When my body speaks to me, I've learned to listen. That may have taken a bit over half of a century - but I know now. I can proclaim this! Yes, now then, back to that Thursday evening last week, I was experiencing a quake called Meniere's! Times I had to contend with episodes of active and sudden bouts of liquid bowel movements. Oh. No, it's not too funny. Having to monitor every cough, every sneeze, and heavens forbid needing to pass some toxic roaming gases from within these 25.5 miles of intestines, stomach, tubeage, accessories and what not. Oh please. Please, let me vent even if but for one brief moment because, I have been so sick that I have had horrific spams in my back. Horrible nines and tens, thrice times I was prepared to go to the emergency department. Both for this torturous pain that alters my life before my eyes. My hearing and worsening eye sight join in for some stupid ass games.
Voices have become active. More active I could say too. Sounds, distorted vision and visions. I hear them speak again with urgent verbiage and demanding requests and orders. I have slept, sheltering myself from these pains and the Meniere's that rock my world. The one deaf ear on my left side keeps picking up sounds of a satellite very clear and definitely very loud. Please, know these sounds have been unusually commanding these past few days. Frustratingly demanding and takes my breath as asthma and disease take my breathe away, and I know I have been sick for days. Well, for much longer than that even, but maybe you understand. Blame it on me being a Mixed Breed and Bloodiness. Quickly because I am becoming sicker with motion to and from screen. Noises of loud insects now combat the crickets and cicadas that live here inside my house by the tens of thousands. So loud it reminds me of the Everglades. Okay. I have had projectile vomit that injured my already hurting and very sore back.
I am going sick and have stomach acids in my mouth. I want to go lay down one minute.
It is now 0108. 12 March 2014. Life.
I began this communique last evening and was psychically unable to complete it. It was one of those disgusting, most dreadful, nauseating places to be, when Life like that happens to us.
Yes, it just happens with me, on and on with these damned diseases and dreadful pains through-out my back and ribs and shoulders - then, out of no where I was vomiting harshly. Violently and with projection! I don't remember what happened, not the time or what it was that brought on such a sudden, surprising, state attack of being when engulfed by some sort of strange spinning sensation! A tornado. I was a fucking 'Human Top', and I am still dealing with post attack symptoms of whatever sort of attack that took place here and I am pleased to report I have been able to beat the sleep today, I am committed to taking my medicine on time and have taken my medicines as ordered. So yes, I am a bit put off by this sudden, disgusting drama, perpetrated by a damned disease I still don't know shit about! For now, I'll say it is all a mystery. It could have been a Meniere's attack, I don't know, one of those sneak attacks, like an Air Strike, to invade, then move along. Yes, my guests, there is that damned disease called Meniere's again. The same Meniere's that has me by the throat and bits of my undercarriage. It knows that I live here, so it lives here with me, my wife and our hounds. I know this, it's just that this is a disease that has created so many issues of health and odd side affects. Then there are those that stir my emotional state of mind, my emotional mood. There are symptoms and scenario's of what is happening in my life and health now. My health, that are an absolute of every day in my Life. Illnesses and being sick of illnesses are beginning to sink in hard and heavy.
Problems with my cervical spine and several Neurological issues are being addressed with a procedure at Moffitt Cancer Center. There is the very one, the true, Thoracic 1, and my lower lumbar spine are definite issues that will also be dealt with by procedure and surgery as too, but I can't see or be expected to be thrown threw hoops or surgical marathons. My professor and doctors have begun by starting from the top of my frame, to the very lower parts and innards of my back.
Oh yeah, this very back that has been there for me and has carried me through many fantastic years of good living and such great working opportunities with my occupations. Those sweet fun times of playing sports when I was not too much younger. Living the life.! I enjoyed the soft ball field, baseball games, flag foot ball and other fun things to do before Meniere's threw my life through changes I would have never imagines. For shits sake. I see it now, I believe there's a direct message from the Great One. Oh, how I say Thank You, My Good Great God, Thank You!
