Greetings My Guests, 23 July 2014
There has been a massive catharsis over these past twenty four hours, much of which has been me staying awake rather than sleeping today. God knows I sure could have, and the very letting go of such negative force and energy in my life, has made me feel it easier to breath. Sadly, it has been absolutely necessary that I commence to increasing a steadfast boundary around me, and speaking of which, has actually become very therapeutic. What I share with you now, is conduct that blows my mind, and that it has been so easy for people and folks to manipulate me, and attempt to control. It doesn't matter who or why, I just do not ever have to say yes, if I don't want to. I've been a 'yes, sir', 'no sir', and on and on Man all my life. I permitted these events in my life to happen again and again because I did not say NO. I so very seldom, said no. I have learned this energy tends to effect me emotionally and really does causes my Spirit's to be interrupted. For me, this is rather like the expression, 'no means no', well, from now on, and this becomes more and more obvious to me is that I able in the position to make it so now. No more waiting, because I'm on my own out here when it comes to doing things in life and I have actually learned to enjoy this. I enjoy coordinating appointments and scheduling me and my Blue Buses that come pick me up for doctors appointments and bring me home. Except when my baby sister and I are able to get together on return trips home. I have had to learn to make myself clear on certain things and it saddens me to see how some folks respond to me being a bit more of an assertive Mario. For God's Sake, it's about time I asserted myself in life. Even more...
...I'm tired of taking bullshit. Not as a whole, and not everyone, but let us pray and say it is a simple bunch of kin folk that I had a beautiful life with. But then, I woke up I reckon and say lies. I tell you though, it was such a long time until I found my voice. I'm happy and oh sure, it's a matter-of-fact all right, finally. The one thing that really chaffs my ass is that when I do assert myself - it is me who am wrong or it is I with a problem. Flipping this over, is should I "not assert" myself I get reamed too. I've even had issues from complete strangers.
If and when this ever comes up with even any certain team member of my team, The Better Health, Mind, Body and Spirit Team, I assert myself clearly. For me, and my direction, America, it is, I simply can not do this anymore. I can't go on letting folks play games with me in search of Folks who want drama. I don't have time for that. This time for change has been off in the distance for so very long, yet I end up with short end of the talking stick time after time. For simply for speaking to loud or speaking to low, or because I'm not hearing. I am Deaf and Hard of Hearing. Is it alright for so many to think they have the right to speak to/with me any kind of way? No. Just, I say, not anymore. By the way, the time has also come about for me to become more aware of all other peoples drama. Time to do something about these 'yes sah' and 'no sah' and 'yes, ma'am, and etc. These occasions are going to have to be limited edition in the future. From this day forward, shits going to change.
I beg your pardon for my absence these past two weeks plus four days. The battles with Meniere's continue with a vengeance. I have had three vertigo attacks that came with the usual suspects. Though I did not throw up, nausea was high but non-productive. I have lost a good several pounds, mostly from a loss of appetite, but I can imagine it is all due to the crazy sweats that come with the dizziness and nausea with nothing but medicine to bring up. The sound symptoms of late have been a constant roar of an applauding audience, I mean a very loud roaring sound. Another sound has been the sounds of old fashion type writers speeding away, even here as I tip tap away at a pace of twenty four or so words a minute. I think it was twenty four, but anyways, other sounds that have had staying power has been the sound of an English Patrol Car headed off with all alarms blaring away, you know, the one that does not sound like the American sirens. Oh my God, for hours and hours at a time, and then one other has been a forest chock full of cicadas coming out by the tens and hundreds of thousands! Such a damned roar there are times I think I'm going mad. I have fallen twice and have bashed my face on the door jam going into my closet. Simply smashed my face onto the door jam in my house of eight years or so.
This peculiar twitch in my eyes continue and the vision in my left eye worsens, though it is on my right eye I have a cataract. What is a Dude to do? I pray. Note: I release this communique as is, dated 23 July when I wrote this. I am not going to read this or edit is. I'm setting these words free to be read by family, friends and my dearest guests.
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