All of what is going on Neurologically, has been on a per step basis, plus Botox procedure every three months. My Professor, She-With-Many-Names, has led the way with several different options and continues to work with me on finding the just right one thing. I feel her enthusiasm.. Her passion with every breath she takes. Going on with her job, me, and going on to report, as far what she has seen and worked on, this case has been classified as "one of the worst cases she has seen", while speaking with a visiting physician, who was there to observe the procedure of BOTOX Injections. A fine good fellow physician, who is introducing the procedure at his practice. Bless my professionals, my doctors and surgeons, my professor and nurses. They are all Teachers teaching teacher's. This is a blessing to me. I believe so.
Note: From this point on, is from last night. 10 March 2014.
Relations,
Hello. I have just had to retreat from a full frontal attack on of all nights!? Focus, Sir. I've had some days over the past week that presented new and grueling challenges. One being this present five day run with a case of liquid bowel movements. Yes Ma'am, just the way it sounds. A foul case of liquid bowel movements. So I drink coconut water. Drinking plenty water and pineapple juice, cranberry juice and plenty of filtered water chilled from the ice box to cleanse my toxic and bitter system being attacked by something. I am ignorant of what a doctor would say, but I knew I was dealing with what sounded and felt like a stomach virus or minor infection/bug of a sort. There's so many sick folks out there America. And I happen to frequent these establishments that would have peoples with germs and what not. When my body speaks to me, I've learned to listen. That may have taken a bit over half of a century - but I know now. I can proclaim this! Yes, now then, back to that Thursday evening last week, I was experiencing a quake called Meniere's! Times I had to contend with episodes of active and sudden bouts of liquid bowel movements. Oh. No, it's not too funny. Having to monitor every cough, every sneeze, and heavens forbid needing to pass some toxic roaming gases from within these 25.5 miles of intestines, stomach, tubeage, accessories and what not. Oh please. Please, let me vent even if but for one brief moment because, I have been so sick that I have had horrific spams in my back. Horrible nines and tens, thrice times I was prepared to go to the emergency department. Both for this torturous pain that alters my life before my eyes. My hearing and worsening eye sight join in for some stupid ass games.
Voices have become active. More active I could say too. Sounds, distorted vision and visions. I hear them speak again with urgent verbiage and demanding requests and orders. I have slept, sheltering myself from these pains and the Meniere's that rock my world. The one deaf ear on my left side keeps picking up sounds of a satellite very clear and definitely very loud. Please, know these sounds have been unusually commanding these past few days. Frustratingly demanding and takes my breath as asthma and disease take my breathe away, and I know I have been sick for days. Well, for much longer than that even, but maybe you understand. Blame it on me being a Mixed Breed and Bloodiness. Quickly because I am becoming sicker with motion to and from screen. Noises of loud insects now combat the crickets and cicadas that live here inside my house by the tens of thousands. So loud it reminds me of the Everglades. Okay. I have had projectile vomit that injured my already hurting and very sore back.
I am going sick and have stomach acids in my mouth. I want to go lay down one minute.
It is now 0108. 12 March 2014. Life.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Meniere's On Four March 2014
Relations,
Let me share where I am with Meniere's Disease this morning, please. I don't feel as frantic as I did yesterday, though I do get this way whenever the fog settles in and into every crevice of both brains. Sometimes I get so wound up I do not know what to do with myself or my environment. I question myself on every matter in my life and am unsure whether this is a result of the Meniere's Disease, these pains that I consider Meniere's related, it is the neurological pains created due to multiple surgery's. Could it be these pains are from my cervical spine that reaches down into my neck, then down and around my shoulders and arms, sometimes to my wrists. I also contemplate, could all of this pain be the neurological pains that are due to skeletal issues. At this instant, my lower back pain is very low, so I do disregard my thoracic and lower lumbar spine.
There is a good case of nausea going on this morning with what feels like a cap mid way through my throat. I have taken all of my morning medicine and have had a small break fast with my sweet bride before she headed off to work. There are some times when my babe will take whatever hours she can as often as she can, as long as they do not conflict with my physical care. I accept that if it were not for me being sick, my dear would put in even more hours. Bless her heart, I feel and see the stress in my beautiful blue eyes. Even though we have found alternative ways to bridge the cap between us and our financial matters, we are still dealing with the concept of what we are doing with our lives at this time. Both she and I have worked since we were children, our parents did the same and our own children learned early in life to gain employment while young. As far as I am concerned, I still feel ashamed and am embarrassed that I am unable to contribute more to my family, our home, and our financial status. For that matter when we both held down our power jobs, there was no stress, or the only stress I may remember is that I hadn't saved enough to put a beautiful piece of Mother Earth, on mountain side aside for Botswana and I, and our future generations. So close we were, so very close, and then I become disabled with Meniere's Disease and Asthma, Neurological issues after issue and I witnessed my body began to close in on me and now, my body form is no longer the one I used to know, nor capable of putting out the work force I had just a short few years ago when I was a Manager with Starbucks Coffee Company and I so very much loved what it was I was employed to do for my company and most importantly of all, was the hard work we put into ensuring legendary service and product for our Legendary Customers. I was so close, so close I could smell the beans roasting in Seattle.
Then, everything changed.
Today, I carry this dizziness that feels as if it is resting in the forehead of my skull as it is very located right here in the front of my skull. I realize now that I could have in fact benefited from BOTOX injections in this area when I had procedure on 20 Feb. 2014. What can I do? I will do the best I can and push ahead while waiting for first of all our first procedure at Moffitt Cancer Center and then, the next BOTOX procedure come May with Dr. She-With-Many-Names. It is a scatter brained fog, an intoxicating brain fog, that has me feeling like a nut. I am stuttering my words and sometimes forgetting what it was I was doing two hours ago. My vision is malfunctioning and even with glasses on I strain to read and have noticed that I squint my left eye orb almost closed. But, do not know why and this just happens to be the eye that does not cry like my other eye. I am aware it is best that I slow the processes of my life down a degree or few as I am placing my wagon before the mules.
I know, I know it is best I remain as safe and as very aware of my boundaries and environment for my own sake and safety. My balance and equilibrium as well, off center, and really, having said that I knew when I woke earlier this morning, that today is a day to be walked with purpose and intention. I really don't want to fall or risk falling. I am home alone and I am a bit scared. For two consecutive nights I have double bashed my head on the rest room door that is in our large bed room. Night before was one incident of a dribble against the door. Last night was a dribble twice of my head bouncing against this wooden door and my thick skull.
My heart feels aflutter this morning. If someone were to ask me right at this moment, what procedures are you having come 17 April or earlier, I could not answer. I know that I will be put to rest and then a doctor will begin to do whatever he must do. I've met him, so I know I can say he. Again, I trust a doctor with my life. Again, my doctors are my leaders, they lead and I follow. By the way, I will get the name of this first procedure to be conducted at Moffitt. For you and I.
I believe I can run, I believe I can touch the Sun. I want to run like Mr. Gump, and run. And run.
Let me share where I am with Meniere's Disease this morning, please. I don't feel as frantic as I did yesterday, though I do get this way whenever the fog settles in and into every crevice of both brains. Sometimes I get so wound up I do not know what to do with myself or my environment. I question myself on every matter in my life and am unsure whether this is a result of the Meniere's Disease, these pains that I consider Meniere's related, it is the neurological pains created due to multiple surgery's. Could it be these pains are from my cervical spine that reaches down into my neck, then down and around my shoulders and arms, sometimes to my wrists. I also contemplate, could all of this pain be the neurological pains that are due to skeletal issues. At this instant, my lower back pain is very low, so I do disregard my thoracic and lower lumbar spine.
There is a good case of nausea going on this morning with what feels like a cap mid way through my throat. I have taken all of my morning medicine and have had a small break fast with my sweet bride before she headed off to work. There are some times when my babe will take whatever hours she can as often as she can, as long as they do not conflict with my physical care. I accept that if it were not for me being sick, my dear would put in even more hours. Bless her heart, I feel and see the stress in my beautiful blue eyes. Even though we have found alternative ways to bridge the cap between us and our financial matters, we are still dealing with the concept of what we are doing with our lives at this time. Both she and I have worked since we were children, our parents did the same and our own children learned early in life to gain employment while young. As far as I am concerned, I still feel ashamed and am embarrassed that I am unable to contribute more to my family, our home, and our financial status. For that matter when we both held down our power jobs, there was no stress, or the only stress I may remember is that I hadn't saved enough to put a beautiful piece of Mother Earth, on mountain side aside for Botswana and I, and our future generations. So close we were, so very close, and then I become disabled with Meniere's Disease and Asthma, Neurological issues after issue and I witnessed my body began to close in on me and now, my body form is no longer the one I used to know, nor capable of putting out the work force I had just a short few years ago when I was a Manager with Starbucks Coffee Company and I so very much loved what it was I was employed to do for my company and most importantly of all, was the hard work we put into ensuring legendary service and product for our Legendary Customers. I was so close, so close I could smell the beans roasting in Seattle.
Then, everything changed.
Today, I carry this dizziness that feels as if it is resting in the forehead of my skull as it is very located right here in the front of my skull. I realize now that I could have in fact benefited from BOTOX injections in this area when I had procedure on 20 Feb. 2014. What can I do? I will do the best I can and push ahead while waiting for first of all our first procedure at Moffitt Cancer Center and then, the next BOTOX procedure come May with Dr. She-With-Many-Names. It is a scatter brained fog, an intoxicating brain fog, that has me feeling like a nut. I am stuttering my words and sometimes forgetting what it was I was doing two hours ago. My vision is malfunctioning and even with glasses on I strain to read and have noticed that I squint my left eye orb almost closed. But, do not know why and this just happens to be the eye that does not cry like my other eye. I am aware it is best that I slow the processes of my life down a degree or few as I am placing my wagon before the mules.
I know, I know it is best I remain as safe and as very aware of my boundaries and environment for my own sake and safety. My balance and equilibrium as well, off center, and really, having said that I knew when I woke earlier this morning, that today is a day to be walked with purpose and intention. I really don't want to fall or risk falling. I am home alone and I am a bit scared. For two consecutive nights I have double bashed my head on the rest room door that is in our large bed room. Night before was one incident of a dribble against the door. Last night was a dribble twice of my head bouncing against this wooden door and my thick skull.
My heart feels aflutter this morning. If someone were to ask me right at this moment, what procedures are you having come 17 April or earlier, I could not answer. I know that I will be put to rest and then a doctor will begin to do whatever he must do. I've met him, so I know I can say he. Again, I trust a doctor with my life. Again, my doctors are my leaders, they lead and I follow. By the way, I will get the name of this first procedure to be conducted at Moffitt. For you and I.
I believe I can run, I believe I can touch the Sun. I want to run like Mr. Gump, and run. And run.
Monday, March 3, 2014
Pain is a Disease. I Am In Pain. I Am Fully Insured. I'm In Pain.
Relations,
I share this with you and all who read these words. I am a Private Patient, I have two forms of insurance. I am not on Worker's Compensation nor am I suing any one or thing. I need help!
Pain is a disease. Pain is a disease. Pain is a disease. Pain is a disease. Pain is a disease. Pain.
Pain is the disease. Pain is the disease. Pain is the disease. Pain is the disease. Pain is the disease.
A human in pain is a person in pain. A person in pain is a human in pain. A Human in pain.
I am a simpleton in pain. I am a simpleton in pain. I am a simpleton in pain. I am in pain.
I am in pain. I am in pain. I am in pain. Can't You See? I am in pain. I am in pain. I am in pain.
So I cry and I cry and I cry and I cry myself to sleep. Or I cry and I cry and I cry myself awake.
I wonder, is this because I am not White? Do I have the wrong last name? Because I'm Mixed Breed.
These are my bones in damned pain, my neck, my scalp & skull and nerves & the what-not's.
From my neck up, the life altering pains affect facial, the area I can slide my finger tips into.
My shoulders and back, as in the shoulder blades and the sockets and I know what's flesh & bone.
The pain radiates and tortures me, and this pain has take joy from my life and this pain is me.
And I am the pain. And the pain is me. And I am the pain. And I am the pain. And I am.
I'm a human in pain. I'm a fellow Mother Earth Spirit in pain, I am a boy who wants his Mom.
God, what am I to do? God, what am I to do? Oh, My Dear God, what am I to do? My Dear God?
If I was Dr. John Johns, or Mr. Zach Johnston V, or Mr. Mayor, or Miss. Florida or Mr. Tampa. I know by experience that those are the Folks who get seen the quickest and are provided what ever the hell medication they ask for. No, and no please, don't even attempt to color up the poop. I have seen this with my own eyes and having had this very same thing happen to me. I am insured and very well insured at that. Let us do something now! To hell with the medicine! Oh My Lord?
If I was a dog, I would be receiving better treatment for this pain. I know this too, because I've seen it on the local and national news. The BBC and the PBS too. For Fucks Sake, my Team, all of you with Medical University education's know very damned well that PAIN CHANGES the EVERYTHING about a person or an animal. If not properly treated the Creature of God, will no doubt go mad.
Pain is a disease. Pain is a disease. Pain is a disease. Pain is a disease. Pain is a disease. Pain.
Pain is the disease. Pain is the disease. Pain is the disease. Pain is the disease. Pain is the disease.
Help me please. Help me please. I do not want to be mad. Help me please. Help me please.
Help me please?
I share this with you and all who read these words. I am a Private Patient, I have two forms of insurance. I am not on Worker's Compensation nor am I suing any one or thing. I need help!
Pain is a disease. Pain is a disease. Pain is a disease. Pain is a disease. Pain is a disease. Pain.
Pain is the disease. Pain is the disease. Pain is the disease. Pain is the disease. Pain is the disease.
A human in pain is a person in pain. A person in pain is a human in pain. A Human in pain.
I am a simpleton in pain. I am a simpleton in pain. I am a simpleton in pain. I am in pain.
I am in pain. I am in pain. I am in pain. Can't You See? I am in pain. I am in pain. I am in pain.
So I cry and I cry and I cry and I cry myself to sleep. Or I cry and I cry and I cry myself awake.
I wonder, is this because I am not White? Do I have the wrong last name? Because I'm Mixed Breed.
These are my bones in damned pain, my neck, my scalp & skull and nerves & the what-not's.
From my neck up, the life altering pains affect facial, the area I can slide my finger tips into.
My shoulders and back, as in the shoulder blades and the sockets and I know what's flesh & bone.
The pain radiates and tortures me, and this pain has take joy from my life and this pain is me.
And I am the pain. And the pain is me. And I am the pain. And I am the pain. And I am.
I'm a human in pain. I'm a fellow Mother Earth Spirit in pain, I am a boy who wants his Mom.
God, what am I to do? God, what am I to do? Oh, My Dear God, what am I to do? My Dear God?
If I was Dr. John Johns, or Mr. Zach Johnston V, or Mr. Mayor, or Miss. Florida or Mr. Tampa. I know by experience that those are the Folks who get seen the quickest and are provided what ever the hell medication they ask for. No, and no please, don't even attempt to color up the poop. I have seen this with my own eyes and having had this very same thing happen to me. I am insured and very well insured at that. Let us do something now! To hell with the medicine! Oh My Lord?
If I was a dog, I would be receiving better treatment for this pain. I know this too, because I've seen it on the local and national news. The BBC and the PBS too. For Fucks Sake, my Team, all of you with Medical University education's know very damned well that PAIN CHANGES the EVERYTHING about a person or an animal. If not properly treated the Creature of God, will no doubt go mad.
Pain is a disease. Pain is a disease. Pain is a disease. Pain is a disease. Pain is a disease. Pain.
Pain is the disease. Pain is the disease. Pain is the disease. Pain is the disease. Pain is the disease.
Help me please. Help me please. I do not want to be mad. Help me please. Help me please.
Help me please?
Doctors, Professors, Surgeons, HELP ME PLEASE!
Dear Doctors, Dear Professors, Dear Surgeons, My Therapist,
Doctors, the all of you know me, and know me well. One thing we all know a bit too well is that I am too young to feel this damned old. I mean really, to be this damned old. Every and each day of our week - with each and every day of life, I have no doubt that at least one of you are aware and know full well that your patient, me, I am living a hellish pain every damned day of my life! I am in pain every hour of every day of my life. Night, morning or day, there's no matter.
With every one of you, I have spoken about your medications and you have spoken with me about the odds and ends of any certain medication. I don't play with emotions and I do not wish that I be placed in such a horrible nightmare sort of life. I have stated several times that I dread medications! I am terrified of some procedures and some peoples in this field, but I have never randomly "upped and asked" for such and such! Never! It has always been you to write the damned prescription's! I do not write them! You all are the Boss, I simply follow. I have not asked for a differential in a certain prescription, until today. I am in such a God Awful pain, this same pain that has been here as days long pain. Come the morrow, I'll make yet another call simply to follow up on my refill prescription from, She-With-Many-Names, has had me on since day one. .
I called last week about renewing my perspiration of the medication ordered for me presently. We talked in clinic about adjusting one certain medicine last week, the change made today, is different than last weeks. As long as you are comfortable with the change in order I am happy. It was a change. The original purpose of my call from last week was simply to get a renewed script and share the goings on at Moffitt. I was unable to share that with you Doctor. I wanted to celebrate with you and wanted to discuss my gathering over at Moffitt. While there, I met with your referral. And here we have plans - no medicine as of this point. Doctor's, I AM IN PAIN!
Haven't I talked with most of you about this pain that I can feel this PAIN in my skeleton - my very bones, I share with you. My muscles in my scalp and face, the space between my flesh and skeleton. I have made a comment more than twice to Dr. He-Who-Touched-My-Brain, about the times I wish I knew of someone who could remove this pain from my body - with their hands and fingers! Reach up and in here and massage my face muscles. Every God damned muscle in my neck - that's MY entire CERVICAL spine and massage each and every vertebrate of my back. I am sorry I took so long to follow through Sir. I am sorry.
Alright. Yes, I've listened to you, Dr. He-Who-Touched-My-Brain, so I know from experience that I/we are at a 'Maximum Capacity, point with the medication. I understand this and wish to thank you whole hearted for the steroid injection smack dab into my right ear just a couple of weeks ago or so. You keep your words, but you also you also keep pushing, which keeps me pushing and pushing. Oh, my Dear Right Good Doctor, you knew long ago that there were problems in store for me.
Your referral to Dr. She-With-Many-Names, my Neurologist Professor and her staff has been an awesome move. She keeps her words. Doctor, her Fellows, Nurses and staff are an exceptional bunch and all told, their combined years equal staff an extraordinary medical experience. Dr. She, has been proactive and has requested medications for me that have been denied by the government or we had an old insurance company deny it. Unfortunately, we have reached a medicinal maximum capacity here too. Though Dr. She-With-Many-Names, keeping her word, continues to manipulate dosage and considers different routes for me to take. Trying and searching, there's simply nothing more she can do for me at this time. Dr. D., (I am sorry I took so long to follow through on that referral. Sir. I am sorry), but I am so aware that Doctor has plans.
My therapist has been here with me from way back when. He and I speak of the pains from my body and the pains in my spirit's. We speak of the Meniere's Disease, we speak of being Deaf on one side of my skull. Thank you Sir Dude, you have been one hell of an impression upon me. Thanks!
My Dearest Doctor's and your wonderful teams, my Dearest She-With-Many-Names and her staff and team that work like a team at the Daytona 500. To each and every doctor who has ever cut, snipped, sawed, or drilled my body, I say God Bless you and your hands and wisdom. I am humbled and am thankful but am intimidated too. To all of the wonderful Nurses working as Doctor's, thank you, to the fellows who are practicing while completing their education, and them least thanked, thanks to each and every nurse...
... with each word I just explained and shared I wish to say this to each and every team mate of my Better Health Care Team, I AM IN SUCH MISERABLE PAIN! I AM IN SUCH MISERABLE PAIN @ MULTIPLE PLACES - MULTIPLE TIMES A DAY AND NIGHT!
YOU ALL ARE MY DOCTORS! I AM SUFFERING! EVERY DAMNED DAY OF MY LIFE! I FEEL THINGS GETTING OUT OF HAND IN MY BODY AND SPIRIT"S! HOW CAN WE LET ANY HUMAN BE IN THIS MUCH PAIN AND NOT DO SOMETHING? EVERYDAY DOCTORS I NEED HELP! MY DEAR DOCTORS, I AM IN MISERABLE PAIN AT THIS VERY MOMENT!
Help me, please. Please, help me?
P.S. I trust you each and every one with my very life.
Doctors, the all of you know me, and know me well. One thing we all know a bit too well is that I am too young to feel this damned old. I mean really, to be this damned old. Every and each day of our week - with each and every day of life, I have no doubt that at least one of you are aware and know full well that your patient, me, I am living a hellish pain every damned day of my life! I am in pain every hour of every day of my life. Night, morning or day, there's no matter.
With every one of you, I have spoken about your medications and you have spoken with me about the odds and ends of any certain medication. I don't play with emotions and I do not wish that I be placed in such a horrible nightmare sort of life. I have stated several times that I dread medications! I am terrified of some procedures and some peoples in this field, but I have never randomly "upped and asked" for such and such! Never! It has always been you to write the damned prescription's! I do not write them! You all are the Boss, I simply follow. I have not asked for a differential in a certain prescription, until today. I am in such a God Awful pain, this same pain that has been here as days long pain. Come the morrow, I'll make yet another call simply to follow up on my refill prescription from, She-With-Many-Names, has had me on since day one. .
I called last week about renewing my perspiration of the medication ordered for me presently. We talked in clinic about adjusting one certain medicine last week, the change made today, is different than last weeks. As long as you are comfortable with the change in order I am happy. It was a change. The original purpose of my call from last week was simply to get a renewed script and share the goings on at Moffitt. I was unable to share that with you Doctor. I wanted to celebrate with you and wanted to discuss my gathering over at Moffitt. While there, I met with your referral. And here we have plans - no medicine as of this point. Doctor's, I AM IN PAIN!
Haven't I talked with most of you about this pain that I can feel this PAIN in my skeleton - my very bones, I share with you. My muscles in my scalp and face, the space between my flesh and skeleton. I have made a comment more than twice to Dr. He-Who-Touched-My-Brain, about the times I wish I knew of someone who could remove this pain from my body - with their hands and fingers! Reach up and in here and massage my face muscles. Every God damned muscle in my neck - that's MY entire CERVICAL spine and massage each and every vertebrate of my back. I am sorry I took so long to follow through Sir. I am sorry.
Alright. Yes, I've listened to you, Dr. He-Who-Touched-My-Brain, so I know from experience that I/we are at a 'Maximum Capacity, point with the medication. I understand this and wish to thank you whole hearted for the steroid injection smack dab into my right ear just a couple of weeks ago or so. You keep your words, but you also you also keep pushing, which keeps me pushing and pushing. Oh, my Dear Right Good Doctor, you knew long ago that there were problems in store for me.
Your referral to Dr. She-With-Many-Names, my Neurologist Professor and her staff has been an awesome move. She keeps her words. Doctor, her Fellows, Nurses and staff are an exceptional bunch and all told, their combined years equal staff an extraordinary medical experience. Dr. She, has been proactive and has requested medications for me that have been denied by the government or we had an old insurance company deny it. Unfortunately, we have reached a medicinal maximum capacity here too. Though Dr. She-With-Many-Names, keeping her word, continues to manipulate dosage and considers different routes for me to take. Trying and searching, there's simply nothing more she can do for me at this time. Dr. D., (I am sorry I took so long to follow through on that referral. Sir. I am sorry), but I am so aware that Doctor has plans.
My therapist has been here with me from way back when. He and I speak of the pains from my body and the pains in my spirit's. We speak of the Meniere's Disease, we speak of being Deaf on one side of my skull. Thank you Sir Dude, you have been one hell of an impression upon me. Thanks!
My Dearest Doctor's and your wonderful teams, my Dearest She-With-Many-Names and her staff and team that work like a team at the Daytona 500. To each and every doctor who has ever cut, snipped, sawed, or drilled my body, I say God Bless you and your hands and wisdom. I am humbled and am thankful but am intimidated too. To all of the wonderful Nurses working as Doctor's, thank you, to the fellows who are practicing while completing their education, and them least thanked, thanks to each and every nurse...
... with each word I just explained and shared I wish to say this to each and every team mate of my Better Health Care Team, I AM IN SUCH MISERABLE PAIN! I AM IN SUCH MISERABLE PAIN @ MULTIPLE PLACES - MULTIPLE TIMES A DAY AND NIGHT!
YOU ALL ARE MY DOCTORS! I AM SUFFERING! EVERY DAMNED DAY OF MY LIFE! I FEEL THINGS GETTING OUT OF HAND IN MY BODY AND SPIRIT"S! HOW CAN WE LET ANY HUMAN BE IN THIS MUCH PAIN AND NOT DO SOMETHING? EVERYDAY DOCTORS I NEED HELP! MY DEAR DOCTORS, I AM IN MISERABLE PAIN AT THIS VERY MOMENT!
Help me, please. Please, help me?
P.S. I trust you each and every one with my very life.
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